Hi Everyone,

I have posted this once before, but the age range has been updated for this study! I'm a doctoral student in Clinical Psychology conducting a research study on the effects of growing up with a parent who struggled with substance use (alcohol or drugs). The study is completely anonymous and involves filling out an online survey.

We’re looking for young adults (18-30) who had or still have a parent or primary caregiver with a substance use problem during their childhood. The goal is to better understand how these experiences may affect things like responses to stressful or challenging life experiences, parent-child relationship quality, substance use, and overall mental health functioning in young adulthood. We also welcome participation from young adults who did not have this experience, as both groups are important to the study.

As a thank you for your time, participants will have the option to enter a raffle to win one of two $150 Visa gift cards after completing the survey. (Email for the raffle will be collected separately to keep responses anonymous).

Participation is voluntary and confidential. No identifying information will be linked to your responses, and the survey includes a list of mental health resources at the end if needed.

If you’re interested, you can take the survey here:
https://adelphiderner.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_73s1WeJNdeiwz42

Your experience matters. Thank you so much for considering it, and feel free to DM me with any questions!

I never danced growing up, and it does not come naturally to me at all. I used to joke that if I didn’t know what dancing was, it never would have even occurred to me.

However, I’ve been with my boyfriend for around 7 months now, and dancing is really important to him. I never minded going to clubs, because I was content to just move very minimally and hang out and drink. But my boyfriend is there to DANCE. He’s not amazing, but he doesn’t give a shit what people think, and it’s clear that he’s in his body and is having so much fun.

Seeing him have so much fun honestly makes me feel really, really insecure. I’m incredibly stiff and anxious, and it also makes me really sad that it’s so hard for me to let go and have fun. It’s gotten to the point where even imagining myself dancing has made me cry. Dancing is also a way that my boyfriend wants to connect with me, and it hurts for me to not be able to give him that.

All this to say, has anyone been in this situation and gotten over their fear? Or better yet, actually learned to enjoy dancing? I’d love to hear ideas.

Also, obligatory yes I’m in therapy and clearly have some anxiety/inhibitions.

i (24f) don’t know what’s wrong with me, but i cannot stop comparing myself other people. this is mostly in regards to the birth lottery, and the circumstances under which i grew up. for some context, my parents are currently going through their second divorce from each other, my dad is an alcoholic with anger issues and my mom is a narcissist, my mom basically raised us on her own because my dad was always traveling for work, and money has always been a source of stress and contempt for my family and for me. i can’t help but feel intense inferiority around a lot of different people, especially those i’ve through my bf (24m).

my bf and i have been together for over 4 years; we went to different colleges, but would drive ~2 hours on the weekends to see each other— i went to a huge public university and only went to public school growing up, whereas him and his twin (we’ll call him nick) went to a private all boys high school and attended the same small private PWI. when i would visit my bf’s college, i would interact with his peers who had no real work experience, studied abroad multiple times, had nice cars, etc. and i always found it jarring because many of my college friends were system impacted, grew up extremely poor, or came from working class backgrounds like myself. i felt so out of place around my bf’s friends and still do.

nick’s gf is also very sweet, lets call her jess (25f). jess and nick have been dating for around a year. jess isn’t spoiled, it just is very evident to me that her circumstances are different. jess has a land rover, grew up dancing and playing soccer, her parents are retired and still married, she lives on her own in a very expensive city (coincidentally where my parents lived when i was a baby until they were priced out and had to move). at family gatherings, she’s able to hold her own so well. she effortlessly chats with all of their family members, whom i’ve seen multiple times over the years and have never had even a small interaction with. jess talked to their grandma for over an hour when she first met her, and i have never spoken to her once. i only recently am more comfortable with talking to the parents if my bf isn’t around, he’s always been my social shield. i feel so out of place around them; my grandparents were either dead or lived too far away and i never had other relatives. i also am low contact with my own parents, and i think i project that.

finally, i deal with it at my work; i’m an admin assistant at a law firm and my coworkers make upwards of 200k a year. one of the paralegals (we’ll call him james) is 30; and his dad is a lawyer who stops by just to chat with his son because he happens to work in the same building. james’ dad is going to pay for james’ law school tuition at georgetown; law school is something i’ve always been interested in but i know it would be too expensive and i am so mentally ill i don’t know if i could make it through. my bosses’ kids are not much younger than me; they are involved in many extracurriculars and sports, travel internationally often, have tutors and mentors and go to therapy, etc. they just graduated high school and are going to USC and Stanford. they are very smart and hardworking, but I just can’t help but wonder what if my support system and life experiences had looked like theirs or james’. i was definitely smart and had a 4.3 GPA, i worked two jobs my junior and senior year, and didn’t even apply to any private schools because i felt like i wouldn’t get in and if i did it would be unaffordable. i don’t tell my bosses this when they ask about what it was like for me to apply to college because i don’t want to “woe is me” myself at work, nor do i want to do it in this post.

