I (25F) got into a huge argument with my boyfriend (33M). He got in my face, was yelling at me, and wouldn’t back away even after I repeatedly told him to move.
I completely lost my temper. I told him that if he didn’t get out of my face, I would slap him. He didn’t move, and I slapped him.
The second I did, he hit me back with so much force that I fell onto the bed.
I know I was wrong for slapping him first. I’m not trying to excuse what I did, and I take responsibility for it. But the difference in our strength is huge, and the force he used genuinely scared me.
Right after it happened, he started apologizing. He kept saying it would never happen again, that I didn’t deserve it, and that he hated himself for reacting that way. He also said he only reacted because I hit him first.
I left immediately, went home, and blocked him everywhere. I don’t plan on speaking to him again, but I’m struggling because part of me wonders if I made the right decision. What if he truly lost control just once? What if he really means it when he says it will never happen again?
At the same time, I can’t stop thinking that if someone is capable of hitting me once, maybe they could do it again.
Did I make the right decision by leaving and blocking him, or am I overreacting?

I have BPD and I'm not sure if I'm overreacting...

These hurt... But he also has times where he constantly loves on me.... I'm so confused...

Wondering if this human bite mark will fade away completely ?

He is on his way. He is already kind of being mean on the phone from his bad day at work. Told me he is not the one to vent to when after he called me, I tried to have a general conversation.

I feel nervous, I can't tell if he's drunk or not. I have set up my cameras in my house. I really feel like my nervous system should not be this way- so hyper aware and scanning for danger with him. Why can't things just be normal?

I will update later, just praying for a healthy evening.

I'm at a phase, a year after leaving, where I feel equipped and I really really want to casually date/have sex again but I'm so scared. I feel so repressed and uptight and like I've completely forgotten how to flirt and the prospect of going on a date fills me with so much anxiety.

Does anyone have any advice on this, especially after sexual violence in the relationship?

I mean even writing the title feels ridiculous because clearly threats and insults shouldn’t be ok but I was talking to a friend and mentioned something my partner has said repeatedly to me. He has always maintained that I overreact and can’t take a joke. My friend looked genuinely horrified and now i can’t make sense of the fact that some people don’t hear things like this.

When I’ve been frustrating in some way, he will say something like “oh I want to m**der you”. I know it’s said in exasperation when he thinks I’ve been stupid or have annoyed him in a frustrating way. Is this normal? My friend also said her husband has never so much as called her “stupid”…I can’t imagine a situation where things like this aren’t said to me so readily.

He increased his abuse when I go through terrible problems. Actually kicks me whilst I am down. Ups the cruelty etc. Anyone relate?

TW: physical violence between adult siblings

I am a 26(f), and my older brother is 35. This happened this evening, so I am still processing everything.

I want to preface this by saying that I genuinely do not currently feel in danger, and I do not believe this will happen again. I know people often say that after something serious happens, but that is honestly how I feel right now.

My two brothers and I have essentially been one another’s support system for years. Our father left our mother, although they are still legally married. It is complicated and connected to family and cultural dynamics that are common in many African cultures/families. Much of our extended family also turned their backs on us or behaved in ways that made us stop trusting them.

There has also been a lot of stress surrounding our parents’ health. My father previously had a stroke and epileptic attacks and was recently treated for skin cancer. My mother went through intensive spinal surgery.

I will acknowledge that I can have an extremely sharp tongue, particularly when I am stressed or anxious. My brother, on the other hand, is known to have a temper. He can also be patronising toward me and sometimes acts as though I must defer to him because he is older and because he is a man, even when he was disrespectful first.
We have had heated disagreements before, but they have never become physical.

He also has ongoing problems with his spouse that he tends to bottle up. My other brother and I have tried to support him and even bought him a sim racing setup because it is something he loves and we hoped it would give him an outlet. I cannot know whether any of that stress contributed to what happened, but I suspect the level of anger was not entirely about me.

My brother and I work for the same organisation. Our departments are based on the same floor, but we are in different departments, and he usually works from other buildings. We normally carpool.
This evening, we were returning from work in my car, with my brother driving.
Close to my neighbourhood, he wanted to turn left onto a very narrow road that only had enough space for one car. Another car was coming from that road and intended to turn right, but our car was occupying the space the driver needed to complete the turn.

