It's making me want to cry 😅

https://www.refreshpsychiatry.com/post/quiet-bpd

https://nexumhc.com/what-is-quiet-borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/

https://www.aliyahealthgroup.com/understanding-quiet-bpd-signs-treatment-and-recovery/

Please open this post for my question

Click here to participate

This is very scary to write because my mother had severe BPD and was incredibly manipulative and abusive: emotionally, financially, in every way. I wrote a memoir about it, and it’s almost too crazy to be believable. Of course, I know a lot of us here either contend with BPD ourselves or have family members with BPD, so I imagine many of you will relate to parts of this.

In my twenties, I jumped from relationship to relationship trying to escape from my mother, and in many ways I acted out similar patterns to her. Definitely not to the same degree, but in more subtle and subversive ways.

I later had a counsellor who told me she believed I had quiet BPD. Her reasoning was that I maintain close friendships, function well with colleagues, have moved countries on my own, educated myself around the world, and generally appear highly functioning. No one would ever think I have BPD. I present as functioning, at least.

For the past ten years that I’ve been single, the worst of my symptoms seemed to be social anxiety at times and a tendency to retreat into hermit mode.

Sometimes I would withdraw from everyone for long periods, while at other times I would be very social, engaging, and outgoing. Most people simply assumed I was an introvert who occasionally needed to recharge.

I’ve also struggled with concentration and focus, which has worsened as I’ve gotten older. I assumed I was developing ADHD. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD because of everything my mother put me through until I was 23, when I moved overseas to escape the situation.

Since then, I’ve done extensive healing work. I’ve worked with psychologists, explored spiritual healing, studied yoga, and even undergone psychedelic therapy. At times, I genuinely thought I had healed everything.

However, I’ve recently entered a romantic relationship, and all of the classic BPD symptoms seem to be surfacing. Intense fear of abandonment. Fear of rejection. Feeling completely unworthy and fundamentally flawed. What’s strange is that this man initially told me he felt unworthy of me, yet only a month into the relationship I find myself feeling exactly that way about myself.

I have emotions and reactions coming up that, if I lacked self-awareness, would probably make my partner feel like he’s walking on eggshells. I’m trying incredibly hard to regulate myself and not act impulsively, but internally it can feel like a volcano ready to erupt.

Interestingly, the same counsellor who suggested quiet BPD also said that based on how quickly things progressed with this man and some of the things I’ve described about him, she wonders whether he could have BPD as well.

He comes from a deeply traumatic background. He had an abusive and emotionally unavailable father, and a mother who wasn’t emotionally present during very difficult circumstances. Overall, though, I feel he is healthier than I am.

That said, he does have a bad temper that I’ve seen displayed with other people who agitate him (though he is french so I was told part of this is cultural, for example rolling down the window and yelling at someone who cut him off, or getting into a shouting match with a neighbour who was rude and told him not to barbecue on his balcony.)

When he feels hurt or triggered, particularly around fears of abandonment, I notice certain behaviours. For example, recently when he felt I took too long to respond to a message, he deleted them and became emotionally cold. It happened once. We spoke about this, and he explained that he sometimes worries I might be with another man or cheating on him. His ex-wife cheated on him, and he’s had multiple experiences of infidelity in previous relationships, so I understand where the trigger comes from. Previously when I didn’t message him before bed I woke up to a message saying he felt I was pulling back, and that it’s okay because things have been intense, and basically going into this whole story when in actual fact I just went to sleep.

From the beginning, he was incredibly loving, caring, affectionate, attentive, and emotionally available. He still is. However, I’ve noticed that if he feels he isn’t receiving enough reassurance, he can become activated. For example, even if he hasn’t responded to me for ten hours during the day, once he does respond in the evening, he expects some form of reply before I go to sleep. If I don’t respond, he can become anxious and assume I may be out with someone else.

This has made me wonder whether there may be some BPD traits there, although I’m not used to recognising BPD in men and I know it can present differently.

We also have an additional challenge in that he’s French and I’m English-speaking. Neither of us speaks the other’s language fluently. I’m learning French, and we literally use ChatGPT to translate most of our communication.

Oddly enough, I think this has actually helped the relationship. Because I have to stop and think before speaking into ChatGPT, I’m much more conscious about what I’m saying. If I realise I’m reacting emotionally, I can delete things before sending them. Sometimes I’ll even ask ChatGPT whether my interpretation of a situation is reasonable, and three-quarters of the time it tells me I’m overreacting, explains why, and offers a more balanced perspective.