i’m just looking for advice on how to just get over this stupid complex. my therapist says that forgiveness is accepting that the past cannot be changed, but i have struggled with accepting just that for years and years. i did not grow up in bad conditions by any means; i never worried about food or any other basic need, my parents have always had stable income, never laid a finger on us, and they did the best they could. i am also doing well; i have a reliable car that ive had since i was 16, i live with roommates in an affordable city and my job covers my expenses with a little left over for fun and saving. i just can’t help but wonder if i would be a more well-adjusted person if my parents were able to afford to put me in extracurriculars or tutoring, if they had the time to work on social skills with me so i wouldn’t feel so paralyzed in social situations, if they had gotten sober and gone to therapy and thus numerous traumatic events never happened as a result. i could go on. “what ifs” rule my life, i truly feel like i deserved better, and am sad and angry that i have to re-parent myself as an adult and pick up hobbies because i finally have the disposable income to do so. overall, i just feel stunted and inferior because of these circumstances and i know i need to get over it already, i just don’t know how.

tldr: i know that this comparison is the source of my unhappiness and yet i cannot just brush it off and just stop comparing my life to that of others.

My mom is 58 years old and has been drinking since I can remember (I'm in my late-twenties). I used to find empty bottles of vodka in her closet, at times up to 15+ of them. She has a significant childhood trauma history and I know this affects her.

Over the past 6+ months, her drinking seems to have increased. She looks unhealthy - pale, puffy, eyes are a bit jaundiced, and likely has ascites. Recently when I've seen her, she has been clearly not sober. All the signs are there.

What did you do with your parent(s), and were they effective? I don't want to lose my mom. I want her to live her life. But I believe the alcohol is slowly killing her and I'm not sure how much time we have left.

Hi all.

I (35 f) am new to ACoA and started reading the big red book a few weeks ago. Ive always known i struggle with codependency and anxiety and low self esteem, but ive never done the specific ACoA work. It’s brought up a lot of grief and the deep feeling that something is so so wrong with me and always will be. I’ve been terribly depressed and near suicidal at times the last few weeks. I have a therapist to work with me on it. When did it start feeling better/manageable?

I have become acquainted with survival
the way old men become acquainted with silence.

Not because I chose it.

Because it chose me.

There was a time
when every room had to be measured,
every voice interpreted,
every face read
before I could decide
whether I belonged.

Children should not have to learn
that kind of mathematics.

But some of us do.

So I learned to disappear
without ever leaving.

I learned to smile
without resting.

To achieve
without arriving.

To love
while wondering
why I never quite felt worthy
of being loved back.

Years passed.

I became the man
everyone said I would become.

Dependable.
Successful.
Respected.
A husband.
A father.

Yet every accomplishment
felt like another photograph
of someone I couldn’t quite remember being

People congratulated the life I’d built.

Only I knew
how much of it
had been built by a frightened little boy
trying to make sure
no one could ever call him
worthless again.

Survival is a remarkable craftsman.

It can build careers.
It can build families.
It can build reputations.
It can even build faith.

But it cannot teach a man
how to rest.

It cannot teach him
that love does not have to be earned.

It cannot convince him
that he belongs
before he performs.

So he keeps climbing.

Not because he wants the mountain.

Because somewhere inside him
a child still believes
the view from the top
might finally feel like home.

But every summit
is strangely quiet.

Every victory
echoes.

Every dream fulfilled
asks the same question:

“Is this all there is?”

No.

It isn’t.

The tragedy
was never that I suffered.

The tragedy
was believing
that suffering
was the only way
I knew how to exist.

And yet…

Somewhere beneath the fear…

beneath the striving…

beneath the endless becoming…

there is still a soul
that remembers
it was not created
to survive.

It was created
to be fully alive.

So now my prayer
is no longer
to become someone else.

It is simply this:

To remain present
long enough

to meet the man
I have been
my whole life

waiting to become.

I have always wondered if what I have gone through as a child can be described as severe or bad. I recently learned that "just" having parents who are addicted to alcohol is bad enough for child support to step in ans ask more questions.

