I (22 years old) am coming up on the first anniversary of my wife (22 years old) passing away from osteosarcoma. We were together for 4 years. I have been given so much in the last year. I have stable employment with career prospects, no debt (I’m Canadian), the means to do therapy once a week, supportive family and friends (they try, at least), and I’m incredibly close with my late wife’s family. It still doesn’t feel like enough. I only want her.

It all started in October of 2024. We were living together in Montreal, both in University. She had chest pain which was initially misdiagnosed as ‘walking pneumonia.’ She, as an osteosarcoma survivor and amputee, was skeptical, but she was officially ‘cured’ in 2022, so she went with it and took the antibiotics. After a little bit of that, we got an CT (or maybe an MRI?? IDK it’s such a blur to me now) and we were told the cancer was back. We then moved from Montreal back to Toronto. She started treatment, but we knew the odds were against us. If treatment was successful, the surgery would remove her entire left lung along with the lining, parts of her chest wall, part of her diaphragm and the lining of her heart.

Then in March, her cough got a lot worse, and we got the news that the cancer had grown while she was still doing treatment. We were told any surgery was off the table, but they had a hail mary treatment (the same type of chemo that ‘cured’ her the first time) to extend her life for a few months. Thinking that the end was near, we eloped in our favourite park. It was so beautiful. A few weeks after that, we were told that this ‘hail mary’ treatment had worked better than we could have ever hoped, and suddenly surgery was back on the table. We scheduled the surgery for May 15th, 2 days after her 22nd birthday. In the meantime, we had a ceremony and killer ‘wedding disco’ with all of our family and friends. Again, it was beautiful.

Then on May 12th, I took her to the hospital with an excruciating headache (she said it felt like someone lit her brain on fire). After hours waiting, and finally getting an X-ray, her digital chart updated, and we realized it had spread to her brain. It feels so stupid now, but up until this point, I believed she would live. The realization she wouldn’t make it broke me. I stayed with her for two weeks in palliative care, until they released her. She was supposed to die in those 2 weeks. Then followed the worst experiences I have ever had (it obviously pales in comparison to hers).

I was her primary caregiver for all of her treatment up to that point, but I did it with her support. In truth, she supported me as much as I supported her. But after everything that had happened, or was still happening, I was falling apart at the seams. She started to become unrecognizable, she was having seizures, losing her intelligence, her ability to walk, to write, to draw, to remember, to support. She was always so much smarter than me (she was our class valedictorian, was on the deans list and had received a huge academic scholarship from UofT), so it was particularly hard to see her that way. I became deeply depressed and less able to do it all myself, so we moved into her parents' house. I also had to become her parent more than her partner. Long story short, after months of worsening mental and physical symptoms, unimaginable trauma, and for some reason getting a puppy (he has really gotten me through since) I got up one morning and she was unresponsive. Her breathing sounded so painful, laboured and loud. I can still hear it now. I called a family meeting, and told them that as her legal decision maker, I would be requesting the doctors stop giving her the steroids that were keeping her alive. I was ready to do it without their support, but luckily they agreed. We took her back to palliative care, and she died early the next morning, on August 12th 2025 at 3:36AM.

The next few months were a blur. I regularly fantasized about going with her. The only thing that kept me here was the promise I made to her. She made me promise that her death wouldn’t mean mine. And as they say, “get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’.”

Despite my deep depression and grief I decided to go on living. I started doing therapy twice a week, and started a job working for her moms company. I’ve gone on vacations, moved out of my parents place, in January I started to see someone casually (I ended the relationship in June), and got promoted; but I still feel empty. This isn’t to say I’m not grateful for the support and opportunities I’ve been given, and have earned, but none of it feels as meaningful as I want it too. I know it’s because a part of me died with her. Nothing will revive that part, but I guess I’m waiting for a new part of me to emerge. It’s hard carrying on, as I’m sure you all know.