In a strange way, ChatGPT has been helping me regulate.

Anyway, this was supposed to be a question post, but it ended up being a lot of background information.
If I had to boil it down to a question, it would be this:

What are some signs of BPD in men that may be more nuanced or less obvious?

And for those of you with quiet BPD, how do you manage romantic relationships?

And separately, I’m going on Ritalin to try to help with some of these intense symptoms of lack of focus concentration and lack of motivation, and I’d like to hear from anyone who’s tried Ritalin having BPD.

I ask because my symptoms seem to emerge almost exclusively in romantic relationships. They don’t show up with friends, colleagues, or in other areas of my life. It’s only when I become emotionally attached to a romantic partner that these patterns appear.
I’d really appreciate any thoughts, insights, experiences, or guidance.

Thank you.

English is not my first langue. VENT.

I’m living in such bizzarre situation, makes me feel like I’m in some alternative universe bc this shit can’t be real.

So. I found a new good group of friends (5 including me), I had a crush on one of them for many months and they were like my favourite person so.. you already know. But I didn’t want to tell them because like said we were in a well established group of friends.. I didnt want to be the one to destroy the equilibrium, I felt like doing something would be egoistical. And I’m trying to get better mentally. But, from my point of view what we had was special. It was fun, we always teased each other, talking to them was so easy, they made me feel understood and cared of, and there was some physical affection. Like, at some points very intimate.. like cuddles.
And in my delusion I thought there was something between us because of the said tension. And I felt jealous when they went out alone with another friends of ours. For months they were my whole life. I know it’s wrong, and I knew it was.

But returning to the main plot.

This was till I found out that two of my friends were secretly dating. I was astonished, and I thought.. if they can have that, maybe I can confess my feelings too. I did it, I got rejected and it destroyed me. But they were still caring for me. From then we developed a strange relationship, they didn’t want ever to remain alone with me in a room or pass some time alone with me, they didn’t show signs of physical affection anymore, and the teasing almost disappeared. Our friendship destroyed.

My mental health really degenerated because of this. It’s not their fault, they probably felt uncomfortable after what happened, but still, it was so.. painful. My feelings were still there,
I had to see them everyday, see them starting to show phisical affection to one of our friends in particular. And I didn’t understand that. Was there something between them? Was I just the one he didn’t want to have anything with? And also they were passing so much time alone together.
Not knowing made me genuinely insane. And it got so bad. I genuinely lost myself. Started SH and Everyday was like feeling every Radiohead song injected in my veins. It was like my autonomy was taken away from me, everything that was mine was taken away and the only thing I could ever think was them.

Then one day I just asked, and yea there was something between them. It destroyed me again but this time I didn’t do anything harmful to myself, my heart just became heavy and like frozen.

Everyday I saw them together, knowing my friend shared with them everything I ever wanted. I started comparing myself to my friend, and so on. I started to take action.
From that day I stopped accompanying my friends after Collage to the train station for example because honestly all the previous months I'd always done it only for one of them. And now I knew I had to get back on my feet. And I needed to regain the control over myself.

The fun thing is, now they are like trying to connect with me again. They ask me if I want to do group projects with them, during breaks they always stick around me, tease me again. And something tells me it’s not a coincidence. Because like I said previously, like a month ago they would probably prefer being run over than being alone with me.

Probably they are worried about something or they feel bad for how things turned out. Maybe they don’t want that I feel left out. (Bc the other two of my friends are also dating) But the relationship between them and my friend remains. They are more subtle now, while before they almost use to throw the fact that was something between them in our face. I know they can act whoever they want but.. after knowing what I went through? Why? That’s why I think they feel bad.

And my feelings remain. Today after months I had a dream where they wanted me.. and you can imagine how my day went. I felt so fragile to everything and They knew something was wrong
and hugged me after many months suddenly and this made me feel so much worse yet it.. felt so good.

Like Karma police, For a minute there a lost myself. But this shit is almost a year drag.

Yeah, usually I try to not think about past but today i remember how it was cuddling with them. Like for the first time i felt physical regulation, I tasted paradise for a second and now I’m dealing with consequences. I can’t move one. How you stop these feelings? After a while I always relapse in them.