My mom 51 has been going through a rough breakup with my stepdad and she wants to go party now on weekends I'm 24 years old I have a ID card like she used to take me I don't understand what happened now like all I want to do is have fun is there something I'm not understanding? I just don't get it I feel like I'm either being pushed away or something else is going on and she doesn't know how to tell me I just want my happy mom back what do I do? She used to do everything with me until now and I feel confused please help me

Has anyone else experienced this in their family? My dad had a lot of hip pain and he pretended to go to see the doctor about it. Would come back and say the doctor said it was nothing, no medication prescribed, no stretches/physio needed, etc. This went on for a very long time, 4 years of complaining about the hip pain. I am pretty sure he was just going out to eat burgers or something that he wasn’t supposed to be eating because of his diabetes. Eventually the pain was so bad he had no choice but to do something about it. Turned out he needed a hip replacement surgery. The knee on his other leg needed a replacement surgery as well about a year later. Now at the same time as all of this, he had numbness in one of his feet. He did the same thing where he pretended to go see the doctor about it and still would come back with nothing to show for his supposed visits. Got to a point where his foot was at the stage where they were going to have to cut it off if the last minute surgery wasn’t a success.

Now I am watching my mom do seemingly the exact same thing. She has this mysterious hip pain that cannot be explained. And same thing, was reluctant to go see the doctor, wouldn’t let someone take her, and she eventually went on her own… but comes back with no info, no painkillers, no instructions, no diagnosis… and just talks about how the pain is bad but guess there is nothing that can be done.

Has anyone else experienced this type of lunacy before with their parents? What is with not taking action until it’s too late? Is it because someone else is telling them to do something and they are resisting? I don’t understand why someone wouldn’t want to get to the bottom of something in order to have a better quality of life. This is in Canada btw, so the expenses part is covered, and I know there are misdiagnoses all the time. But this is a situation where the behaviours, avoiding conversion on the topic, and overall awkwardness is very suspicious.

I can no longer cope and i’m really struggling and I’ve decided i need to bring up her drinking issues with her. She will deny it. Any advice on how to handle the conversation?

I’m 32

Always been against trying medication MYSELF as I didn’t want extra chemicals in me.

I exercise, sleep somewhat normal, eat clean, put in nature, try meditate etc

But now after years of work

Maybe it’s necessary

Doc recommending sertraline

Curious if others have any life changing positive experiences so I can look into the drugs and talk to doc

(I don’t have family, dark cptsd, stuck in freeze state a lot, hyper vigilant, deer in headlights, spotlight effect, on edge speaking to anyone, inner critic, wake up and feel like someone is judging me instantly (me judging the feeling I feel), feeling like an alien, ugly, bad body dysmorphia. I’m so isolated.)

Hi all. I'm Ken, and I’m doing informal research into people’s experiences with deeper inner work: TRE, IFS, Somatic Experiencing, EMDR, therapy, meditation, journaling, shadow work, etc.

I’m especially interested in people who feel something like:

“This has helped me, but I still feel stuck.”

“I’ve released emotion, but I don’t know how to integrate it.”

“I understand my parts/patterns, but my life hasn’t changed enough.”

“I feel safer than before, but something still feels unfinished.”

“I’m tired of healing feeling endless.”

I’m developing a small coaching/support project around deeper inner work, but I’m not selling anything here. I’m trying to understand what people actually want, in their own words, before I build anything.

Would anyone be open to a short anonymous 15–20 minute research chat, by text or voice? It’s not therapy, coaching, or a sales call. I’d mainly ask:

What have you tried?

What helped?

What still feels unresolved?

What kind of support do you wish existed?

What would actually feel different in your life if this worked?

Also happy for people to answer in the comments if they prefer. I’m especially interested in the honest frustrations people don’t always get to say out loud.

My dad has always been an alcoholic. He was never physically abusive, not really, but generally just awful. I was always too much. Too loud, too weak, cried too much, fought with my mum too much (when I was a kid/teenager). He was always right and everyone in the whole world was wrong. He'd drink and get maggot at every special occasion, every weekend and now he is retired, every day. It was constantly embarrassing and honestly, I think he just drank to deal with me. At least until I moved out but I think he drinks because I'm such a disappointment.

He was so aggressive to my high school I was told I'd be excluded from all the graduation stuff if he attended. He's awful to my mother and she should have left him 100 years ago.

He never really did anything but threats. It sounds stupid but it was things like driving dangerously if he was angry with me, calling me selfish if I didn't do what he wanted, threatening to take my mum away and all my support if he didn't like what I was doing. He never liked me, not really. He always seemed to act or treat me like I'm a total dumbass. I am a dumbass but still.

