An open letter regarding my time on the St. louis Park High School swim team (late 1980s)
To the person who coached my original high school swimming team in the 1980s, I have a message: I still have nightmares about you. I had one last night, in fact.
Which brings us to this message today. I've spent the day wondering if it's wise or even needful to speak up after all this time. But what you did was unfair. Carrying the shame and burden alone has been unfair as well. I relive it every time I have that dream. So, I'm sharing it at long last.
You mentally and emotionally bullied me. You took a deeply depressed adolescent and made everything so, so much worse.
You repeatedly told me, verbatim, that I was a disappointment and berated me for my lack of leadership skills and qualities.
I was in 9th and 10th grades in those years. I was neither the coach nor a captain. I was an introvert trying extremely hard to focus on swimming fast and excelling at school. To this day, people can do a lot worse than to follow such an example.
But you? As someone in the actual leadership position of coach, what kind of example did you set for others to emulate?
You repeatedly singled me out, kept me after practice at times, even cornered me in the gym to tell me what a terrible and disappointing teammate I was. You detained me in front of a witness, the assistant coach, only once. And they just stood there, said nothing, and listened like what you were saying and doing was ok. Useless and worthless, just like you.
Far more inappropriately, you isolated me - I was utterly alone - in an intramural locker room at the state high school championships in 1987 just to deliver more of your bullying and harassment.
How powerless I was. How undeserving I was of that treatment. Every. Single. Time.
There is absolutely no defense for what you did. Zero.
Forty years later and you still live rent free in my nightmares.
In them, like always, I am in the pool, and you are on deck. You won't allow me to leave without a face-to-face demeaning confrontation. So, I stay stuck in the pool, knowing very well what will happen if I get out. Eventually, I go underwater so I don't have to hear you anymore. I stay underwater so long I learn how to breathe and exist there. I'm all alone down there, surrounded by sadness and devastation with just the sound of water gurgling in my ears.
When I wake up, I am always angry, and so, so sad. Just like last night.
My relationship with swimming was already complex, but you made it absolutely miserable and led me to feel even more horrible about myself.
Heaven alone knows how many others you've shamed, bullied, and made suffer as well. In fact I've already heard that you did.
I am a swimming coach now. I would never, ever consider saying or doing such things or behaving in such a way. I don't know about back then, but it is now required that swim coaches take course after educational course, annually, on bullying prevention with warnings about the potential for abuse of power. Every time I take those courses I think of you and how you were everything they warned against and the very antithesis of what they teach and require.
Forgetting you, your abuse, and your bullying is beyond me. Forgiving is not in my wheelhouse either at this point. Someday I hope to let go of it, but it won't be today or any day after the nightmare about you revisits.
P.S. As a side note, that as a fifteen-year-old, I was the one to educate you about the fact that the lead swimmer on a relay gets an official time was an enormous red flag about your lack of knowledge on the sport and your appallingly poor qualifications for that job.
Ok, now I'm done.
Note: If you were on the SLPHS team during this era and remember these events, or had similar experiences, please feel free to reach out to me directly via private message. You are not alone!