I genuinely don’t know how to resolve this without extreme damage. Chat I am cooked?

hi!! so i really struggle with paranoia around my FP (favourite/fixated person) especially when it comes to thinking they’re watching me through cameras etc? i can just be going about my normal business at home when suddenly the thought comes into my mind that my FP is watching what i’m doing at that moment. obviously i know deep down that that isn’t happening but in the moment it’s something that really freaks me out. i’ve been struggling with it for years and years but it’s seeming to get worse with every FP i have. i was just wondering if anyone else has similar thoughts or knows any tips on how to deal with these thoughts when they arise? hope you’re all okay <3

If you have taken part in previous research of mine, this is a fresh study with the final version of the new the Borderline Diagnosis Experience Scale (BDES) and I welcome you to take part once again to help the final validation of this scale.

You are invited to take part in what is hopefully my final PhD study. This is an anonymous survey exploring emotional, cognitive, and behavioural reactions to receiving a diagnosis of BPD. Ethical approval has been granted by St Mary’s University Twickenham (Approval: SMU_ETHICS_2025-26_358).

Study Aims:

1. Compare the BDES with two established surveys
2. Check the BDES measures what it is intended to measure
3. Analyse whether current age, age at diagnosis and gender influences attitudes and diagnosis experiences

This survey can be completed in 20 - 30 minutes. Your participation supports active PhD research into BPD/EUPD and contributes to developing better tools for understanding diagnosis experience. Use the QR Code or Survey Link for more information & to participate: https://app.onlinesurveys.jisc.ac.uk/s/stmarys/bpd-experience

Edit: For those who met the crtieria but could not take part, please try again as there was an error with the coding which has now been resolved.

A call for participants in what is hopefully my last PhD study to complete the final validation steps of a new measurement: the Borderline Diagnosis Experience Scale (BDES).

This is an anonymous survey exploring emotional, cognitive, and behavioural reactions to receiving a diagnosis of BPD. Ethical approval has been granted by St Mary’s University Twickenham (Approval: SMU_ETHICS_2025-26_358)

Study Aims:

1. Compare the BDES with two established surveys
2. Check the BDES measures what it is intended to measure
3. Analyse whether current age, age at diagnosis and gender influences attitudes and diagnosis experiences

This survey can be completed in 20 - 30 minutes. Your participation supports active PhD research into BPD/EUPD and contributes to developing better tools for understanding diagnosis experience. Use the QR Code or Survey Link for more information & to participate: https://app.onlinesurveys.jisc.ac.uk/s/stmarys/bpd-experience

I've had bpd diagnosed by 2 different docs, but i don't feel like it fits. I also am diagnosed bipolar 2, ptsd, and gad, which i do agree with.

To start, i don't have a deep fear of abandment. Sure, i have very few friends outside the work environment, but that's more by preference than fear. I like being able to do whatever i want to do in my free time without having to consider others. I have a very stable marriage of 14yrs. I don't split on people and have a great ability to both acknowledge someone's shortcomings while still liking and valuing them. I also don't think i experience derealization. I've pondered the meaning of consciousness and reality, but never felt like i was not real.

On the flip side, i do internalize a lot of intense emotions. These emotions can change rapidly or they might last long emough to trigger a bipolar mood shift. I deal with feelings of worthlessness and an overall sense of meaninglessness about all of existence. Absolutely nothing matters in the grand scheme of things. I self-harm, but always very privately. I often feel like i'm failing and hate myself immensely. Little mistakes can trigger extreme selfloathing and harsh self criticism.

Do i sound like i have bpd?

The University of Houston Developmental Psychopathology Lab is looking for participants for an online research study about personal growth in siblings of individuals with personality disorder.

Study details: You are eligible to participate if you are fluent in English, 18 years of age or older and the sibling of someone with personality disorder.

You will complete one online questionnaire (takes roughly 30-40 minutes) and have the option to enter a raffle to win one of fifty $20 Amazon gift cards.

Want to participate? Click here https://redcap.times.uh.edu/surveys/?s=WEX8ELCPHJ3NTPEN

Questions? Email us at [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected]) or text or call us at (218) 940-5348.

Posting on behalf of my partner who is diagnosed with BPD and studying the topic for her PhD:

Seeking participants diagnosed with BPD for a pilot study, which looks at peoples experience at diagnosis.