Anyway, I recently had a child. My kid is the best thing in the world, even though it's really hard. I wouldn't trade them for anything. But, my dad has still been drinking and being..like himself. The night before my baby was born I was really anxious and teary. I've never been able to talk to him about anything and nothing was different but he threatened to take my mum home and leave me alone in the hospital. He didn't end up doing that (my mum wasnt going to leave) but it wasn't a great time. He never interacted with my kid during visits until he had been drinking until my kid was 15 months and even then, always with a beer.

We just had a visit and it was awful. He constantly undermined me and the decisions I was making for my baby while also saying things as if he was involved in his care. Anyway, I was really sleep deprived from a week of awful baby sleep and I ended up not being able to ignore it and we ended up having a fight and he threatened me. He made a threat that just went too far for me. And I told him to get out of my house. He moped around but never apologised and I wasn't going to. I always have to get over what he says or does but I don't want to this time. He moped the whole time until he left and when he left said to me 'I probably won't be able to come back for awhile, so take care of the baby for me'. He isn't invited back so it's really not his choice.

I don't understand why I feel a combination of sad, guilty and a little relieved. I know it doesn't seem like a lot, or worth it to cut him off because he never hit me. I don't know why I'm so guilty or ashamed really. I do feel relieved I don't have to speak to him anymore but also like I want to cry a little? I don't understand.

I'm worried how it will affect my kid, who doesn't have a dad and limited male figures. But at the same time, I couldn't imagine treating my kid the way my dad treated me. I'd be horrified if my kid ever cut me off for something I'd said or done.

Sorry for the rant, I hope this made some kind of sense.

My mom passed away yesterday evening. I know she did what she thought was the best way to love me. The last few years my mom's sickness became more apparent. She hid her alcoholism. I won't even know if she could admit it to herself. I always felt like I needed to be a perfect person to make her happy and make up for the pain in her life. My mom cared a lot about the struggles of people around her but minimized her needs- and I kinda learned to think that way too. I've been grieving for my mom for awhile now, long before today. I am so grateful for this sub. It helped me and will probably continue to help me. It was comforting to read everyone's experiences and I felt less alone. I was able to see how my dysfunctional family has affected me. I'm going to go to therapy and take care of myself. Watching her die wasn't a beautiful experience but through the process I realized I have my husband and my family to lean on through all of this. If anyone reads this you're not alone and you're allowed to feel whatever you want to feel about your parents. Thanks for reading my ramblings.

My (33F) mom (63F) has always been a drinker.
I moved away from my home country nine years ago, so instead of witnessing the situation every day, I now only see it for about two weeks a year. We’ve always clashed because of our very different personalities, and the fact that she tends to ignore problems, shut down, or become hostile whenever conflict arises has taken an increasing toll on our relationship.
Even though I know I can’t save someone, especially someone who refuses to acknowledge they have a problem, I can’t help but feel desperate for my dad (66M).
To give a bit more context, my mom is a heavy smoker and, for as long as I can remember, she has drunk alcohol every single day. She doesn’t drink hard liquor, but she goes through six or seven cans of beer daily, no matter what. To the point that I can barely remember ever seeing her drink water, just beer. On top of that, she lives a very sedentary lifestyle.
My dad is the complete opposite. He’s incredibly active, only drinks on special occasions, and quit smoking years ago. I’m back in my home country for the summer, and my dad came to me and told me that he just can’t do this anymore. We had a long conversation where I told him that he has to protect his own mental health. He can support her and encourage her to get better, but he can’t let himself hit rock bottom trying to save her.
My dad is a sweetheart, the kind of man who just wants to create harmony and peace, and he’s begging me to help him help her. It’s breaking my heart in ways I can’t even explain.
I don’t personally know anyone with a successful recovery story from alcoholism, and I’m in therapy myself, trying to heal my own demons while navigating this situation.
How can I help my dad? How can I support him through this? As sad as it is, I carry a lot of resentment toward my mom and I feel guilty for that. But I also know I can’t drown trying to keep someone else afloat.

For a small bit of context, my parents divorced when I was about 6 and me, my mum and my older brother moved out leaving my dad with the house we grew up in. My mum reasoned that if we kept living in the house he would never settle down properly, even though he was the alcoholic, abusive partner in our situation.

We struggled at first, but my mum budgeted and worked extremely hard and got us through, although we moved about a lot. Me (f20) and my brother (m22) would sometimes visit, at first overnight visits because he had partial custody, but eventually he was banned from that due to his drinking. When I was 12, we moved again to the same village so that we could easily go home if things escalated.

