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Half of a Whole

I used to walk this world in twos,

Two shadows stretching in our shoes,

Two laughs that echoed down the hall,

Two voices answering every call.

We shared a face, a crooked grin,

The same wild storm beneath our skin,

A secret language, soft and fast—

A promise that our bond would last.

But promises can’t fight a ghost,

And drugs can steal the ones we love the most.

One phone call split the sky in two—

Now half the world is missing you.

They said “overdose” like just a word,

Like thunder distant, barely heard.

But I felt lightning crack my chest,

And grief moved in and built a nest.

Because you weren’t just family, you were me,

My mirror, my symmetry.

The one who knew my silent pain,

The one who danced inside my brain.

Now mornings come and feel half-made,

Like someone stole the sun and shade.

I stare at mirrors, lost and thin—

Not sure which half of me is mine within.

Who am I without your voice?

Without our jokes, our reckless choice?

Without your hand to guide my way

When life got hard and skies went gray?

My life’s a room with pieces thrown,

A house that doesn’t feel like home.

Bills and worries crowd the floor,

Dreams we once had—shut in a drawer.

I need to fix it, build it right,

But grief has stolen all my sight.

The map we drew is torn apart…

You took the compass from my heart.

Some nights I whisper to the air,

As if your spirit’s lingering there.

“Tell me, sis, where do I start?

How do I live with half a heart?”

And in the quiet, soft but clear,

I swear your laughter still appears.

Not loud, not bright, not like before—

But just enough to crack the door.

Maybe I’m not meant to be

The girl I was when you were with me.

Maybe this broken, shaking start

Is how I build a braver heart.

Maybe the road is mine to see,

Not half of you—but all of me.

And though the ache will never end,

Your love is stitched beneath my skin.

So I’ll pick up one small piece today,

Just one lost shard along the way.

A step, a breath, a fragile start—

With you still living in my heart.

Because twins like us don’t break apart,

Even death can’t split that art.

You’re gone from sight, but not from me…

I’m still your half.

You’re still my symmetry. 

I've gone through severe traumatizing events in a short period of time. I have been in bed for 8 months so far. No friends, unemployed, no gym/sport. Throughout that period, I've seen 3 therapists. None of them was good.

I'm still in bed, feeling stuck and in denial of those traumatizing events.

Any practical advice?

by Patrick Teahan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3I2FlWlZWsc

In this video we dive into the complex and often painful dynamic between toxic mothers and their daughters, and how those early experiences shape self-worth, boundaries, and adult relationships.

We'll explore the emotional inheritance that comes from being raised by a mother who was critical, controlling, or emotionally unavailable, and how to break those cycles without carrying lifelong guilt. Through real-world examples, you’ll learn how to separate your true self from the role you were forced to play and begin to build the safety you never had.

Topics include:

How toxic maternal behavior impacts identity and attachment

The “good daughter” role and its long-term emotional cost

Why guilt and shame are often mistaken for love

Practical tools for boundaries, reparenting, and inner-child healing

Reclaiming connection, confidence, and emotional freedom

Whether you grew up being the caretaker, the scapegoat, or the invisible one, this conversation will help you see your story through a new lens — one that leads toward healing, clarity, and self-compassion.

Hiii guys I wanted to ask people who have cptsd/severe trauma what your experience with EMDR therapy was like if you have done it because I'm going to start it soon and I have cptsd I'm most curious about things like if it kinda decluttered your brain if it helped you with finding yourself and building a more stable identity if it helped your energy levels and motivation a lot of it helped you to find your passions and actually enjoy life on a scale from 1-10 with each one if you want (sorry English is not my first language and I have dysgraphia

I been doing trauma therapy for a year or so. We've made a lot of progress. I had. very difficult childhood with abuse coming from parent, grandparents and a brother. It was both physical and emotional from a narcissistic brother and mother. I've made lots of progress with a very good therapist. The other days she told me that while none of the abuse was my fault, now it is up to me to learn to cope with it. I'm struggling with that so much. I get it, but now I'm left to do cleanup. I'm stuck badly on this take. Does anyone have any advice for handling this and continuing to keep moving towards acceptance and a better life.

I'm 29, and about two months ago I had what I can only describe as a complete burnout. I couldn't work, could barely function, and it felt different than anything I'd ever experienced before. I've always been the type to push myself way too hard, so at first I assumed that's all it was. But when I didn’t bounce back after a few days and my depression amped up big time, things were starting to get scary and I knew I needed help.

I finally got an appointment with a psychiatrist and I honestly felt like I was begging her to help me. After talking with her for an hour and a half, she gently pointed out that a lot of what I was describing sounded like significant childhood trauma. She also told me that having your own child can bring old trauma to the surface because, in a way, you're reliving your own childhood as your child grows through those same ages…I have a 3 year old.

She recommended trauma therapy.

So...here I am. Three sessions in, we're in the beginning stages of EMDR, and honestly...I'm loving therapy way more than I ever expected. (Not loving the CPTSD part, obviously) I've always been fascinated by psychology, so learning how my own brain works has been weirdly exciting. The thing I'm struggling with is my childhood memories.

For as long as I can remember, I've always said, "I feel like I don't remember a lot of my childhood." But I also would've told you I had a pretty normal and even good childhood. Now, I'm processing things with my adult brain and feel like it was a bit more messed up than I made myself believe.

I feel like I have huge memory gaps within my childhood years. The memories I do have feel mostly typical or random, and I usually can't even tell how old I was, just a general guess unless I have a date or something to go off of. They get more clear and consistent from about high school and on.