This summer has been particularly difficult for me. We’re now approaching the one year anniversary of her death, and I feel like the pain from those first few months has come rushing back. I’ve started smoking weed every night, and started smoking cigarettes again. I don’t know if I have any questions for you folks, but I guess I’m looking to share my story with people who would understand. I read so many of your stories, and sometimes it feels like the people here are the only ones who understand. Becoming a widower at 21 years old (now 22) has largely isolated me from the experiences of my friends and family. I feel old. I feel I’ve had my youth stolen from me. I’ll be turning 23 at the end of August, which will make me officially older than she ever got to be. I know that I’m young and have a whole life ahead of me, but it’s not the life that I want. I think I’m living for myself, a lot of the time, but a lot of the time the only reason I keep going is because of the promise I made. I owe her more than I could ever repay, so I have to keep that promise.

That being said, I’m tired of fighting just to be okay. I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of being lonely. I’m tired of people who don’t understand. I’m just tired.

I miss my wife. I want to hold her one more time. I want to tell her about my day, and I want to hear about hers. I want to play her a song and let her fall asleep on my shoulder. I want to make her Gluten Free Annie’s White Cheddar, with not enough milk (she insisted that lumps of dry powdered cheese was the best part) and watch her smile from ear to ear. I want her to tell me it’s going to be alright. She’s the only one I would believe.

I read something here today that inspired this post: “From my rotting body flowers shall grow. And I am in them, and that is eternity.”

I want to be that flower and I know I will be. I’m just tired of waiting for the clouds to part.

My marriage did not end my husband died. I'm still his wife and he's still my husband, I did not choose this. He's still mine. I was horrified. I know im being stupid.

Does anyone else not accept the loss, like the brain..not working? can't think about the fact that they will never really be here again. I read the posts here, it's been almost 2 months, my beloved dreams of me every day, but when I don't eat anything or eat little, the brain doesn't think, there are no tears. I feel a lick of emptiness and imagine scenarios where I save her

I just miss my wife Brittany, every moment of everyday. She would be so proud of me with my new job, all i want to do is tell her about my day & hug her again. I love & miss you baby I hope you can see this in heaven

Its hard to choose my favorite photos of him. He thought he was hideous and I want to share my handsome man with those who understand. His funeral is Thursday and I’m not ready. We had a very complicated marriage but he was truly my best friend. I miss him dearly and feel no one in my life understands what I am experiencing. It doesn’t feel real. We lived together for 4 years, married for 1 and a half. I miss living life with him.

The loneliness is so real. Two years have passed, and nothing seems to have filled the void. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my late partner. I've done everything—focused on work, focused on building other relationships, focused on personal goals. Nothing really helps to fill the emptiness of what has been lost: the love and connection with a long-term partner, a person so bright and ambitious who enriched my life. The companionship, the loyalty, and the confidence that I got from them. It is all lost, and while I know to be grateful that I experienced something so beautiful, I am also struggling to understand how I can move forward. Is this going to become a more distant memory as time goes by? Is this something that only time will tell? I don't know who to talk to about these feelings, and I can only vent here in this group of like-minded widows and widowers. I really want to hear what everyone's experience has been like dealing with this loneliness. Does it ever go away?

I know it's been raised many times before and I'm probably just typing to try and get my own thoughts in order.

Together 35 years. Married 25. She was my life, and I was hers. We had the best, amazing life anyone could ask for together. Absolutely no regrets. Incredible.

Paula passed at the end of 2024. Cancer, after a year of fighting. 2025 was subsequently the worst year of my life, so much heartache, so much pain. Suicide, alcoholism, depression, all beckoned. I eventually fought my way out of it and looked around to see what would happen next. Heading into mid 2026, I figured this was it, I'm 59 in a few months... I'll never know love or comfort again.

And then I met a woman. Very, very cautious at first. Still am to be honest. She is very eager to move quickly, I am not. I am worried my guilt will ruin the relationship. She understands what I've been through and is incredibly accommodating. She understands I still need to talk about my past life sometimes (I try really hard to limit it) and has been gentle, kind and understanding. I appreciate at some point she will expect me to be looking forwards and not backwards.