As we got older, we'd stay round less, and he had less of a reason to keep the house functional. We had a couple of birthday parties there as teenagers for noise reasons, and it took days of work to get it up to an acceptable visiting standard. By that point, only 1/2 of his toilets worked, and the garden was a literal jungle.

Then we went off to university. My brother just graduated and I am about to go into my third and final year. The visits are rare now, and we just moved further away again.

Yesterday, I finally went into his house, and it was horrible. I needed a letter that got delivered to his as it contained information on accessing some money, and he agreed to look for it, but wouldn't let me into the house. But I made up an excuse about needing the loo so I could see for myself how bad its gotten.

I couldn't even walk through the house with the piles of unopened letters, random bits and bobs, and drink bottles that were strewn around. He was knelt on the floor parsing through the mess to find my letter. So many wine glasses both empty and full were on every surface. The 'light' in the bathroom was a lamp on the floor plugged into the 'office' The shower was disgusting. It was like a hoarder house without the hoarding, just an extreme inability to clean up anything. I'm missing out so much because I couldn't even process it at the time.

My dad now has no oven, no working shower, no dishwasher, no washing machine, no heating, no bathroom light, and that's only the stuff I know about. It's probably so much worse. His garden is an actual jungle; you can't even see out of the ground floor windows because the weeds are so tall, although that parts been the case for many years now.

I could see the shame in his eyes after he let me see inside; I'm surprised he even let me in. I should go round and help but I have so much uni work (I deferred half of my exams and assignments this year) and so little time.

But the worst part of this all is that I have a feeling I'm going down the same path.

I recently got diagnosed with ADHD and I'm really scared I'm going to end up just as dysfunctional as my dad in the future who definitely also is neurodivergent in some way. Last year I had two medical emergencies due to mixing alcohol with my medication that caused really bad gastritis. A few months ago I went into a coma after it happened again and I could have died. I've cut out alcohol since but I'm so scared. My brother, who was diagnosed with asperger's (now formally just ASD), probably has ADHD, but couldn't be diagnosed with both at the time. He admitted to me the other day that he fell into bad drinking habits early 2026 but that its under control now.

I'm horribly messy and disorganised just like my dad. I've had beef with my flatmates for being messy this year even though I've been trying my best to be considerate and keep it contained to my room. That's its own rabbit hole (flatmate has OCD and anorexia). Antidepressants helped but I just went off them because they killed my sex drive. They supported me at the time, but they feel like being held up by a piece of damp cardboard. Everything feels like a temporary solution.

I just don't know what to do. I know there's nothing I can do without jeopardising my own progress and mental health. I know it's not my fault he ended up this way. But I think my dad is going to die, and I feel absolutely helpless. I love my dad and I hate to admit it but I really see myself in him, and that's why it hurts so much.

Hello adult children of Reddit! As the title suggests I am a minor under my parents roof and want to leave once Im 18. I am currently 15 and a girl which is going to make this infinitely harder. I know I want to go to college once I graduate and study psychology. I am turning to this community because I know many people have had similar experiences and I want to be prepared. I am a non-religious closeted asexual lesbian in a Christian household. If my parent find out I will be sent to a camp that’s designed for “people like me.” Just recently I tried to explain to my parents why I do not like physical touch. They freaked out and dragged me to the doctor and I was ‘diagnosed’. I put that in quotes because the doctor said he thought I had fibromyalgia. I do not. The symptoms of fibromyalgia are not even close to what I told them. It only makes it worse that I am not a people person and would rather be alone than spend time with family. Ever since then they treat me like a recently released psych patient that can’t be trusted alone. Im writing this while I’m pretending to be asleep. I have resources available to me at my school that will be useful and helpful but I am not old enough to access them just yet. I’m am writing here as sort of a way to find more resource, information, tips, advice, or just someone else’s point of view. I will and am doing my own research but any and all comments are welcome and appreciated. If anyone wants more context or have questions of your own I don’t mind putting my parents or my personal life on blast.

Questions that I would love if could be answered:

How do I go about opening a credit and debit card, and are my parents required to be on my card when Im still a minor?

How do I find an affordable apartment, and what do I look for in the apartment?

Are there any tips for finding reliable long term work (doesn’t have to be in specific field)?

Is there anything I’m overlooking or missing?

Where is a good place to hide small things or money ( I share a room with my sister)?

(i have more but will edit and add when I remember them)

Thank you for anything you throw my way!

