I am a mentally ill person. I've got a slew of problems but mainly I just can't tell what's what anymore. How do i separate what is and isn't really me? Why are people so changeable? I always thought I knew who I was but how much of it is just based off of observations made through a mentally ill lens? I can't tell who I am anymore and I can't reconcile what I am now and who I always imagined I was going to be. How do i become the version of myself I always wanted to be when I'm currently so far removed? Did I imagine who i was based off of everything i hate about myself? I took the parts of me away i didn't like and I was left with an ideal version that I will never achieve no matter how hard I strive or try or yearn or cry about it. What if I do make it there and I still don't like myself? What if I'm still not satisfied? I hate the not knowing of things and the uncertainty that is life itself. Why couldn't I just be who I wanted to be? Even if it was unrealistic, its all I've ever wanted. Do I even really want the career I've spent my entire life dreaming of? What is my purpose? I just wanted a reason, for all the suffering and the noisiness of it all. I know why there isn't a reason, there was never a reason for anything at all. And it drives me insane I will never know.

A little disclaimer before I begin, I'm not really that good at explaining myself, so sorry in advance if it sounds messy and confused.

So basically, the thing I'm most confused about on how society wants me to live is the fact that I have to center my life around having a job, which is something that is hard to obtain, is probably going to be something I hate, I would have to deal with idiots for the most part, and, most of all, I would probably live in misery and demotivation. The worst part about all of this is that is all collective experience from me and many people close to me (friend and family) but I'm basically the only one who thinks that it's not normal to live like this.

I've tried talking with them about it, and not only they know it's like that but also admit it, but they simply act like it's something completely normal and still encourage me to take that path, simply saying that everyone has gone through it.

And honestly that simply raised a question: why bother then? Why try to get a job if what awaits me is pain and misery? You would probably say that it's for the paycheck... But I just don't think is enough for me anymore... I actually want to wake up and actually being excited for the day... It genuenly just very demotivating and makes living simply not worth it. It makes me feel like we are just born to serve the people who already are wealthy enough but simply want to get richer.

Why is life so hard? Why do I have to sacrifice my own sanity to simply try to live longer? Why people are just assholes who lie and shatter every piece of hopes and dreams I have?

Thank you for listening to my rant and I hope this is the right subreddit (I think it is but I still have some doubts). If not, tell me where should I post this because I just want to hear people's opinions on this because I want to understand if I'm just an idiot or if there's actually something really wrong that people simply overlooked. I'm also sorry for any errors in here as english is not my native language.

I’ve always had a baseline fear of death,both my own and losing my parents and siblings. But lately, it has spiraled to a severe level, and it’s completely ruining my life. I can’t go a single day, or even a few hours, without these thoughts taking over.
Whenever I’m doing normal things,eating dinner with my mom, hugging my dad, or trying to enjoy going out,my brain immediately interrupts with: "This could be the last time you ever do this."
It’s gotten to the point where I constantly calculate statistics in real life. If I’m out, I’ll think about how 1 in 100 people die in car accidents. Whenever I interact with anyone, I immediately visualize them dying or myself dying. I am incredibly hyper-fixated on how unpredictable life is and how many people die young and fast. I’m even caught in loops where I worry about dying before getting married and having kids, but then my brain flips to overthinking and visualizing my future children dying.
I feel like I am constantly "pre-grieving" everyone and everything. It’s exhausting, terrifying, and it’s keeping me from actually living.
Has anyone else dealt with this specific type of severe existential dread and constant visualization of death? How do you make it stop, or at least tone it down so you can breathe? I really need some advice or just to know I’m not alone in this.

We’re all going to die one day and I think that’s just crazy, like nothing actually matters in the grand aspect of things. We’ve all probably thought the exact same things contemplating the meaning of life for hundreds of years maybe thousands and it all ends in the same way. Just think that’s crazy and fascinating. How can you not think about this all the time?

They are living ,breathing being just like animals and yet ethereal in nonliving standards.

Is beauty intentional in nature?

Cause i refuse believe these specimen is only conventionally attractive and opiniated as a concept of beauty.

How can a living thing full of vulnerabilities itself be this good looking that i am completely forgetting its function of living.

A long text with life reflections and career perspectives is coming up.

