I would greatly appreciate some input from people who (might) understand.

My attraction is probably best described as greysexual, although probably a lot closer to the asexual end of the spectrum. My current partner is the same as me in that regard.

Neither of us has a lot of interest in sex or feels particularly attracted to other people. Our relationship developed slowly, we were friends and then best friends for a while before entering a committed partnership, and my attraction to him also developed very slowly alongside it. We had sex semi regularly during the first months of our relationship before ultimately settling back into our regular patterns. These days it's probably once every two months or less. Even 'though I can feel some level of attraction to people I'm very emotionally close to, I never really care to act on it and I don't think I would care if I could never have sex again. I went years without it and didn't miss a thing.

We're still able to enjoy it if it happens, but neither of us really initiates anything, there isn't really a feeling of "being in the mood" and neither of us has a high drive. When we're in bed together or go to sleep together, we just cuddle and it never turns into anything more than that. We spend a lot of time together (after all, we live together) and enjoy playing video games, cooking, cuddling, going for walks or spending time in town together. I feel really safe and fulfilled in my relationship and we're planning to get married sometime next year.

I don't think I have a reason to believe our relationship is going south. But occasionally there's this little voice in my head that keeps telling me that sex is an integral part of a committed relationship, lack (or loss) of sexual desire is a sign the relationship isn't working anymore, it's only a true relationship if sex is involved, a sexless marriage is just being roommates, etc.

I obviously asked my partner before if he needs more action in our relationship and he said no, he's happy the way things are. I believe him, but can't turn off the thoughts that arise in my head from time to time. I think I might just be struggling with internalized allonormativity, if that's the right term for it. Thoughts? Advice?

I’m in my 50s (M) now and consider myself non-binary / grey ace. Thinking back on my teens and early 20s, I’ve come to believe my being ace and not having awareness of our spectrum, contributed more to becoming performative than being non-binary. You know, the age old societal expectations.

Ended up bodybuilding, military, big family, expressions of perceived expectations. Decades of career, self suppression and a focus on others. If I had any advice for others, discover who you really are before you get lost in the motions of life.

Only now am I breathing, living, and rediscovering those days of natural integration. What a relief!

Recently I began reflecting my own identity and experience around sexuality and romance. I've identified as aro for like a year now and even if I can pretty firmly say I don't want anything to do with romance, I wasn't really sure how to put my feelings into words when it comes to sexuality.

Do I just want to be special? Am I just coping for being a late bloomer (32 btw)? I always felt like people were more interested in sex than me, but then I thought they just were more extroverted, like I was just not confident enough to see myself as a sexually active person...

But today I stumbled upon this subreddit while browsing out of boredom and I read the definition:

"People who experience sexual attraction, but not enough to act upon it"

And well, I felt seen. This is what I experience. That's me. I guess I'm part of this community now.

I recently had a horrible experience with someone who claimed to be Grey romantic. We dated for a short time, about a month, where they pursued me relentlessly and acted like they were super interested in me (even hinted at being in love with me). Then one day, they just woke up and decided they didn't have romantic feelings for me anymore and just completely discarded me, citing their grey romanticism as the reason why. Now, a few weeks later, they came back to me and started relentlessly flirting with me again, saying their feelings are back. Is this a common experience for Grey romantic people, or is this person just manipulating me?

hi. I’m 39f and been with my husband for 19 years. We recently hit a big problem in our marriage. I’ve always thought of myself as asexual because I just don’t need it. Hes known this from the beginning. When we first got together for the first 14 years or so we’ve struggled with addiction. I was very hot and heavy with him at the time because of that. When we got sober, it went down significantly and we discussed why. He takes it super personally even though I’ve tried to explain it’s not him, it’s not that I don’t enjoy it, it’s not that I’m not attracted to him, I just don’t want to. When I was in the substances, I felt amazing and confident and ready to take on anything. Now I’m just…me.

Last night I found out he’s been on local Reddit hookup groups and other nsfw corn groups. He even asked someone to message him. I’m heartbroken. I have no proof he’s actually cheated or met up with anyone (he swears he hasn’t and to be honest we are always together) but I feel like he crossed a huge line bc it looked like he tried.