This pilot aims to validate a new questionnaire for a full future study.

This research has ethical approval from St Mary's University, Twickenham, England. Please click the link for more information/to take part: https://app.onlinesurveys.jisc.ac.uk/s/stmarys/bpd-diagnosis-experience

Researcher diagnosed with BPD here.

Seeking participants diagnosed with BPD for a pilot study, which has full ethical approval from St Mary's University, Twickenham, England.

This study explores how individuals emotionally, cognitively, and behaviourally responded to receiving a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Please take part if you are able to. Every participant takes this questionnaire one step closer to validation.

Link: https://app.onlinesurveys.jisc.ac.uk/s/stmarys/bpd-diagnosis-experience

Drop “Interested” in the comments to get the link in your DMs.

I’ll be sending both .pdf and .epub versions.

When you’re done reading the book, we’d appreciate it if you left an honest review on Goodreads or Amazon. That’s not a requirement though.

By receiving a free copy, you agree not to share or distribute the book anywhere online.

The novel is accompanied by an original soundtrack performed by my band, Them vs. Her. It can be streamed for free on YouTube and all major streaming platforms.

SYNOPSIS:

Sadie Williams, a former teen mom and frontwoman of an ambient post rock band called Midnight Musings, has a name that isn't hers and three months until she's completely broke. As a girl, she was pegged for a slacker and a drama queen. As a traumatized and love obsessed early 20's something, she follows her heart at the expense of herself and everyone else. What awaited her was a seriously cool and disheartening adventure. It wasn't long before she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

Now a failed freelancer (failed everything) in her 30's, Sadie leaves it all the comfort of familiarity and the life she betted on. Sabotaged by bad decisions that's left her right where she started and haunted by abuse and her own diagnosis, Sadie makes a vow to break the cycle for her preteen son, Logan, and get her life back once and for all.

Sadie's Favorite tells the story of a girl lost, a woman recovered and the trauma in between. It explores what love is, what it isn't, family, friendship and the importance of keeping those you cherish close. But not too close.

AS SOMEONE WHO SPENT A DECADE TRYING TO AVOID MAKING MISTAKES, SHE SURE HAS A LOT OF REGRETS

Idk why I'm feeling like this..I feel like I'm not real..al my existence, emotions and everything are fake..when I'm on my meds I feel deep sorrow but can't cry or react to it..sometimes it feels like meds has made me a zombie

Hi guys my boyfriend has created a BPD support group and it’s a very chill and nice community I was wondering if anyone wanted to join the link is https://discord.gg/hussvtaAF we’re just starting up so there is a small community but If anyone does join thank you very much we do appreciate it I just want to support him.

I’ve recently been diagnosed with bpd but I can’t stop thinking that I may have manipulated my therapist or even myself. He said it’s an internalized but valid expression. I’m not sure it really is bpd I don’t think it’s intense or frequent enough. I don’t believe I suffer enough to be a bpd. Or with enough frequency. My iq is 135 so that changes expression a bit and makes it rare for me to lose awareness even during crisis. My issue is that everything I feel is immediately doubted by me. I can’t trust my own emotions. I’ll be spiraling and another part of my mind is like “are you faking this?” which makes everything worse. I often consider the possibility of it all being performative even if just for myself, or a way to be special, or an excuse to study less and not feel guilty.