My brother expected the other driver to temporarily turn left, allow us to pass into the narrow road, reverse, and then make the right turn the driver had originally intended.
The two drivers remained at a standstill. My brother kept signalling for the other car to move and said that he had the whole day to stand there.
I repeatedly suggested two alternatives. The first was for my brother to move forward slightly so that the other car could complete its intended right turn. We could then reverse and make the left turn my brother wanted.

The second was simply to continue straight. His preferred left turn would have put us approximately one minute from home, while continuing straight would have put us approximately two minutes from home.

I was tired after work and did not understand why we were having an extended standoff over a difference of roughly one minute, especially when there was another way for him to make the left turn.
I eventually said something along the lines of, “As the owner of the car, can we please just go home? It has been a long day.”

He then continued straight.

After we drove away, he told me that I should not have interfered. I replied that I had not spoken to the other driver at all. I had only spoken to him inside my own car.

He told me to mind my business. I replied that my car was my business and that I wanted to go home. I recognise that my car comment was pointed and possibly mean in the way I delivered it.
He told me to shut up. I refused because I did not believe the argument made sense. He called me stupid, and I called him stupid back. He raised his voice, and I raised mine. There was a bit of back and forth with the “shutting up” and “no, because it involves my car” comments.

He said I was disrespecting him and that I should respect him because he was older. I said that maturity was not determined by age.
When we arrived at the house, he repeatedly told me not to anger him and said that I would not like what he would do.

I kept asking what he intended to do.
He then said that if I had balls, I should get out of the car. I am a woman, so the wording was obviously intended as a challenge.

I got out through the passenger side and remained standing beside the passenger side of the car.
He got out through the driver’s side, came around the car to where I was standing and slapped me.

I slapped him back after he hit me. He then continued hitting me until I fell.
I tried to kick him in the groin. When I managed to get up, I slapped him again, and his glasses and phone fell. He then hit and kicked me multiple times, and I fell again.

Only after he had already struck me repeatedly did I tell him to hit me if he wanted to hit me so badly (as I had adrenaline running and was clearly heated and upset).

When he appeared to be leaving, I said that I was not his spouse, referring to her by name (definitely fucked up more here).

Again, I made this comment only after he had already slapped, hit and kicked me repeatedly.
After I mentioned his wife, he came back and hit me again. He told me not to speak about his wife. I called him a coward.
Our groundskeeper (from where we are from, it is common to have help around the house for middle class households) tried to separate us, and my other brother, whom I will call M, eventually separated us.

I had blood around my nose, facial swelling, a headache (feeling the headache now) and a broken nail. I used ice, and the swelling appeared to go down somewhat. I am honestly also sad about the nail, even though I know it is the least serious injury (girl problems haha).
M asked me what had happened, and I told him my version. My older brother went to tell our mother his version.

Our mother became extremely distressed, and her blood pressure appeared to rise. She began blaming herself because the journey and detour (she had asked me to buy something for the house) had partly involved something connected to her. She said something about demons trying to destroy our family after we had maintained harmony through everything involving our father. For context, she is very religious and where we are from “botânicas” are used to spread misfortune to others/or bring you ‘fortune’ (love,money) at a cost, which adds to her superstition.

M and I both reassured her that none of this was her fault.
M later spoke to both of us. He gave me a lecture about how both sides were wrong and asked whether I was willing to reconcile.
I said that I was eventually willing to reconcile, but only if both of us apologised for our own behaviour without adding “but” or “if” afterwards (the apologies were supposed to happen tonight and the reconciliation after we both cooled down).
I can acknowledge that I raised my voice, retaliated by calling him stupid and keep emphasising that it was my car, and the wife comment (very rude of me, but it wasn’t the catalyst of the argument).

What I do not accept is that those things made me equally responsible for him threatening me and continuously striking me.

My brother apparently wanted us to have the reconciliation conversation that same evening. I did not think that was sensible, as one badly chosen sentence from either of us could have caused another confrontation.
M asked whether I wanted to press charges. I said no at the time because it could affect my brother’s job and reputation. He is also the only breadwinner in his household, so the consequences would affect his spouse and children.

I also suspect that he had a lot of bottled-up anger about other things and that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and said the wrong thing.

