Hi everyone! Found this sub and hoping to get advice on my shelter dog, Linus. Although I did adopt him 3 years ago so it has been awhile, he hasn't overcome a lot of his initial behaviors despite spending thousands on training and dog sitters.
I want to start off by saying that Linus isn't aggressive, violent or nippy with people. He's a chihuahua/jack Russell mix (he's small too at 25 lbs) and overall very sweet, gentle BUT extremely emotionally fragile. He has severe separation anxiety and since the day I adopted him, he hasn't been able to be alone for more than 5 minutes. For a few months or so, we were able to extend his alone time to 10 minutes, but he quickly regressed after spending a month with my parents while I was on a work trip.
I work remotely and live in a studio apartment so obviously it's not easy to get him used to being "alone", where I can close a door and have him develop that trust I'm "there". Whenever I shower, he runs in to make sure he's there watching me. The times I've closed the door just to get alone time, he pees/poos himself and whines the entire time. I'm not angry with it, but I am burnt out, annoyed at times and honestly drained.
I really mean this in the most objective way possible, but Linus has minimal personality aside from clinging onto me (or any dog sitter available), food and eating treats. He does NOT like walking, he doesn't like to explore, he has no interest in playing (unless there's treats available but I can't overstuff him) and he has no funny, obvious "quirks" that other dogs have. Even when he's getting treats or attention, he always seems to have the same worried, droopy expression. I know some dogs naturally look like that, but after three years it's honestly emotionally draining because it feels like he's never happy about anything.
I'm a very social person and also active too. I also live in a big city in the US and love hikes, going out with friends and exploring events. Although he has a stroller, I cannot take this stroller to my hikes or at every single bar or event, especially because a lot of noise and people around overwhelms him. I have to hire a sitter every time I go somewhere he's not allowed to go, and that's always $70-$80 for just a few hours. It's been a huge expense and he always whines for at least 1 or 2 hours when I'm gone (I live also in one of the most expensive cities where dog sitters are in high demand, so I spend around $1500 a month on all his expenses including training, sitters, etc.)
I don't have a car since I live in a walkable city, but I've tried taking him to quiet parks so we could slowly introduce him to new things and stimulation, but he wants to go back into the stroller or tries to cling to me. After his pees and poops, he's basically done. He's also extremely reactive towards other dogs and will lunge and attack (we've been working on this with a trainer too, but again very little progress since he hates walking even on sunny days). I've taken him to trainers and a vet, and my two trainers said he's "very slow in progress" with his separation anxiety. He's been on lexapro and trazodone (prescribed by our vet) since 2024, but I don't see any noticeable different in his demeanor or behavior.
Lastly, I'm a lot more busy at my remote role since I just got promoted, so I don't have as much flexibility to continue to "train" him, even if it goes nowhere. My life revolves around Linus and honestly as terrible as this sounds, his perpetual sad, whiney, clingy demeanor is very draining and disheartening because he's never excited or joyous about ANYTHING. I don't really see him clinging to me as a signal of a "bond" because he clings to anyone the same way, just as long as he isn't alone. It seems more driven by need than connection.
Whenever I spend time with friends' dogs, I'm reminded how different the experience can be. They get excited to explore, play, sniff everything, or just seem genuinely happy to exist (and some of these dogs are also former shelter dogs too!). I leave feeling happier. With Linus, I feel like I'm permanently in maintenance mode. Every interaction feels like managing his anxiety rather than sharing an experience together.
I had so much hope for Linus and was extremely optimistic that enough love and attention would make his true personality come out :/. But after 3 years, I feel at a loss and I wonder if this is actually who he is. Any advice or hope would be appreciated.