I can go from euphoric to depressed to desperate to obsessed to “I don’t care” in hours, and while the emotions can last hours the switch from one another is almost instant. On the outside I look normal, calm, even put-together. I hide when I can’t hold my tears or am hyperaroused. I have self harm scars but I doubt it’s real cause they’re like 1mm wide at most, barely even bled, and might have been performative even if for myself. I’m addicted to nicotine and occasionally binge drink. I have snorted Ritalin, sublingual Xanax, smoked weed, but all in very controlled doses, low doses (tho they hit like high doses for me, I’m extremely sensitive emotionally), very spaced out, and I don’t seem to crash from anything. After three puffs of weed or one puff of a thc pen or .5mg sublingual Xanax, I can be calm and even slightly euphoric for days after it’s off my bloodstream, until it wears off over a week or something triggers an end early. I don’t consider this drug use impulsive, but I am impulsive for food and social validation, extremely compulsive for nicotine, porn, masturbation and social media. I have had paranoid ideation in the sense of believing everyone hates me and my life is over for small reasons and without logic. I’ve had derealization but in a cognitive, philosophical way, I spiraled and cried desperately at the thought that humans are basically chemical computers and nothing is certain, but I felt real I just got hyperfocused on determinism, nihilism and lack of certainty. My fear of abandonment is fairly stable cause I haven’t been in any deep relationships, have never dated or kissed anyone, only friends which aren’t even that close. And I don’t seem to have a fp except for one girl that I don’t even talk to anymore but I do idealize, fantasize and stalk her reposts daily, and imagine how my self worth depends on her liking me, but I’m not sure that counts. Plus when I split, it’s on myself, not on others, I self blame if anyone hates me, what collapses is my self worth, and I hate myself, and sometimes that reflects in hating others in a defensive way. My relationships are the center of everything. But they are fairly stable externally, tho at least weekly I stop caring about them, sometimes even hate them, but don’t stop being a people pleaser and go back to obsessing over them the second they smile at me. If I’m around someone I love, I feel stable and often think I’m fully healed and all the instability was a phase (which is already weird cause don’t real bpds feel empty even when around their FPs?) If I’m alone for a few hours, I start feeling hollow, worthless, anhedonic. And I start doubting whether anyone even likes me or if I gave them the ick without noticing. But after some days alone I sort of regulate by focusing on gym or personality self improvement to make me more likeable, and that makes me feel fine due to anticipating being liked, but my self esteem deteriorates and when I socialize again I’m ten times more anxious than I was on the last one. I never say any of this out loud tho. I act fine and unbothered while internally often having existential breakdowns. The closest thing to testing people I’ve done is saying I don’t have a vape to see if they still talk to me. Subconsciously I also sometimes think I stopped caring, and ignore everyone, but in reality it’s a test and the second someone texts me despite me having ignored their previous one, I idealize them again and care a lot and find an excuse for having ignored them. And when someone shows me proof they love me and I don’t doubt it, I feel euphoric. Literally euphoric. Like my whole self-worth comes back and life gets instantly amazing and worth living. Unstable identity is one of the few symptoms I believe I have. I switch between wanting to be a doctor, then a fashion girl, then a hippie, then a scientist, then rich housewife, then cokehead Kate moss, wellness influencer, architect depending on who I’m idealizing that day and time. for example sometimes I love afrohouse and despise who I was hours ago identifying with charli xcx, liking her music, her values. When I start liking charli xcx again, I can’t bear listening to afrohouse cause it sounds so cheesy and performative. I can’t stick to one version of myself.

Here’s where the CPTSD confusion comes in: I grew up with a LOT of emotional invalidation. Like “you’re too sensitive” “swallow your tears” “I’ll take you to the hospital for you to see children with real problems” guilt-tripping, physical punishment for outbursts , blaming me for their stress, threatening divorce if I don’t behave.

I also had intense things happen super early. When my sister was born, I was 2, and despite my parents having properly introduced me to that idea months in advance, I was shocked and said “where’s the mommy of that crying baby?” (Not sure if I didn’t understand or was in negation but it’s likely I did understand and didn’t want to believe it) and I went from eating soup with gelatin to exclusively penne with butter for a year, and my growth was clinically noticed to have slowed down (not nutrition deficiency, it was the stress). I’d also get very frequent anxiety nosebleeds at 9, anger outbursts of breaking things, telling my parents I hate them, want the dead or threatening them with suicide at 12, once even spitting and hitting my father back, all despite knowing I’d get worse punishment. I’ve been seeing psychologists and psychiatrists since 8, first med was at 9, I’ve tried lamotrigine, escitalopram, bupropion, aripiprazol, desvenlafaxine. And none really worked. Now I’m starting lamotrigine again. Does anyone identify with any of that? Does it really look like bpd? TIA

My girlfriend have BPD and I really want to help her. I realized that I can't really "heal" it but only support her. I'm really worried that she'll do something terrible and I can't even think about it. I personally deal with BDD and she knows about it. she saved my life, I attempted once a few years ago and before I met her I almost attempted again. She made me want to live, made me feel good about the way I look and bost my confidence, I really want to give her the same feeling. The problem is that she really doesn't want to share it with me because her past boyfriend acted realy childish about it and laughed. How can I help her? Without knowing exactly what she's going through.