How do you deal with this?

my boyfriend died two months ago on saturday and as time goes on i feel like my feelings just keep getting more convoluted. throughout the past two months i have tried to be there for my friends and my sister because they’re all going through a hard time in their own ways. however, recently ive expressed that I don’t feel supported by them in return (which ive mentioned off handedly a few times before) and their responses just made me feel worse. my best friend in the entire world cried to me when i expressed my feelings saying that “she can’t do anything right” and i ended up comforting her. my sisters response was “everyone is going through things, it’s not a competition” when i expressed I was a little surprised that she wasn’t showing up for me in the way i thought. maybe that’s my issue. I had expectations on how they’d support me based off of the type of relationship we have. I’m not sure what to do at this point because i’ve expressed what i needed but the disappointment and bitterness is still there.

anyone go through this? does anyone have advice?

My wife has been gone a little more than three months now ... but it feels like she's been gone forever and I don't know why. And I HATE it.

I remember a week or two after her celebration of life service (which was two weeks after she died), I thought to myself, "Wow, it feels like she's been gone a long time" and it made me feel extremely uneasy ... and then sad. I asked our 10-year-old if they also felt she had been gone a while, and they also said yes.

She had cancer and things started to take a drastic turn the final month. Although she was progressively getting the last few months, she was still in the house functioning until two or three weeks before her death. So, it wasn't a case of a long illness where we were separated physically or even emotionally and couldn't participate in our family life -- she was still active, alert, etc.

But I'm even having trouble (at the moment) remembering a lot of things that we did or experienced within the marriage, and last week would've made 13 years married, 4 years dating and so much went on during that time. (My mind has also been on a non-stop loop since her death focusing on our early dating years and the complexity of that time, even more so than the marriage and her passing, etc. but that's for another thread and sessions with my therapist.)

Has anyone lost their spouse a relatively short time ago but it feels like forever in the worst possible way?

If so, how have you handled it and have you found any success dealing with it?

I’m feeling severely depressed this week. I wouldn’t get out of bed but I have 4 young kids so I don’t have the luxury of doing that. It’s been hard to function above the absolute bare minimum.

I feel so out of place in my own life. We had a home, a family and a plan. Now, I just feel uprooted and out of place all of the time. Nothing feels right about my life. I just want to feel grounded again. I hate this feeling so much.

It also doesn’t help that I found someone who made me happy and we can’t be together because of him having to move for work. I feel like life keeps taking my choices away from me and I’m just left to deal with decisions I didn’t even make.

I’m so tired and lost. I know people say it’ll get better but I’m just not sure it will anymore.

It's been almost a year since I lost my husband. I'm terrified I'll forget him.

In a few days, it will be one year since I lost my husband. He was only 28 years old. He died suddenly from an anaphylactic shock, and it was so unexpected and traumatic that it still doesn't feel real.

He was the most beautiful husband I could have ever asked for. Kind, loving, funny my person. I still can't believe he's gone.

Somehow, I've kept going for my family. From the outside, I probably look like I'm surviving. But inside, I often feel like I don't want to keep living. The only thing that stops me is knowing I could never put my mother through the pain of losing me too.

What scares me the most lately isn't just the grief it's the thought that, as time passes, I'll start forgetting him. I'm afraid I'll forget the sound of his voice, the way he laughed, the little things he used to say, his expressions, his mannerisms, the way he moved through the world. I don't want to lose those pieces of him.

When I think about the fact that I may have decades of life ahead of me, it feels overwhelming. How do people carry this kind of loss for so many years?

For those of you who have lost a spouse or someone you loved deeply and are years further down the road: What has grief been like for you? Do the memories stay with you, or do they slowly fade? Do you ever stop being afraid of forgetting them?

I would really appreciate hearing from people who have lived through this. Right now, I just need to know what life looks like after the first year.

My fiance's phone was retrieved from the police station from his dad. His dad messaged me asking if I know his password and also states he doesn't know what to do with it.

Firstly I'm worried about him going through the phone because some of our last texts are me being furious with him and I said some pretty hurtful things.... Basically what happened was that he was very drunk that day and I caught him messaging his ex in what could have been taken in an in appropriate way, I absolutely lost it on him. He died very suddenly so I had no idea this was going to be some of our last messages so I feel bad about it, now I'm worried if his dad goes through the messages without starting from the beginning he's going to see me in a totally different way because of how mad I was with him.

I also wondering if it sounds like he wants me to have the phone ? I would like to see some pictures on it of us so I wouldn't mind having it I just don't want to be pushy because I know his dad is going through a very hard time loosing his only child.