However, I made it clear that if he ever touches me like that again, I will report him and he will be going to jail.
M later said that my brother sounded apologetic and regretted what happened because he had never hit a woman before. However, his explanation apparently included that the “disrespect got to him,” which concerns me because it still sounds like a justification.

My brother has a history of saying, “I’m sorry, but…” and then explaining what the other person did to make him react that way.

Approximately an hour after he returned to his own house, my brother sent me an apology. He said that he did not mean to hurt me and that he hoped I could find it in myself for us to move on.
I have not responded because I do not currently have the energy.
He also contacted our father himself and told him that we had had a serious argument that became physical.

I had intended to keep this completely private. I did not want to say a word about it to anyone outside the people who were already present. However, my brother broke that dam by telling our father.
I do not know whether he told him because he felt guilty, because he wanted support or because he wanted to establish his version before I could tell mine. It may have been genuine remorse, damage control or some combination of both.

My father later contacted me to ask whether I was okay. I replied that I was fine, thanked him for checking on me and said that we could speak at a more convenient time because I needed to sleep and prepare for a work meeting.
I am now worried that my father may tell my estranged sister and other siblings (all of whom share the same father as me, and were conceived out of wedlock when my dad had already married my mom; my eldest was from a separate relationship before he met my mom). She may then tell members of our extended family, which could turn this into a much larger family issue that I never wanted.

Avoiding my brother completely is not realistic.
Although we work for the same organisation and our departments are based on the same floor, we are in separate departments, and he usually works from different buildings. Workplace contact may therefore be limited.
The family home is more complicated. He comes here regularly because of our mother and brings his children so that she can spend time with her grandchildren. I do not want to interfere with my mother seeing her grandchildren, and I am not asking anyone to prevent him from visiting. However, this means he will continue to be around me.
Before this happened, he had also asked to borrow my car for the weekend to travel to his spouse’s hometown because his own car is still broken down. I had plans, although those plans may now be cancelled, so he was supposed to use our mother’s car instead.
Even if my plans are cancelled, I am no longer comfortable allowing him to use my car. I am worried that withdrawing permission may become another argument, particularly because this entire incident began while he was driving my vehicle.
We will also not be carpooling for the time being.

I genuinely do not feel that I am in immediate danger, but I also do not want family pressure to make me move on before I have processed what happened.

What boundaries would be reasonable when he will continue visiting the family home?

How should I respond to his apology when he has a pattern of apologising and then adding “but”?

How should I handle the fact that he told our father and that this may now spread to the rest of my family?

Am I being unfair by distinguishing between taking responsibility for my hurtful words and accepting responsibility for him initiating the violence?

TL;DR: My 35 year old brother and I argued after I asked him to end an unnecessary road standoff while he was driving my car. When we arrived home, he threatened me and challenged me to get out. I got out and remained beside the passenger side. He came around from the driver’s side to where I was standing, slapped me first and then repeatedly hit and kicked me. He later apologised and told our father before I had decided whether to disclose what happened. He regularly visits our mother, had planned to borrow my car and will continue to be around me, so I need advice about boundaries, accountability and possible reconciliation.