My context is that I completed a middle-grade vocational training in Microcomputer Systems and Networks and a higher-grade one in Multiplatform Applications Development. I have a C1 level in English. I entered mechanical engineering because "I didn't want to keep studying computer science." Now I regret it a bit because I think I liked it more than I thought (I have been in an existential crisis for 5/6 years). I really like reading, watching anime, movies, drawing, and playing the piano. I do not have a clear goal in this life, and that is what is overwhelming me the most.

It overwhelms me when I see people who have never stopped to think about what they really want and just live, but you cannot talk to them about your worries because they do not share your concerns or do not understand you. It fascinates me to see how people's mindsets change radically from one person to another and how they are unable to see other's points of view, or cannot understand the reason behind other's opinions (obviously, I also have my limitations and biases, I am no god here). It also fascinates me how a person's way of thinking changes drastically depending on the language they speak and how cultures and situations influence it (I am probably highly influenced by the books I have read and the English internet mindset).

Basically, I find no meaning in life. As a child, I was religious because part of my family was, but I was constantly stressed about having to do everything correctly according to religious rules, and I felt guilty when I made a mistake. Additionally, it affected me socially because I could not do many of the things my friends did. During my adolescence, I started reading various books on philosophy, science, biographies, literature, etc., developing my own criteria and questioning my beliefs. That was when I realized that my religion made no sense and that probably none do (even so, I respect religious people and believe everyone is free to believe whatever they want). Eventually, I left religion and to this day I do not practice anything.

Now I have an existential void because I think I am going to die in a few years and will cease to exist, or that maybe a god or something mystical does exist, but I am unaware of it and it will punish me for not having followed its commandments.

I find the idea of dedicating your life to a purpose romantic, even if it lacks meaning, as well as the whole concept of trying to be remembered or living by doing what you love.

The problem is that I am also a realist and I know you cannot eat pure passion, that I need a job, and that if I follow my passion, I probabilistically will not do well. I am afraid of suffering and enduring hardship when I am older.

I would like to find a job that gives me free time to clarify my ideas better, practice the hobbies I like, or even try to "become something in life," but miracle jobs do not exist and I know I have to work hard to have a more comfortable future that allows this.

I always think that although these are the worries that afflict me, there are people who do not have time to think about these "nonsense" things because they have to make a living and have worse conditions than I do, or are in poor health and cannot even afford the luxury of thinking about getting a comfortable job after a university degree. Fortunately, I still have room for maneuver and can choose many paths, but time is running out for me and I am getting older. Many people say you have time in life for many things, but in my opinion, this is a lie. I will probably never be a football player, an astronaut, a sprint athlete, or a president, no matter how hard I try. Furthermore, many other things become more complicated as time passes; if I wanted to become a doctor right now, I would probably have to study for the next 8/9 years just to have a job that pays better than the rest and has some status (this is an example, I have no vocation to be a doctor).

I really do not have a vocation for any profession other than the ideal of being a musician, writer, comic creator, or film director. Where I live (not a big city in Spain) you can study for these things, but it terrifies me to think of failure and the precariousness it entails, plus the fact that being a smaller place, the number of contacts is much lower. On the other hand, I think I might be viewing it in a highly romanticized way and that many young people want the same thing.

I also think that pursuing these ideals or dreams can be selfish because I would not be providing support to my family, who has worked so hard for me. I have the feeling that I should pay them back for everything they have done for me, but it is starting to feel more like a moral duty or a burden rather than something that comes naturally to me (I love my family very much, although I wonder if I am being too unfeeling).

I do not know if I should continue and do mechanical/electronic engineering, which is the most conservative option (I can change branches until the second year since they share subjects) and settle for being a slave to the system who lives scared of the cruelty of reality, bitter for not doing something fulfilling, and cling to leading a moderately comfortable life in a country with a better quality of life, knowing that I am living the dream of many people from other countries in worse situations, but in which I feel unsatisfied because it is not something I really like, and for which many people would label me as ungrateful or miserable.

I could also return to computer engineering (in Spain computer engineering, computer science and software engineering share the same first two years) next year (which I like more, though there is more competition), where I would have to work harder to find a good job and hypothetically live an even more comfortable life earning more money, perhaps using my computer skills to mix them with my hobbies and try to mitigate that discontent of not having dedicated myself full-time to what I liked.

Finally, I could embark on an adventure and try to fulfill my "dream" of dedicating myself to writing, animation, cinema, music, or comics (I am not even sure which one I would go for), carrying the potential outcomes on my conscience and perhaps in the future regretting not having chosen the more conservative option and lived a moderately comfortable life.