Edit: A couple people believe my parents are narcissists. Neither if them are narcissists, just a classic family of people under religious psychosis. I do see how that way I talked about them makes them look that way. I just wanted to make it clear that I am as safe as I can be and not in any imediant danger as long as they don’t find out me being non-religious or lesbian. My mother if anything has narcissistic tendencies but definitely isn’t a full on narcissist. My father doesn’t have any narcissistic traits but still isn’t a good person. Just wanted to clear those things up.

Good evening , my step father has been in my life since I was a week old, he married my mother when I was around two , he has always had a pretty evident anger problem , road rage , punching things , blowing up at small things , things going from 0-100 within a second , extremely lack of empathy ETC , to cut to the chase , in 2024 him and my mom hit a sagnifgant wall in their marriage , his drinking had become out of control, it amplified his anger and was starting to obviously destroy his health and everything around him , to make a long story short she kicked him out telling him to get sober or it’s over , so he lives at a campsite for a few weeks and goes to AA ( supposedly) and then for the next two years we were all praising him , supporting him, even a had a damn celebration last year and everyone brought cards and food , just to find out tonight that it’s all been a facade , that he really hasn’t stopped drinking and he’s been doing it all along and said he finally doesn’t have to “lie” , ofc this is a huge betrayal , and we are now putting his behavior together after learning this and how much it all checks out , he’s always complaining about money, been blowing up like he used to , starts screaming and cussing , threw a plant at my mom told her he hopes she “chokes “ on her soup, stuck up two middle fingers like a manchild . It sucks bcus he has always held finances over us and mt moms head , it’s always about what he’s done , doesn’t matter what we try to do it’ll never be on his “level” .

Has anyone had a problem finding a therapist that is able to keep up with them intellectually. I feel like the therapists I keep getting aren't well read on CPTSD, narcissistic abuse, CEN, existential depression etc? I feel like I'm talking to fast, throwing out too many things and the replys I get show a lack of engagement with what I'm saying. It makes me feel like what I'm saying isn't important or something. Anyone have similar experiences?

My mother is absolutely miserable in her life. Shes an addict with chronic pain. She told my father that she regrets going to a concert with him (how they fell in love) . She says she could be living on an island with her ex boyfriend instead of here.
Dad says everything she says is “water off a ducks back “ to him. When confronted with these statements she’ll say she’s joking. I say it’s hurtful and unfunny. She gets all in a huff and says she’s the worst or that I’m sensitive.
I fucking hate addiction.

OP (F28) | Fiancé (M27)

Hi everyone. I want to give some background first before getting into what’s been happening.

My fiancé and I got engaged in November 2025, and we have been together since 2016. We are high school sweethearts. He has never really dated anyone before me, and I only dated one person before him. We have always done everything together, even going to college at the same time and scheduling our classes together.

At one point I dropped out of college, but this year I am going back online. He said he would support me while I go to school full time. He continued his education, majored in criminology, and is now a police officer. He has been one for about four years. I am currently a social worker at the county.

We come from very different backgrounds. He grew up with both parents in a stable home with no alcohol issues. I also had both parents, but there was a lot of alcohol, partying, and instability. I spent a lot of time at my grandma’s house, and even there it was not always safe because of family members and things going on around me. A lot of my childhood trauma is tied to alcohol, and also to police in a way, which is ironic. Over time I worked through some of that because of him.

Why I Am Posting:

My fiancé does not drink often. It is usually during trips or family events, maybe once a month. But there have now been two back to back incidents, and this behavior is completely new in the ten years we have known each other. What I have been noticing is that when he drinks, he starts to belittle me, dismiss me, and act like a completely different person.

Incident 1: Pool Night With His Friends

We went out to play pool with his friends Jacob and Joe, who are brothers. When I met Joe, he was wearing a Korn shirt. I complimented it and said I like their music too.
My fiancé immediately said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You never listen to music like that. Quit lying.”

I was confused and said, “What do you mean? I do listen to that kind of music. It’s literally in my playlists, you know this.”

He responded with, “Okay, sure babe.”

It got awkward right away. While we were playing pool, I realized I was actually really good and I was having a great time. At one point he told me, “You better make this shot or we’re just going to call off the wedding.”

Nobody laughed. His friends looked at me, then at him.
After I took the shot, I told him that was disrespectful. He brushed it off and said, “It’s just a joke. We’re all playing around.” I let it go because I know I can get angry quickly and I was trying to not escalate things.But the behavior continued. Any time I knew something that his friends were talking about and he did not, he would try to prove me wrong or make it seem like I did not know what I was talking about.

After we finished, Jacob asked if I wanted to see their new business since it was nearby. I said yes. My fiancé said, “No, we’re going home.”