So I (30F) and my husband (29M) have been together for about 2 1/2 year and married for 1 1/2 and we have one son together but I have 4 daughters from my previous marriage in which I was left a widow. I don’t come from the greatest background my family are a bunch of drama filled narcissists which in very well aware of and try to keep them at a distance. I love ny husband I really do and I definitely am not perfect and I do have some mental illness depression, ADHD, PTSD, anxiety and ASD level 1. I’m on medication and take it daily. My husband seems also has mental health issues but I’m not sure what. He’s turned into a very angry and mean person and he thinks everyone around him his beneath him. He treats our kids very well but the second he gets angry with me the kids hate me and they don’t love me and they don’t want to be with me because I’m a horrible mother and that’s the only reason he has stayed with me. Due to him controlling all the money I’ve told him before “hey I have like zero dollars for me and the baby to get some food” to which he blinks and leaves. When I said something to him about this he got mad and yelled at me cause he said he didn’t know I was being serious and that he would never forgive me for starving our son (he’s still breastfeeding by the way). We get into some pretty bad arguments where some times things get physical. I will admit I have popped him in the mouth a couple of times for calling me very vile names repeatedly over and over but he is very sure to make sure I regret that. He had choked me before but only twice. We recently moved to a new state where we have no family or friends and my older girls are staying with family because our son is still breastfeeding and little. There’s been a couple of really bad arguments where it’s gotten physical and je will just leave and not come home. One time he told me he went to a bar got drunk and got a hotel room for the night but he blocks my number while gone so I have no way of contacting him. I then find out another time he told me he got “lost” and literally didn’t go to work and slept in a field he had ubered to a bar and said he slept outside that night but he also blocked me which led to me thinking he’s been possibly cheating I haven’t made a big deal about it or anything I just have had those doubts. Well when I told him about this he then went off on me and told me that he had to leave because he was being abused and that it was for his safety and that what I was thinking is not based in reality and that I’m a psycho. When I told him it’s fine we can divorce he then tells me how he wants me to hurt like how the kids hurt and how I’ve ruined everyone’s life around me and how I should go drink bleach. I really want to get out but I’m scared he’ll take my son from me because I’ve become a SAHM and what if I really am just this crazy horrible person and don’t realize it.

A close friend of mine has been trapped in an abusive relationship for years. At first, he was cheating on her with another woman. Later, the violence began. She is financially better off than he is, yet she remains emotionally attached to him.

Lately, she has seemed more depressed, and I’m afraid she might do something drastic.

I’m looking for advice on how to help her.

I thought about buying a book—perhaps a psychological one—where a character goes through this kind of experience. Do you have any recommendations?

I keep suggesting therapy. I know my help is limited, but I want to do whatever I can to help her feel better.

I’ll be moving away soon, so we won't be physically close anymore, but I’ll certainly stay in frequent contact. I want her to have new perspectives, and that is primarily what I want to offer her.

My ex of 4 years, (we both women, Im 35 she is 31) had an affair with a workplace colleague (woman, 25) this year.. I found out from reading her confession on chat gpt. For months (Late January - end of March) she was gaslighting me and lying to me when I would ask if there was anybody else... she then became very manipulative at the end and push and pulling me.

I asked her to come and collect her stuff from our flat, I put all her things in bags outside our flat and gave her a pick up time. She picked up her stuff, and asked me twice via text if I was keeping the playstation (I brought her for Christmas) I ignored this, she has messaged me this today...

\\\*Hi i hope you’re ok. Just wanted to check with what’s going on with the flat? Not had any correspondence about a notice being handed in so assuming you are staying on? So I will need to take myself off the tenancy? Also, I need to collect the rest of my stuff and clothes as stuff is missing. You also didn’t reply to me about the PlayStation, you’d given me that as a gift? I need to drop your Indian clothes and speaker off too. So can we arrange for an exchange or something or if you still don’t want to see me then let me know a day you will be out for me to get my stuff and return the keys to you?\\\*

I have messaged the property management and asked them to remove her from the tenancy agreement from next month, I have already changed the lock barrel so she can't let herself in.

Can anyone please give me some advice on the best way to manage this, I want minimal contact with her. Every time I hear from her, my body starts shaking and my heart rate goes so high - its horrible, just want her out of my life now. Some of my friends are suggesting it maybe would be easier to let her back in one last time, but I don’t want her any where near me.

I can’t believe she is acting like this.. she not only cheated, lied and gaslit me for months, this was less than 2 years after she watched me go through the sudden death of my mum who was only 57, I had a cancer scare this year (whilst she was having the affair), and had to have a biopsy the day after I found out, she went to work, and I went to the hospital on my own. And she now because she decided to leave and go live with her parents and leave me and the cat she wanted, I maybe will have to move out myself.. she has disrupted my entire life and hurt me incredibly; and all she can focus on is this playstation and her saying things are missing.. which isn’t true. Since this affair came out, and even before she has treated me as if I am the bad guy and the one that cheated!? It’s crazy.

Thank you all so much, this is incredibly hard and I feel so alone right now and anxious about all of this.

I see a lot of posts on here asking if their relationship is abusive. The answer is always yes. I was married for 20 years to a wonderful man (well wonderful for the first 15). Things got rocky towards the end and we fought a lot and at that point it wasn’t healthy, but also wasn’t toxic. I can tell you a question that I never, and I mean NEVER asked myself was “is this relationship abusive.” If you have to ask, then yes it is. I know it’s hard for us to admit to ourselves, but I also think deep down we already know the answer.