It is difficult to see which option I should choose. I also feel bad about myself, especially because I see many people on the internet working hard to earn a minimum livelihood or achieve their artistic or professional goals while I am unable to make a firm decision and accept the consequences.

If you have made it this far, I would appreciate it if you gave me your opinion about life and what you think is the right thing to do.

I realized life for the last century or so in America is largely built around capitalism and just trying to make enough money to retire before you die. You're born, go to school, get a job, save money and raise kids so they will live the exact same life.

I guess people find something outside work they can distract themselves with to justify this pointless dance? It just seems like a really bleak situation. People before us built this system to enable their fantasies and then willingly perpetuate it just because. It's become compulsive, not at all meaningful.

More distressing is probably the realization than any alternative would be the exact same. It's simply a side effect of life's mechanics for continuing life because that's what life is, a mechanic in nature that continues itself. We just unfortunately can observe this mechanic for what it really is and drive ourselves insane.

The only solution we have is to basically lie to ourselves and ignore this mechanism and it's correlation to today's banal life. Trick ourselves with a pointless system of work in hopes that the illusion holds through during our life experiences.

Can you imagine a more sad reality?

I'm just waiting to die someday so that my boring life ends

Existential anxiety/depression keeps coming back and I’m scared it won’t go away

I’m 25 and I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for years, but recently I experienced an intense existential crisis that really frightened me.
My mind became stuck on thoughts about death, consciousness, the meaning of life, and what happens after we die. It wasn’t just normal curiosity — it felt like my brain was trapped in a cycle of analysing and fear, with a constant feeling of dread.
The thing that worries me most is that even after the initial episode improved, it keeps coming back. It was triggered during a time of high stress, illness, poor sleep, and medication changes, but even after things got better and I made medication changes, these thoughts and feelings still return.
I’m scared that this means I won’t fully recover or that I’ll always be pulled back into this state.
Has anyone experienced existential anxiety that improved but then came back in waves? Did it eventually settle down?

I’m 25 and I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for years, but recently I experienced an intense existential crisis that really frightened me.
My mind became stuck on thoughts about death, consciousness, the meaning of life, and what happens after we die. It wasn’t just normal curiosity — it felt like my brain was trapped in a cycle of analysing and fear, with a constant feeling of dread.
The thing that worries me most is that even after the initial episode improved, it keeps coming back. It was triggered during a time of high stress, illness, poor sleep, and medication changes, but even after things got better and I made medication changes, these thoughts and feelings still return.
I’m scared that this means I won’t fully recover or that I’ll always be pulled back into this state.
Has anyone experienced existential anxiety that improved but then came back in waves? Did it eventually settle down?

I was prescribed schizo meds against anxiety / panic attacks at a hospital and have taken them for 3 days. Notice that I don't schizophrenia. I now find myself at age 20 two days off of the medication and in a state of being "extremely present" in the moment, almost like too much to the point where it's just unbearable. While i wait for them to wear off, i would like to get help on how to handle an existensial crisis. I'm thinking about that I could possibly become everything in the world if i wanted to and just that thought leaves me very empty and in the desire that I don't want to become anything and that nothing matters. It feels scary right now and idk how to handle it, please help

Hello I am a 15M and have been having what I have diagnosed as an existential crisis. Please correct me if that is not the case. So it is like tied mildly to my lack of theology so now my brain ponders the unanswerable. When it happens it feels like a fusion of a thought and a feeling. I can't describe it fully but the best I can do is that I feel like I have died. There are no translatable thoughts just a horrid hole that can't be filled up. I do get a lot of suicidal thoughts all the time. They are very tempting but I have been used to the unanswerables of life but not death. So the only thing holding me from suicide is basically the fear of change. My brain absolutely hates the fact that I don't know everything. I often resort to mild self harm like hitting myself to distract my brain. If there is anything u know to fix this please share it with me

Also forgot to say this therapy isn't an option (south asia) and my parents are religious and that won't work (I have tried) and I have told 2 friends (one did give some replies but he is also dealing with his own stuff and the other laughed at me)

I’m 25. Been suicidal since I was 16. I think I’m going to do it soon but I just can’t bare the thought of leaving my mum. I have no siblings either, and she does not have a partner, so she would be left all alone if anything happened to me. That is the only reason I’m still alive. I wish and wish I had siblings so the burden on me staying alive wasn’t so strong. I just want to slip away.