I said, “I haven’t seen it, and he’s been your friend for years. I want to support him and see what he’s building.”

So we went.

They were showing me the space and explaining their plans. I told them it was really cool to see their ambition and dedication.

My fiancé said, “I mean yeah, but it needs a lot of work.”

It felt unnecessary and negative. I responded, “Well good thing it’s a mobile business.”He stayed quiet after that. At the end, they asked if we wanted to smoke. I said no. One of them asked, “Didn’t you used to be a pothead?” I said yes, but that I stopped when I met my fiancé because he asked me to.

My fiancé jumped in and said, “Nah, not even. I told you you could still smoke, just with me.”
That is not how I experienced it, and it felt uncomfortable.
Then they started talking about edibles, dosage, bongs, and all that. When I added to the conversation, he kept saying things like, “Nahhhh, no you don’t. Quit lying. You act like you know hella stuff.”

At that point I snapped and said, “I know more than you would ever know.” Everything got really awkward, so I told him I wanted to go home.

Incident 2: Family Gathering

Another situation happened at his family’s house. They were having a small event and he had been drinking.
He playfully pushed his cousin, and she spilled her drink on me. She joked and said, “Get your man,” and I jokingly tapped him on the butt with my sandal.

It was not hard at all. It was playful.

He immediately got very upset and threw his chair back hard. It almost hit my leg.

I leaned in and quietly said, “There’s no need to be upset. I didn’t mean anything by it. I thought we were all playing.”

He said, “Yeah, it hurt though.”

So I apologized. When I got up to walk away, he grabbed my wrist very hard. It hurt. I pulled away and said, “Get your hand off me. You’re hurting me.” He let go.
At that point I knew the night was going to be bad.

The Argument That Night

The argument went on for hours. It got to the point where his mom got involved because she has never seen him act like that. I tried to explain to her that the version of him she sees is not the same as the one I see when he is drunk. She seemed confused.
At one point, his mom asked to just leave each other and I tried but he insisted he had a last word with me. Then it escalated and he asked to talk to me in his truck because I was crying loudly. We went, but I knew it was not over.

The look in his eyes was different. He looked so angry. It was the first time I genuinely felt like he might hit me. He told me that I was the one unhappy in the relationship and that I would regret being with him.
That is when it clicked for me that he might be projecting. The whole situation triggered me deeply. It made me feel like I was a child again, dealing with angry drunk men.

I kept begging him to let me leave and go home. Eventually he did.

The Next Day:

The next day, I tried to talk to him calmly.

I told him how scared I felt and asked if he had any doubts about marrying me. I even said we could take time apart and revisit things later if needed. He said he still wants to marry me and does not hate me and does it want us to have our family. And so do I. I want to be his wife and the mother of his children. His family is so kind & actually present in their kids lives seem normal and loving.

But when I told him I felt like he might hit me, he stayed quiet.

That part has been stuck in my head ever since.

Most Recent Situation:

Last night, he went to his family’s house again. Before he left, we argued because I stayed home to do homework and take exams since I had just gone camping with his friends and fell behind. Later, he got drunk and sent me a screenshot of a coworker inviting the guys over to drink since his family was out of town. He told me he was going to go if someone could pick him up. It was already late. I told him it was not a good idea. He kept going in circles and said he would go with or without my permission. I even messaged his friend’s fiancé to ask if he was going, and she said she did not think so and did not know about it. Eventually his friend did not respond, and my fiancé said he would sober up and drive home. That is what he did.

How I Feel:

I do not care that he goes out with friends or family. What I care about is how he treats me when he is drunk. It is starting to scare me.

He is a great partner when he is sober. We have had a strong relationship for years. But I have seen this exact pattern in my family before. Someone can be a great person sober and still cause serious harm when they drink.

I am scared that this could get worse over time.

What I Need Advice On:

I do not know how to get through to him about how serious this is. I am having a hard time trying to show him what he is like when he is drunk, and it is not always possible to record it in the moment. I feel conflicted because I love him, but I am also starting to feel scared.

I do not know if I am overreacting or if this is something I need to take very seriously now before it escalates.

Any advice or perspective would really help.

Side note I am in therapy before these incidents. But just other conversations I’ve had with her before these incidents she would seriously ask me how are we so compatible yet so different. And a lot of people tell me this. Even one point in our relationship we thought about breaking up because we would argue so much. Nd we are just too different. But we didn’t , we worked it out.