I shut down last evening.
I can’t talk and just want to be left alone since then.
I’m on vacation with my sister and dad, and nothing truly happened to explain my shitty mood.
I should even feel “happy” (though it’s a big word) since im away from my daily life and problems, but I feel unbearable.
Any idea why or how to get out of this phase?
I know it’s been only 3 months, but still, this hasn’t happened before (or I don’t remember - my head has been so clouded lately…).
Thank you for your help 🫂

Anyone else feel this way? The constant exhaustion is exhausting.

Coming up to nineteen months since my wife was stolen by cancer and I still struggle to know what to say when people ask how I'm doing.

I know they don't really want to know but I also don't want to lie and say I'm doing ok so it's normally something along the lines of "yeah I'm doing" or I simply evade the question.

What's your stock reply?

I really hate to think about this part, there’s the future that died with her, The retirement plans, the trips you talked about, growing old together. You grieve not only about your partner but the life you were supposed to build.

Dating again, if and when you’re ready feels terrifying and disloyal.

What sort of life is this…..

I lost my wife on July 7th after an incredibly hard battle with leukemia in which she got from the chemo she got right breast cancer. She was only 40.

We had been together since 2001. She wasn’t just my wife—she was my best friend, my person, and the center of our family. We have two daughters, and right now I’m trying to figure out how to carry them through this while barely understanding how to carry myself.

Some moments I feel almost normal, and then grief comes crashing down so hard that I can barely breathe. I miss reaching for her, talking to her, hearing her voice, and simply knowing she was there. Our home feels completely different without her.

The people around me care, but I don’t think anyone who hasn’t lost their partner can fully understand how disorienting this is. It feels like the life I knew ended with hers, while the rest of the world somehow keeps moving.

I hate that any of us belong here, but I’m grateful there is a place where I don’t have to explain why I’m so broken. I’m hoping to hear from people who understand and, eventually, to believe that life can hold happiness again without ever leaving her behind.

That's it. I can't sleep. My body is betraying me. My mind is quicksand. And the tears! Almost one year since the life I lived ended. I'm doing all the "things to do when you're grieving" stuff. Or as much as I can. But if I'm completely honest - I HATE THIS.

I feel guilty for not being able to "get back to my old self" but it is literally impossible. I'm tired of reinventing myself just to make a particular situation more comfortable for my recipient.

Almost 2 months out, and for whatever reason things like this started popping in my head yesterday, and I know I’m not better off without her in any kind of way.

It’ll be a month in 5 days. This is the longest we’ve been apart since May 5, 2018.

I’ve been on autopilot since his death. I do the bare minimum to meet our son’s and my needs. I make sure he’s fed, clothed, and feels loved. I remind him it’s okay to feel sad and it’s normal to miss dad. I do the best that I can but really I feel so guilty. I feel guilty that it all still feels pointless despite having him.

I’m not the fun parent, I never have been. That part was always what he was best at. I know our son notices too…in those moments where I’m really trying but he falls silent and then says he misses dad. It tears me to shreds because I miss him too. I also wish he were here.

I can’t eat or sleep well. I am constantly exhausted and what little energy I can muster up, is drained by the bottomless pit of sadness and longing. I used to avoid the thought of death because it scared me. Now it’s comforting because that means I’ll see him again.

He loved to love and he loved to be loved. Even in the smallest ways, he made sure we felt loved. He and our son would make trips to our local Walmart every Tuesday right at 6 AM to hunt for Needohs and Pokémon cards. The day before he passed, as I got ready for work, I hated the way my hair style looked with the only clear elastics I had on hand. With no hesitation, he rushed to Walmart to grab me brown elastics and a Red Bull because he knew I would be running late. After a rough day at work, I came home to homemade copycat LEGOLAND apple fries. He knew I love those and did what he could to make it better. That’s what he always did. He would’ve done anything for the people he loved to be happy.

Now here we are, alone. We don’t have dad to make things better. I don’t have the person who played such a crucial part in my life. I don’t really know where to go from here, I don’t really want to go anywhere without him.

Sorry for rambling or if this didn’t make sense. I just had to get some of this off my chest….although it didn’t help much. Thank you to whoever read this and sorry you’re here too.