I do have a couple of traumatic memories involving my dad, but they almost feel...unfinished? Like they don't fully explain why I react to things the way I do or why I've struggled so much with anxiety, depression, shame, people-pleasing, and always feeling like something is wrong with me.

Lately I've been having random memories pop into my head out of nowhere. I'll make little connections between things I never connected before. And sometimes it feels like there's something sitting just beneath the surface that I can't quite get to. This has been really bothering me.

Part of it is because I've spent my whole life feeling like I was just "weird." Finding out that trauma might explain so much has honestly been life-changing. But I also struggle a lot with imposter syndrome. I constantly minimize what happened to me and think, "It wasn't that bad," even though the people around me, including my psychiatrist and therapist, have said otherwise.

I guess I’m just looking for others who may have had similar experiences or feelings in the beginning of their healing journey. Did memories continue to come back over time? Did anyone else feel like there was something just out of reach? Did you ever find the "missing piece," or did healing become more about understanding and processing the impact rather than uncovering more memories?

I'd love to hear from people who are farther along in their healing journey.

I’ve know for my entire adult life things happened. Like it makes sense. It’s obvious. But also my memories are so fragmented. Sometimes I wonder if I’m making it up. I don’t want to say it was repressed, but when I was a kid I knew it was “off” but didn’t know what exactly was wrong. I suddenly “remembered” when I was 18 but it was in relation to a situation where I had responded so weirdly and I could not figure out why—then I knew. Anyway, I was thinking about something completely unrelated last weekend and I suddenly realized something very difficult. There Is this fight within me every time I almost fully believe it.. then this other part over and says, “NOPE! You are just making this all up.” Does anyone else deal with this? Any ideas on how to get past this to some sanity. Makes me crazy!

Hello everyone...

I have a friend who is looking for a therapist and a psychiatrist, mainly a psychiatrist who is trauma informed and specialises in trauma care.

And in a certain budget. Open to both offline and online consultation.

If you know any one then kindly refer. And if you are one yourself then kindly contact me with your details and per session charges.

When I was young, I suffered from an attachment trauma which created strong dissociation, particularly numbness and anhedonia. It seems to be on the severe end, where I can barely feel emotions, and it has severely affected my life, particularly in romantic and social relationships, but in other areas as well. I've been given various informal and formal diagnoses by mental health practitioners: major depressive disorder, CPTSD, and anhedonia.

One of the treatments that sticks out to me as theoretically relevant for treating my type of trauma is somatic experiencing…but I've tried it with 2 different practitioners a total of about 5 times (cost: $750) and it seemed useless for me. I don't know if I should just accept it as "not for me", or if I need to keep looking for the right practitioner. One of the problems is that it seems totally repetitive. The practitioner keeps asking "what do you feel in your body now?" to which my answer is almost exactly the same every single time, "nothing" or "the same tightness where my emotions are stuck". And I end the session lamenting that I paid $150 for this repetitive and unproductive conversation. I am trying to treat emotional numbness caused from trauma, which might be the reason why my sessions are like this. Maybe for others, who experience emotions fluidly, there is more variance to what they are feeling in their bodies and there is more to work off of. I don't know. But somatic experiencing sessions cost a minimum of $150, and I don't know if I can really afford to continue experimenting with something which might not be for me in the first place or that I'm impervious to because of my condition. Even if there is someone out there "for me", how many thousands will I spend trying to find that person?

I'm looking for ideas about how to proceed from this community, experienced practitioners or others who are familiar with this world through their own experiences. Should I keep looking, and how, or is it not for me? Is there any other type of modality I should look for, especially for the "mental processing" of trauma? I'll add more context about what I've experienced if it helps answer the question:

I believe my emotions turned off one summer when I was young, and likely one particularly painful moment which I remember as the first time I didn't have a strong emotional reaction when I should've. Talking or thinking about these events doesn't evoke any anxiety or nightmares at all.

There is the feeling of my emotions being physically unable to "flow" up and out of my body, like they're trapped in my muscles. It seems that they are extremely and deeply "stuck", and that they'd be extremely painful if released, emotionally and physically.

The only things that have helped and given hope have been lots of iyengar yoga and myofascial release therapy. Over time they've increased my awareness of where all my emotional energy is stuck or held within my body, which has given me an intuitive sense that I'm closer and closer to a "release" of painful feelings. Years back when I first became aware of this physical feeling of stuckness, it was a vague sensation in my throat and chest. More recently, I feel the sensation increasing throughout my torso, and awareness that the "main location" of stuckness is likely somewhere deep in in my pelvis/lower psoas muscles.

I'm going to keep trying the myofascial therapy, but the progress is too slow and I'm getting older, and I think I might need more than the body/physical release. One of the things I've learned about trauma is that mental processing is important and you don't want to force stuck/repressed feelings out. I just don't know what there is left to process, nor how to do it. I have tried A LOT. When it comes to gaining clarity or insight about myself or what might've led to the complex/attachment trauma, it feels like I hit a wall a long time ago, and I don't know where to go from here.

Here's a list of many other things I've tried from at least a few times up to hundreds of times, and most had no-to-little effect: conventional talk/med therapy, EMDR (it has been very difficult finding a reliable provider and I'm still looking), somatic experiencing, rolfing/structural integration, Meditation, Reiki therapy, Hypnosis, Acupuncture, Tapping, Craniosacral therapy, The Emotion Code, Rolfing/ Structural Integration, Holotropic Breathwork, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy (not sure if done correctly), Trauma Release Exercises, Bioenergetics, Ayahuasca Ceremony, MDMA treatment under MAPS protocol, TMS, Polyvagal theory

Thanks if you read this far.