I don’t care if he looks at corn, I don’t care if he goes to a strip club ( he never goes out anyway), I don’t even care if he comments how hot they are on Reddit. All I ask is no messaging, no touching or meeting up. I think that’s pretty fair. I never look at his phone I trust him with everything. The only reason I found out was because I was going to check my email on the laptop and his email came up and I saw the notifications.

Anyway, because of this we had a huge discussion on how he feels unwanted and how our sex life has gone down to like 3 times a year. I honestly didn’t notice. I just don’t think about it. When he initiates it, sometimes I say no because I’m comfortable saying no to him. Being asexual that’s huuuuuge for me, his patience. Maybe I take no too far. Maybe my trauma from the past takes over. I was never able to say no with my exes. Maybe I just…don’t…want…to.

I’m having a very very hard time trying to explain this to him. I get intimacy in other ways like just being with him and cuddling. He wants me to seek therapy and maybe I should. But what if this is just me?..

oh btw I’m 21 weeks pregnant with our first child. This pregnancy has been soooo difficult I don’t want sex at all, I’m so sick. So yeah it’s gonna get worse when the baby comes and he says he understands that and expects that. Boy, after what I found out if I didn’t wanna have sex before now I really feel awful about myself after what he did. I’m completely turned off.

I know this is long and thank you for reading. I have no one else to turn to. I’m just wondering how do I explain how gray Asexuality is very fluid and are there any ways maybe I can make him understand. My trust is broken, not even from cheating (again I have no proof) but from it looking like intent. How do we move on? Therapy? Thank you.

Hi I am 26M and trying to better understand my sexuality. I kind of always assumed I was allo, but have recently questioned if I actually experience sexual attraction and/or if I am just sex averse.

Based on how other people have described sexual attraction, I don't think I experience it the same way allo people do. Like I see someone and think it would be nice to cuddle, kiss, maybe clothes could come off, but I don't know if I really desire being inside them. However, maybe that's just the sex averse talking. Additionally, I would always get super nauseous during sex ed in school or during kissing/sex scenes in books. I sometimes have fantasies, but they generally don't go past kissing and if they do, usually don't get super explicit or else I get a bit uncomfortable. I never really liked watching porn, but I also get it's not a very accurate depiction of sex so idk if that's much to go off of. I also have never really done anything with another woman so I don't really have any personal experience to base this on.

Anyway, I'm just hoping to try to better understand myself, so I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts or similar experiences that might help me find the right identity for myself. Thank you!

Did anyone come across the word heteroflexible??👀 After 27yrs i found out what iam 🌈. Is there anyone like me

Hi, everyone!

Recently, I have been trying to figure out where I fall on the Asexual spectrum and I'd love to hear your opinions, label suggestions, and experiences.

In my teenage years and early adulthood, I was very sex-positive. I know, however, and I knew it then, that it was caused by thinking being very open to sex and sexually active would be liberating and make me feel all cool. That had worked for a while, until I felt satisfied with the number of sexual partners I'd had, and the whole thing lost its appeal. Since sex has never been very physically enjoyable for me, there was suddenly nothing to make me desire it again. It took me a while to come to terms with that, and some experiences with having sex out of the sense of obligation tipped my scale from indifferent to averse.

The issue is, I am still unsure whether I have ever felt sexual attraction, since there were times I did desire sex. I know that's not the same thing, but I am not sure how to reliably separate that.

Another thing I'm unsure about is the fact that I do have a libido and enjoy masturbation and sexual fantasies, which might sometimes involve myself. I am not currently comfortable with the idea of partaking in partnered sex, however.

Due to all of the above, I am still questioning whether I am asexual, greysexual, aegosexual (disconnected from the object of sexual desire - honestly, I am still struggling to fully understand this label and its bounds), orchidsexual (experiencing sexual attraction but disinterested in sex itself), something else entirely, or simply a sex-repulsed allosexual.

Any insight would be appreciated, thanks!

Hello, I am doing some research on this topic. Do you think that a 50 year old heterosexual male could be asexual and not aware? Or in denial of this?? I am not on this spectrum, so I genuinely am seeking to understand.