*just venting, but insights are welcome*

my boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years now. at some point in the middle of the relationship, he started “micro-cheating.” texting other women commenting on other women’s post, those sorts of things. this went on continuously for months and months. he told me he would do better and change so I believed him, hoping things would get better.

fast forward to now, we both have major trust issues, lack of communication and doubts about our relationship. as the typical saying goes “when it’s good, it’s good, but when it’s bad.. it’s really bad.“ that’s the best way to describe our relationship.

we started out this morning fine. woke up, we were joking around and laughing with one another, but at some point, something he had said bothered me and didn’t sit right. it started bringing me back to all of the things he’s done to me, so I shut down for a minute and then decided to let my guard down and open up to him. I didn’t want to ruin the day with my overthinking.

i started to tell him how what he said hurt my feelings and brought me back to the past. I was saying how badly I wish I could forgot those things and move past them with him. he made a rude comment saying “why can’t you just leave the past alone?“ which, is understandable, but also he’s put me through absolute hell, so I feel like it does come up every now and then, but I was just needing reassurance in the moment.

this started a huge fight. I ended up getting a call from a friend and since we were both sitting in silence, I left the room and went to the living room. that’s when I heard him putting clothes and things into his suit case. I just kept on with my phone call, because if he wants to leave, why would I beg him to stay?

at some point, he came to the living room without saying a word and I figured I could go back to the room and lay down since it’s my day off to relax. the suitcase was on the bed and without looking at me, he came back and said, “don’t worry about it. I’ll move it when I’m done.“ that‘s when I snapped, because what even? I never said a word.

he brought all of his stuff to the living room and I was still in the room. he started saying that I don’t care about him, that I was talking shit on the phone about him (which is not true,) that I’m a stupid bitch, a whore, etc. all of the names. he then grabbed an Xbox controller that was close to him and slammed it in the ground. it shattered into pieces. which, disclaimer; the controller was mine and he deliberately breaks my personal items that he knows I love. he then stormed off into the living room, and I followed him. since his stuff was up front, I opened the door and started setting his things outside. this set him off even more and he began to shove me. he shoved me so hard that our walls now have holes in them. so, in defense, I began to shove him off of me. I pushed and fought so hard because he wouldn’t stop. at some point, I ripped his shirt off, and he began to grab his phone saying he was going to call 911. this scared me because the cops have already been out 3 times now due to our arguments and behavior.

after all this was done, he was blaming me for it. saying I started it, saying he never shoved me, saying he had proof for the cops because his shirt was ripped off.

guys, I’m at a loss for words. after all of this, I was standing in the living room crying. he kept saying “go to the room and cry about it some more bitch.“ repeatedly assaulting me with his words. after this incident, I did go back to our room and took a shower to try and calm down. i’m still in the room and he’s in the living room.

even though he’s hurt me tremendously, physically and mentally, I miss his hugs and touch. I miss how he is when he’s good to me. I know I’m capable of so much more, but can’t even bring myself to leave. it’s a draining cycle.

This is a relatively minor thing that’s just happened, especially compared to the bigger stuff but I’m still learning about abuse and all the ways they can do it since when you have been used to it for so long it’s just normal and you don’t see it as abnormal.

My son purchased me some oven gloves with his own money which I thought was really sweet since he just wanted to try make my life easier. I love them even more because they are from him, and I have been using them ever since. I use them correctly and kept them in a fantastic condition.

My partner started to use them the last month, and ever since they have got stains on and he uses them to touch food. I am finding I need to wash them daily, adding to my work load since I have to do all the housework alone and also I don’t want them ruined. I asked at least 5 times nicely and calmly for him to please not touch food with them. Tonight, yet again, just after taking them out the wash this morning I have noticed yet another stain on them after he just used them. I was upset but didn’t shout, just talked normally but this time I was very blunt and expressed my upset about it and told him there is yet another stain on them. He denied using them (I know he did and the stain matched the colour of the curry he had, no one else used them) so I just left it there and went to another room to do something else since he denied it anyway.