Back in February I turned 20, promised myself and loved ones I’d change my life for the better, since 14 I’ve struggled with mental health, addiction and abuse. Each year I found myself sinking deeper and eventually got into an accident at 17 leading to chronic pain and worsen mental health. Stopped drinking n smoking until I learned how to walk again, that’s when I fell back into it, thinking it helped with the backpain, eventually 18, the habits changed my mindset, I dropped out of school and lost myself again, leading to me leaving the city to live with close family and stay near my siblings, I always pulled myself back up. But each month I’d leave home to go on week+ benders. I lost my siblings to foster care at 19. Eventually I gave up a lot of hope and dropped out school again, to begin staying in the city with friends and boyfriends, each time I drank alcohol I felt chained down to it, finding myself in situations i never thought I’d be in. Now this may be long and no need for a sob story.
But it’s been 5 months since turning 20. I sank deeper and this time the trauma and withdrawals feel like a nightmare, I’ve drank so much each day for nearly two months. It’s now day 1, I’m finally going back to family and I look/feel broken now
but I need prayers and advice. I’m scared to go back to the place I was in…
Need faith and if anyone can relate and share their story I’d appreciate it. Thank you if you read all this way.

I've been in trauma therapy for a while and only recently started processing the abuse and neglect from my childhood. The thing is, I was really happy. My parents weren't all bad, they were pretty supportive and fun most of the time. My father's drinking didn't really get bad until I was in high school and he started coaching me in sports, which is where 90% of the verbal abuse happened. Before this, I thought my mom was actually pretty supportive, but as it turns out, she was supportive when she wanted to be, but when I was really upset, she'd treat me terrible for coming to her for help and tell me to "suck it up." I also definitely yelled at my father when he'd say demeaning things to me, but my mom would blame the fights on me. I think because of this dynamic, I was mostly happy and goofy. Sometimes I think it was a coping mechanism. I was pretty responsible, amazing at sports and academics, but was somewhat immature for someone who was achieving what I was. I ended up getting a PhD and that was what finally broke me. I didn't learn how to safely deal with difficult emotions and I shoved them down until they shoved back. I got sick and haven't recovered. I started going to trauma therapy due to my chronic illness and grad school. I was trying to reconcile the angry, cynical, PhD version of myself with my younger, goofy, self and for a very short period it felt like I had finally done that. Now, that I've finally stopped repressing what happened in my childhood and am looking back at all the things I did when I was too mature, trying to be that young, goofy, version of myself feels dangerous. I put myself in a lot of situations that were not good for me and that took a lot from me. Sometimes I really want to be that version of me again but sometimes I think that's a dumb idea. Has anybody else gone through this?

First part of this post was written last week. Update below.

Growing up my mom never drank but as I’ve gotten older (and after a family member passed: 2014) her drinking as increased every year. It had gotten noticeably worse in the last 4 years. She drinks every night, family gatherings are a mess, she has been cut off at weddings, and on top of that has serious health issues. She and my dad bring coolers filled with beer and seltzers to everything. Us siblings are tired of it and don’t call my mom after 5pm because we know she will be drinking. We have tried talking to our dad but he doesn’t do anything. She is extremely defensive if cutting back or quitting is mentioned. I feel like I’m the one parenting my parent at 30.

UPDATE:

My sibling and I decided to talk to our dad about our concerns regarding our mom’s drinking. We focused heavily on the health concerns because we are genuinely worried about her.

He told us that she has “cut back a lot,” but when we asked what that meant, he said she “only has 3-4 drinks a night.” When we told him that was still a lot, he dismissed us and said we were “only kids.” We are both in our late 20s and early 30s.

Fast forward to family dinner last night. Our mom was drinking out of a Solo cup, and there was a bottle of seltzer water on the counter. We were honestly so excited because we thought she was drinking an alcohol alternative. Our dad was also drinking NA beer.

Unfortunately, a trip to the trash can told a different story. There were 6 White Claw cans hidden under paper towels in a freshly replaced trash bag. I know it was freshly replaced because I saw my dad change it when we arrived. Clearly her response is to hide alcohol consumption rather than stop drinking.

I had to run an errand, and when I came back she was drinking White Claw Surges. After dinner, I left, but my sibling stayed behind since they live out of state and our parents were taking them to the airport the next morning.
Later that night, I got a call from my sibling asking me to come pick them up. Our mom was screaming at them, and our dad had told her about our conversation. She then threatened to stop paying for my sibling’s wedding, which is less than a year away, and told them they should uninvite her.

Once again, I feel like I am stuck in the middle and I truly don’t know what to do next. I know I can’t force someone to change, but I also don’t know how to sit back and watch this happen.

I really need advice from people who have been through this. What do we do next?