Hi all,

I’ve had extreme death anxiety for a while now but the past couple years it has ramped up.

It’s all I think about. I can’t believe I’ll die one day. I can’t control or stop it. I keep thinking how I’m almost 30 and how fast each day passes. I keep thinking how short life is. I just had a baby and I cry 5+ hours a day that one day I won’t see him again.
It makes life feel meaningless sometimes.
I’m actually struggling very deeply. I can’t even enjoy the newborn stage because I’m literally having death anxiety thoughts all day with panic attacks. It makes me feel hopeless and depressed.

I can’t accept death. I feel like I’ll obsess about this forever.

It’s hard to accept that existence is essentially pointless. It’s kind of cool that we have the freedom to decide our purpose, but for an over thinker it’s kind of a nightmare. When you think outside of the box and consider all of the theories of our existence, you understand there’s no real way to know so many things. And so you’re forced to move through life hyper aware of your own mortality. And if you’re like me you’re constantly questioning how you can best fulfill your time while you’re here. Depression and suicidal ideation can create such a layered mental turmoil in this thought process. If I don’t want to waste my life I have to get better and do a lot of work on myself. If I don’t give a shit I can possibly waste my entire life. What if I die early in the process? What if I live to be 80 and miserable? Does my existence hold value? On the other hand, life can be so brutal that death seems almost comforting. It’s equally terrifying that we’ll all cease to exist. It all makes me feel like I’m suffocating. I’m not sure what I even want out of life but my soul yearns for something I don’t know how to identify. I want deeper experiences. I want meaning. I want to jump out of my skin. I feel trapped. I hope we’re not running out of time.

Hey, I’ve been doing some self-reflection lately, and I realized I could use another person’s perspective. I put my thoughts into three simple questions that I’m asking myself, and I’d really appreciate it if you’d answer them too. I think it would help me feel less alone in working through this. If you don’t have the time or emotional bandwidth right now, that’s completely okay.

Do you ever feel like you’re not becoming the person you want to be?
Do you ever feel disconnected from the life you imagined for yourself?
Do you feel like your daily actions reflect your values?

Hi all, ive been in this headspace practically my whole life, and i just wanted to ask if any of you know how to make it better, even for a little.

ive been in therapy since i was like 12 for depression. It helped, somewhat, when i was only worried about school and work, but every month i find myself circling back to the same thought:

whether i live or die, my life will be nothing. my reality is nothing, the things i see are fake. as soon as i'm dead, everything i've ever loved or known will disappear because they were never real. If everything is fake, why shouldn't i just kill myself now to avoid the pain i'll endure?

the only thing that really holds me back these days are my dogs. they help me get my mind off of this for a little. but no matter what, my thoughts always feel true in my head. i have tried so much, but i know there's nothing i can do to change it. I will always die, i will always be meaningless.

for anyone who's had similar thoughts, I just wanted to ask if it's worth it to go back into therapy. i don't know if therapy can change my thoughts, i don't know if it'll give me a purpose in life, but i just don't want to be in pain anymore. i just want to be happy without feeling dread, without feeling guilty. i'm so sick of being in limbo constantly knowing nothing i do matters. please, to anyone who has experienced this for years and comes circling back to it constantly, is there anything that helps?

sorry if this post breaks rules or is structured bad. I don't think there's anything that can change how my brain works but I might as well try and see

No quiero morirme ni quiero vivir, eso pienso. Soy consciente de que biológicamente todos los seres vivos buscamos sobrevivir por la selección natural. Sinceramente no lo entiendo pero así es, y no puedo luchar contra mi biología, lo sé, y no considero que vivir sea un "castigo" pero la conciencia sí.

Me gustaría ser una persona de esas que creen en Dios, van a misa los domingos y tienen bien definidos los valores de bien y mal, pero cada vez se me desdibuja más todo. Para mi el bien y el mal no existen, van cambiando según la época y el contexto, simplemente me da igual y he caído en la conclusión de que no soy nadie para decidir si algo está bien o no porque nadie puede.

Para mi cuando muramos es el fin, y hay gente que dice que le gustaría vivir para siempre pero también me parecería un tormento eterno. Nada tiene sentido, para qué alargarlo más? Por otro lado me parece que los humanos tenemos la predisposición a quedarnos en el estado en el que estamos a menos que cambiarlo nos beneficie en algo, y esta es la ley del menor esfuerzo. Morir me beneficia en algo? No. Vivir? Tampoco. Tengo miedo a morir? Sí. Probablemente sea algo biológico, por ende prefiero quedar viva, pero no lo disfruto ahora mismo por lo que intento entrar en distracciones constantes para olvidarlo, lo cual es cada vez más difícil.