He followed me and asked why I am treating him like a huge inconvenience because it’s just an oven glove. I told him it’s adding to my workload and that they are a gift of my son so I don’t want them stained, so if he is going to insist on staining them then buy his own and he can do whatever he wants with them.
He got really mad and said I’m ruining HIS washing machine by using it to wash the gloves and other items and that’s his opinion just like I had mine. I said it’s a family washing machine and someone purposely ruining my gloves from my son isn’t the same as me using a washing machine to wash clothes - he was angry and maintained I’m treating him badly and I see him as a big inconvenience and he walked away as I was talking. Last time he wouldn’t talk to me for a whole month after an argument so it’s probably just going to be the same.

I feel like he gets upset at me being upset when he does something that upsets me and then if I get angry after asking time and time again then I’m the problem and just being nasty. Is this a form of abuse? I feel like I am losing my mind with him and not allowed to feel. Or is he just really bad at communication?

I know because he’s abusive, now everything he does is going to be abusive and I’m just trying to learn the difference.

My mother is the sole provider for my family, while my father is in charge of taking care of me and my two brothers. He only really takes care of my younger brother now. (Of course he’ll fix a broken sink or a car.) I am the only daughter in my family, so he doesn’t really know what to do with me most times.

My whole life I grew up in a household where my parents would have at least 2 full blown arguments a week, almost always caused by my dad. He also has an alcohol/nicotine problem. Beer cans could be found in any room in the house, and cigarettes would stink up our garage (now it’s just zyns and vapes.) He’ll get upset at the smallest things. I didn’t do my laundry quick enough? Well now he’ll throw it all over the floor In front of your family and make you pick it up to humiliate you. You’re crying, but you’re a boy? He’ll slam your head into your dinner plate then force you to face your family (even if you’re like six years old.) My mother forgot to get him an anniversary card even though she was celebrating her youngest son’s birthday? He’ll scream at you for an hour, insult you, then leave for a whole day. I’ve had more nightmares than I can count about him doing his typical routine, yell at me, my mom, my brothers, grab the back of my neck, push me, y’know the works basically. He’s never fully laid his hands on me (because I’m a girl), but still was very comfortable picking my older brother up by his neck and slamming him into a brick wall. I have a pretty common allergy to a certain type of food and he has forgot on multiple occasions, causing me to have horrible reactions (even though I’ve had this allergy for 2 years.) overall, he forgets his children’s personal lives, makes fun of my other family members, consistently screams at my mom for the smallest hint of disrespect, and has even abused our pets in the past. I figured out that I feel that happiest when I’m not home, but I feel pure dread the moment I walk through my front door.

My problem is that he has #1 never apologized for anything he’s ever done to any of us, #2 he always believes he is in the right, and #3 I feel guilty about this whole situation. He didn’t grow up with the best dad either, (divorced parents, dad who cheated on his mom, consistently put him and his siblings down.) When I was born, we moved across the country for my mother’s new job, which meant he had to leave his mother, sister, and friends behind. I thank him for making that sacrifice, but it doesn’t change everything I dealt with growing up. I feel bad because he doesn’t really have a social life, but at the same time he spends most of his time sitting on YouTube/ watching TV. I’ve tried having talks with him in the past and he says he’ll try/do better, but two months later and he’s back to his normal ways. If I’m being honest, all I want is him to fully acknowledge everything he’s done, acknowledge all of the hurt he’s inflicted on his family, an apology, and actual, consistent change. But I know I won’t get that so the only option left is to put distance. I don’t know if it’s the right decision though because I still want to spend time with my brothers and mother but he just makes it so difficult. I feel like I’m spinning in circles between choices and I’ve literally inflicted self harm on myself for like 3 years, quit sports, and considered (ending) myself multiple times over this. If anyone has any advice or suggestions to make this situation better it would be highly appreciated. If more, in-depth information is needed I can do that as well.