I have a new partner of a few months, and, he does not desire me sexually, despite him saying he does… He adores me and I adore him. But the sexual charge from him is just not there. He has disclosed nothing about this to me. He has even said he sex is so important and that he thinks about me all the time in that way- but he does not express himself in that way. I’ve tried to talk to him about our sec life, and the impression I get is he gets uncomfortable and feels insecure.

He does initiate sex about every other week, but, it’s not the usual we can’t keep our hands off of each other bc it’s only been a few months…

I’m just curious. We are also in a conservative area of the country with strong religious ties. I don’t know if it’s me, his upbringing, his age, or if he is asexual or struggling with him his sexuality. I’m afraid he is afraid to admit it to himself and wants to be sexual so he just goes through the motions.

Any feedback is appreciated

Hey guys, I only recently found out about this recently and a lot of the topics shared here match me quite a bit. I'm a 20 year old male and I'm a bit confused about myself. I have never been interested in sex or relationships for that matter. At first it never bothered me, but as I grew older it started to become more of a problem (to others) that I've never entered a relationship. Although I'm not repulsed or adverse to sex, it's not like I wouldn't want to try it out atleast once. My desire for these things have always been non existent since I was young. However, I have been dealing with depression since I was 10 or 11 which I know can lower your sex drive. Idk, anyone else in the same boat or similar? I'd like to know your thoughts.

I have been out of the dating scene for several years, but am dipping my toe back in. I'm a 42 yr old cis woman, and I've started seeing a 40 yr old cis man who I like a lot, which is mostly great!

Here's the thing: he is conventionally attractive and enjoys working out. I love that for him, but it does not excite me in the way he seems to think it would. He sends me muscly selfies, and I cheer him on because, good for him and his hobby, but I know he expects that I am attracted by them. He recently said (in a text) that he wanted to send me a nsfw selfie, and I said no thanks.

I do enjoy being physically affectionate with him, but it's the visual attraction that I'm pretty neutral about. We met on a dating app, and I did say on my profile that I was graysexual, and he asked me about that a little on our first date. There will definitely need to be more communication about what that means to me exactly, but it was at least acknowledged early on.

How do I tactfully clarify that I'll probably never want sexual selfies, and that even shirtless selfies aren't necessarily doing what he probably thinks they are for me? We have only been on a handful of dates, and my guess is he took my "no thanks" to mean I wasn't ready for that "yet." If it brings him joy to pick up something heavy and send me a picture of that, I'm happy for that to happen, but that picture will be for him, not for me.

Hi, I was reading the definitions that are listed on the side about grey sexuality, and I had a question about a few of them. I've spent a bit of time on the asexual subreddits, and some of the definitions that you have differ from them a little bit and I'd just like to learn a bit more about them.

I understand that they are not the be all end all on asexuality, but I just have a few questions about why things are different. Understanding how/why these different opinions occur is good to understand what is asexuality as a whole.

With definition B (Experience sexual attraction, but not enough to act upon it), I'm used to hearing that asexuality is about attraction not action. But the definition here would fall under action (lack thereof). So does action actually play a role here? Over there, they would shut down the suggestion of this falling under grey-asexuality, since they would shut down the idea of acting or not having anything to do with your sexuality at all. So why is it included here? Are they just a bit more gatekeepy over there?

With definition D (Anyone who identifies as sex-indifferent, sex-adverse, or sex-repulsed but may experience drive and/or attraction) I have two questions.

Question 1 is that sex-repulsed people can have a drive and still be counted? They always say that your drive has nothing to do with your attraction to others since they base it only on attraction to others.

Question 2 would be that sex-repulsed allos do actually count as grey-ace? When I asked before, they always said no, because if you have sexual attraction, you can't be ace at all, even though they seem to accept demi and grey-aces, who by definition have some level of sexual attraction. They said that grey-ace and demis are allowed because their experience with sexuality is different than an allo's, but a sex-repulsed allo would not have an experience different enough to let them under the ace umbrella.

That is something that I have thought that I might be, and having it fall under the ace spectrum is how I always thought it should be. It would make sense for me, but with seeing different definitions, it's hard to understand if I would actually would still be considered ace or what I would be considered. I know there is the whole "live your life without labels", which is good advice, but I also just like to learn more about them, you know? Thanks for any and all answers given.