La gente tiene un marco, un sistema social, conversaciones ensayadas para ser normales, imaginación, religiones y la búsqueda de un propósito para no caer en una crisis existencial, pero una vez que este marco se rompe es horrible. A veces lo que causa más satisfacción es ser idiota, el conocimiento trae sufrimiento.

"El conocimiento quita la ilusión y te muestra la realidad. Sin embargo, ese mismo dolor te ayuda a tomar mejores decisiones y a madurar. La ignorancia puede dar paz temporal, pero la verdad te permite actuar y cambiar cosas." Eso lo acabo de copiar de Gemini (la IA de Google, lo sé, patético) y es un ejemplo de qué diría alguien normal si le preguntas, una respuesta optimista centrada en la evolución personal, algo que no sirve de nada y que te ayuda a crecer dentro de ese marco, de ese sistema que para mi ya está roto.

Mi respuesta sería "aún sabiéndolo voy a continuar con mi vida para por lo menos disfrutarla, es mejor eso que vivir sin ganas, verdad?" Pero estoy siendo incapaz de encontrar ese disfrute en cosas que antes sí tenían significado para mí. Sé que todo se resume a bases biológicas, que ese disfrute son sólo hormonas actuando en mi cuerpo al hacer algo pero simplemente soy capaz de sentirlas. Necesitaba compartir este sufrimiento para sentirme mejor, al final los humanos somos seres sociales.

Me he dado cuenta de que en muchos posts de esta comunidad a la gente le aterra morir pensando que no serán recordados y que su vida no sirvió de nada, y es normal. A mi no me ayuda pero si os sirve de consuelo: influís en la vida de los demás de forma involuntaria al igual que el entorno formado por otras vidas influye en el vuestro.

Supongo que lo único que haré es resignarme a vivir lo que me toque, no quiero morir como dije al principio, no me malinterpretéis. Puede que use la biología misma como excusa, pero en fin, qué se le va a hacer.

Please excuse my spelling; I’m using a translator.

Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve had existential questions: What were we before we were born? What did we experience? How did we feel? Back then, I took it all quite calmly.

Lately, the thought has returned and stayed with me for months, but this time the question is: What happens after we die? This question fills me with immense fear. Many people find comfort—even a sense of calm—in the idea, but I am terrified by the possibility that there might be nothing.

I’ve seen accounts and reports from people who have had near-death experiences; many feel calm, see family members, and experience profound peace, while others feel fear, regret, or pain... and then there are those who see or feel nothing at all... just emptiness... darkness... The concept of "nothingness" terrifies me beyond measure. What is nothingness? How is it experienced? How is it perceived? For those born without "something", what is nothingness like? For those born without a sense of smell, what do they smell? For those born without sight, what do they see? For those born deaf, what do they hear? Nothing—simply nothing...

People often tell me there’s nothing to fear—that I won’t feel a thing, neither pain nor anguish... but I also won’t feel love or happiness, nor will I think. Therefore, I will cease to exist. And what is it like *not* to exist? What is it like not to perceive? Not to experience anything? What was I like before I was born, anyway? Exactly—nothing—because I didn't exist, and when my time comes, I won't exist; I won't be

The idea of ​​being nothing makes me anxious, VERY ANXIOUS. I know many people here might have the same doubts or thoughts, but I wouldn't know how to ask how you all deal with it. I’m not a religious person; at a certain point in my life, I stopped believing in God—though I respect believers, of course. When I ask some of them, they usually tell me that there is indeed life after death; a few say the same thing but add a caveat: "We believe, but we aren't sure."

I think I’d prefer there to be something... anything at all—just to experience, to perceive, to think... It feels somewhat unfair for everything to be an infinite void for all eternity, if that is indeed the case. I don't know what I was like before I was born, and I don't know what I'll be like after I die—a rotting corpse, sure, but what will happen to my consciousness? Will it simply be switched off, and I’ll never "be" again?

I don't understand why people even wanna live so long. There are so many health problems in your 40s and 50s. What's the point of living in my 60s if I'm gonna have diabetes and 100 other health problems, I can't even eat sweets which I love. And life just becomes worse and more boring after 30. I hope to die before that age.