I haven’t posted here in a while, but I wanted to share an update and ask for some perspective.
I was in an extremely toxic, on-and-off relationship for a long time. I kept leaving and going back because I genuinely believed I couldn’t live without him.
Then everything changed.
I was detained by immigration and eventually deported back to my home country.
Btw, i was a foreign worker in Israel.
After about a week in detention, I was finally able to contact my ex. He was shocked that I had decided to accept deportation instead of fighting to stay.
Our relationship ended because of circumstances, not because I suddenly became strong enough to leave.
I was diagnosed with BPD, so I expected the separation to destroy me. Instead, once I was back home with my family and my son, thousands of miles away from him, the obsession slowly started to fade. For the first time in a long time, I wasn’t planning how to get back to him.
But the confusing part is that we’re still in contact. And i still can’t just block him because i feel guilty just by thinking of it.
He also told me he wanted me to watch him suffer, and he sent me a video saying he thought he might end up killing our cat that we adopted together because the cat constantly reminded him of me.
Part of me feels guilty, even though I know there’s nothing left for either of us to fix.
Now I’m questioning everything. Was this my BPD? Was I still trauma bonded from an abusive relationship? Am I really starting to let go because the relationship became physically impossible to continue?
I’m still confused. I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences or perspectives.

We are together for almost 2 years. When it comes to a physical abuse before today, all I can think of is a year back when she threw her phone near me - because I didn’t listen to what she was saying. Alongside yelling and screaming.

Today however, I have never seen her scream like this. It was ongoing for an hour seemed like. At some point, since I didn’t feed her frustrations and was calm the whole time - she took a pillow and started hitting me with it a couple of times. Later on she said she is going to off her self. She threw her phone and headphones near me again.

I do not know whether she is okay mentally, or is it the pregnancy?

I told her to calm down, that it’s not healthy for her and the baby, and that out neighbors are hearing everything. To which she responded that I only care about my image and what neighbors are going to say.

I told her via text that I am not going to accept this kind of abuse ever again. And that we can see each other again only when she apologizes to me. If she cannot control herself, it’s better to separate.

I really don’t want the child to grow up in this environment.

Is this normal for a pregnant woman (6th month)? Most of the time she is nice though.

I know this is going to be long and likely wont get advice, but if you stick to the end thank you.

In 2016 I met my ex now 31 male. We had our first child (male) together in 2017 in addition to my 2 previous children (males). Shortly after my youngest was born i began experiencing severe abuse via my ex. This continued for many years and in the end of 2018 convinced me to move out of state because my family was to over bearing and screwing with our relationship. I moved with him to southern IL in hopes this would help our relationship. Unfortunately it got worse. By 2019 he was off work due to a work related i jury and I was working full time about 45-1 hr away. In February of 2020 I came home to bathe my oldest son for school the next day. When I put him in the shower his ENTIRE backside (butt) was a deep red, purple, blue. I asked him what happened and he said my ex whooped him very hard. I took photos and then confronted my ex for the abuse. He stated "I whooped him to hard he hurt our son". He then picked up an extention cord and said, "beat me with it until youre content". To which I replied, "that will never be enough for what you've done. Im calling the police and im going back to my home state!!". He responded with, "you will go no where and you will not call the police, if you do i will kill your kids and then myself if I get any whiff of a cop in my driveway" he then took my phone. I had to quit my job so I couldnt get away long enough to report. So for the next 2 weeks I played house, "forgave him", and said it was going to be alright. After those 2 weeks he FINALLY was released back to work, believing everything was OK. He left at 530 am and by 7 on was on the road with my children and what clothes I could fit in the car. I got to my mother's and called my local station to make a report. The local cops showed up and basically told me, "you should have reported sooner, you should have protected your kids, we could charge you if you really want to press it." Needless to say a report was never made even with the photo. I eventually gave up because no one would listen to me. Fast forward to 2022 a false report was made that I had a m3th lab and my children were taken but the only found weed in my home. So in 2022 I begged and plead with IL to help me because this man could unalive our youngest son and the abuse my other two sustained. I was ignored with no calls back. I again gave up. Now fast forward again, to the end of 2025 My oldest child has been having years of mental health issues due to the trauma resulting in severe behavior issues. One day I decided to sit down and really get him to open up. "Son please talk to me.. why are you always upset and wanting to die? I know you've been hurt and its my fault too for not protecting you even if I was at work." He responded with, "momma, its not your fault he tried to kill me." I said, "son I know he hurt you and im not downplaying that at ALL, but isnt killing you a bit of an exaggeration?" He said, "no momma, he SERIOUSLY tried to kill me." Me: "ok son start from the beginning and tell me everything that haplened." At which point my son starts sobbing and says, "keegan got hit off the couch and I wouldn't eat honey mustard so he got really really mad and whooped me bad. Then he put us in the cold shower with diapers because we was crying. When i wouldn't be quiet he took the shower head and put it in my mouth until every th ing went black". I was stunned, I was angry, ranting rage almost, crying myself because what the hell is going on. I immediately start making calls again. Finally I get an answer for IL state police and they tell me battery of a child is a statute of 3 years, im to late, nothing they can do. Im livid. But what can I do. We continue with my oldest sons therapy and continue on with life. Fast forward to yesterday in a meeting with my lawyer(a retired judge) regarding a custody case/visitation with my youngest son and my ex. I tell him this story and he is appalled. He asked my if my middle son knew anything and I told him I dont think so hes never mentioned anything to me. However when I got home I asked him if he remembered anything. My middle son says, "yes momma he held my by my neck in the air against the fridge and I couldnt breath. All because I pushed keegan off the couch". Thats when it clicked. In 2025 when my oldest child told me the whole story through his sobbing, he was telling me both of their story but never specified his brothers story was blended in. I assume the trauma and upset cause the story to come out smashed together. Still, no one in IL will help us... not even to make a report. Meanwhile I have to send my youngest son with his dad for 6 weeks in the summer SEVENTEEN HOURS AWAAAAY for visitation (1100 miles). What do I do... how do I protect my son if no one will listen... what if next time he looses his cool and kills my baby.mm then it's to late... please someone help me... because im a mother fighting for literal life with no help except from a ky lawyer that no longer has judicial powers or pull.... please help im begging.