Oops, forgot one more question. I've also seen people say that having a very weak attraction can count as greysexual. What is defined as weak attraction? I guess I don't understand what normal strength would be versus weak. Is it less of a desire to act on it? Do you only feel attraction to not full on sex but other things sexual (like touching down there)? Or what? I just really don't understand the weak part without understand what does not count as weak.

I identified as grey for some years, even when I started to have sometimes sex with the person I'm currently dating. I used to be someone that prefers to give rather than receive pleasure cuz having sex wasn't arousal enough

It's still hard for me to see a person and think that is sexy. I don't feel an urge to start something even if I'm in bed with someone I think is pretty. I was insecure when I tried to have a relationship with someone new (I'm in a polyam relationship) bcs I'm afraid of not wanting to have sex with all of my partners.

But now I think that the reason behind my preference to give was that I'm only into certain kinky things... :l Vainilla sex is enjoyable but I guess it's cause I love my partner, do that with anyone just sound borinnng

Idk if it makes sense to keep using this label

Perhaps I simply don't want to stop identifying as such so people don't say that "I'm cured"

Recently had a discussion with my boyfriend who brought up that I may be on the asexuality spectrum. I have always struggled with my sex drive, it can be really high then really low for months. For example, early into relationships it’s really high then months later it’s none to sometimes. I’ve had sexual relationships where we “hook up” and that’s it, but they’re never long term or even often. I have always struggled with thinking that something was wrong with me, but I just don’t know what happens. I’m still attracted to my bf and love him very much I just have no desire to have sex and when I have a sex drive it’s not enough to act on it. Does this sound like gray ??

I’m still trying to understand where my sexuality fits. 30s bi-ish? male into gear. Gear like not fetish gear, but wearing gear in general. Like putting on protective sports gear, American football, ice hockey, motorcycle gear, etc. Also into other kinds of full kit gear, like scuba, firefighting, tactical/military, snow suits, and fantasize wearing space suits.
I don’t really think about sex when I’m wearing gear, just intensely turned on. Makes me feel masculine and energized. Seeing gear on others don’t do it for me so much, and I tend to want to feel the position of the one being in gear.
Is this graysexality? Asexuality? Am I just a sexual unicorn?

Most of the time I'm sex repulsed, only rarely do I want to engage in sexual activity. When I do want sex I return to being sex repulsed immediately after orgasming.

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I've never had a "crush" and there is no specific person I've ever wanted to have sex with, just a general feeling of wanting it occasionally. This would be with any gender.

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My current working theory is Grey-Bisexual. What is confusing me though is the term "sexual attraction". From my understanding, sexual attraction has to be towards a specific person, but for me it's always a general feeling (rarely) and never towards a specific person.

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Any thoughts on this are appreciated.

Wondering if others have found their level/frequency of sexual attraction changes over time?

I originally identified as demisexual, as mainly I have only been attracted to a few people who I developed romantic feelings first. But when I did, it seemed to go hand in hand.

I've found that my sexual attraction has actually gotten less noticeable over time and find I'm nearing being almost totally just ace and maybe even a bit repulsed.

I still feel romantic attraction, and am interested in cuddles, kissing, etc. But the sexual attraction has become incredibly minimal if even present at all (I'm less sure). Would like to know if this is something others in the more grey-ace spaces have experienced.

I’m not really asking about compromise once you’re already in a relationship. I mean: how do you even meet someone who’s compatible?

I genuinely enjoy being single, but I know there will probably come a point where I’ll want a relationship again. Not because of social pressure or anything, but because I do miss things like affection/cuddling.

What makes me wonder is the intimacy side of things. Most people seem to want a very active sex life and I've never met anyone who was less interested in it. In my case I find it a bit tricky because I need sexual tension, but I’m not particularly interested in the act itself.

So I’m curious: for those of you on the ace spectrum, how did you meet people whose intimacy needs were compatible with yours?

I just wanted to ask that using ( ace &grey ace ) lables together OK?

Cuz when I use both the lables together kind of make me feel I am able to express myself better.