It hasn’t even been a full 24 hours since ive “officially” left him but based on the way things ended i cant imagine that it’s not done for good.

However, my problem now is i don’t feel safe anywhere. I don’t feel safe at home, i don’t feel safe at work, and i damn sure don’t feel safe in my car. No matter where i am or who im with im constantly looking over my shoulder or looking out my car windows terrified that he’s going to pop up. My stomach is in knots and i feel scared of anyone i pass just walking down the street. Even while doing nothing my body feels as if its on high alert at all times almost like the blood in my veins are racing around (ik that sounds so weird and crazy but im not sure how else to explain it).

I know healing takes time but i dont know how long i can walk around feeling like this, it’s exhausting. So if anyone knows of any coping mechanisms they used to help calm the anxiety even just a little, i would appreciate it so much💗

For the next month and a half I have to see my abusive ex during drop off and pick up. I get anxious before, sometimes it feels like the anticipation is ruining my day. I have a great DV therapist but wanted to poll you guys. Any tips to either get through the actual exchange, or prep for it! Totally fine if it’s random silly one too, I’ll take it.

I have a reason I can’t have other people do these for me.

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We had a bad day , like serious bad day yesterday . He told me he was just gonna spend the day with his son, I said cool and put my phone on silent and in my pocket. and I spent time with my family, with my sister kids , we took a family walk and stopped at a ice cream truck, it was literally the perfect summer evening. Then I decided to check my phone, 15x missed calls.

He was livid with me , my smile dropped , I felt the joy literally leave my body and my nephew noticed and he held on to me , hugging me saying Tete over and over which made me smile a bit. But when I finally got home , I cried and he called me again and we argued so bad and he said some stuff to me that I wont forget .

I ended up falling asleep after showering and I woke up to my bf drunk at my door , saying sorry and he brought me some of my favorite things. of course I melted and let him in... and now its almost 2am and he's in my bed , holding on to me tightly , snoring loud as ever. and I glanced at him, how can the same man that berates me and put his hands on me... be so gentle and loving also .

The thought hit me ... I dont think I'll ever leave, I don't think I know how. I know I need too, I really should

But the moments when he pull me in, when he tells me how much he needs me, when he starts planning our future together, when he does what a normal bf does, that sucks me in. Cause when its good , its so damn good and I feel a high from him , I cant get from drugs.

I never thought I'd find myself in a abusive relationship , but I seen my aunt , my sister, my mom, my grandma , majority of women in my family go through it. I guess it finally got me too, I just hope I wake up before its too late

*I'm just venting, don't need advice*