Or is home a place within myself?

Or am I just spouting useless clichés to make myself feel better?

Hi. I'm Courtney. Pity party for one.

What I do know is my stomach hurts. Did I consume the diarrhea lettuce? Is my life about to get a whole lot harder for the next 48 hours?

I hope not.

My shift starts in an hour. My stomach is talking to me. She's making threats.

I'm trying to ignore her by watching people play disc golf. None of them are very good at it. Not that I would play much better, though.

I bet none of them are being victimized by their stomachs on this lovely July day.

It is a lovely day, too. We are no longer under an extreme heat warning, so being outside doesn't feel like capital punishment anymore.

I'm just going to take it slow today.

Wenn ich hier durch meine eigenen Beiträge und Kommentare gehe, sehe ich vor allem eines:

Verwirrung.

Mal scheine ich geheilt, mal verletzt, dann wieder schuldig, voller Sehnsucht..

Ich habe angefangen Tagebuch zu führen, seit dem ersten Tag im Krankenhaus. Nicht alles ist lesbar, meine Handschrift ist das eine Problem, die vielen Korrekturen, das Durchstreichen, die Anmerkungen, das andere.

Ich habe deine Handschrift auf den vielen Zetteln immer sehr bewundert. Du führst Tageszettel.

Einmal hast du mir erlaubt, reinzuschauen. Egal, was ich von dir las, deine Eloquenz habe ich noch viel mehr bewundert als die Handschrift. Als Sohn eines Journalisten, eines Vaters, der einen großen Teil seiner Freizeit an der Schreibmaschine saß, als jemand, dem bereits als Kind Bücher zu Freunden wurden, habe ich diese deine Eigenschaft, neben vielen anderen, sehr geschätzt.

Mein nüchterner und eher farbloser Stil, mich schriftlich auszudrücken, wird nie auch nur in die Nähe dessen kommen, was ich von dir gelesen habe.

Zurück zum Thema:

Ich nutze nun ein digitales Tagebuch.

Da ich um deine Abneigung für Social Media weiß, bin ich bisher davon ausgegangen, dass du auf Reddit unmöglich sein kannst.

Nichts was ich schrieb, war an dich adressiert. Was es nicht weniger richtig macht. Aber einseitig definitiv, denn ich habe meinen Kummer rausgeschrien, und dort kommst du nicht gut weg. In meinem Tagebuch aber schon.

Als ich kürzlich deine Likes einiger meiner Insta-Bilder fand, hielt ich den Atem an. Warum wurde mir das nie angezeigt?

Warum habe ich das nie mitbekommen?

Du bist auf Instagram!

Du verwendest DEN Namen!

Den Namen, der uns vor neun Jahren zusammengeführt hat.

Sicher ist es Jahre her, dass du auf die Fotos reagiert hast.

Heute habe ich diesen Namen hier gesucht. Es gibt ihn mehrfach.

Vielleicht bist du es, vielleicht auch nicht. Vielleicht hast du mich längst gefunden?

Vor Schreck habe ich einige dieser Profile instinktiv blockiert. Das sind sie nun aber nicht mehr.

Ich werde einige meiner Gedanken auf Reddit stellen, auch weil es vielleicht von dir gefunden wird.

Wird es dich interessieren? Ich weiß es nicht. Vielleicht ist es für dich besser, keine Informationen über mich mehr zu bekommen. Das ist nur verständlich.

Und doch werde ich dich ab und zu fiktiv ansprechen.

Im RL wird das nie mehr passieren.

Ich habe ein wenig Angst, dass all die Gedanken zu dir, zu mir, zu unserer Beziehung, zu dem, was nach der Trennung mit mir passiert ist, verblassen werden, wenn ich das alles eines Tages verarbeitet und abgeschlossen habe.

Schmerz ist der Antrieb, sich mit all dem auseinanderzusetzen. Noch ist er da. Beinahe unverändert. Aber das wird nicht so bleiben.

Und dann werde ich hier nachlesen können, was genau damals eigentlich passiert ist. Mit mir. Mit uns.

Es wird vielleicht weniger wichtig sein. Aber es wird mir auch zeigen, was sich seit dem verändert hat.

Denn ich fürchte auch, dass ich mich, uns, eines Tages nicht mehr verstehen kann. Dass ich vergesse, in welcher Intensität ich all das fühlte.

Nie vorher habe ich eine solche emotionale Achterbahn erlebt.

Werde ich später froh darüber sein? Werde ich mich für mich selbst schämen? Werde ich mir vergeben? Dir vergeben? Dir danken?

Welches Fazit werde ich ziehen in ein paar Jahren?

Been a bit slack on the reading, I’ve got 20 pages to catch up on for yesterday and today.

Been eating very well and training well. 6 miles ran yesterday and another 6 this morning

Today’s weight 93.8kg

I will update this post as the day goes.

Morning

Woke up around 5 AM from staff because I was yelling in my sleep. This is an ongoing issue that's being treated. The dream was chaotic but certainly not a nightmare like I'm used to. I also had to take a PRN because my suicidal ideation was strong this morning. I ended up sleeping in until ~11 AM.

Middle Day

Got PHP interview set up so that's good. I also finished coloring the peacock picture I started; it was an outlet for my self-harm ideation. I used colors related to self-harm (red = blood, yellow = fat, white = dermis, etc).

I really hope my bicycle and car are okay. My car is parked in a free zone, but it's been there since July 8th. My bicycle was fine during my last hospitalization thanks to my two platinum-grade locks, but I'm more concerned about being fined. Oh god that reminds me the ambulance bill.

Starting to come to terms that I will likely need to brush up on my math more than originally thought, but thankfully community college is holding my hand at every step. High school was hell for me and I barely remember anything from that time. Life was going to school, sleeping when I got home, waking up at night, repeat for 4 years. My end goal within academics is to become a registered nurse. I would love to work in psychiatry and help people like me who are going through rough times. This future doesn't always feel possible, but I know it's what's ahead.

I am worthless. I am nothing. I have nothing to offer. Maybe that’s why my wife rejects me so often. She she’s what’s she is giving up in order to sleep with me. She’s sees how big of a compromise it is. If she does so does everyone else. I’m not worth the effort, the flirting or the desire. I’m not enough. I don’t know if I will be.

So i took some magic mushrom's, in this case golden teacher for the people that know. Not my first time eighter. The one's i had i dosed slightli more and more and my highest does was about 3g-3,5g. Was nice. The first moment i feelt a little anxiety but i could calm down and put something chill on TV and laught as i started to see color's and rough textur's like my wall or my bed sheet's where moving or breathing. Was realy interesting. I also managed to cry. Like cry from the bottom of my heart. I hate my life and think about kms 24/7. I don't know when the last time i was happy was and even how it feelt. And i just sat there, huged my self cryed like a baby and was jut thankfull to be alive. That was th last time. Tho today it when pretty wrong.

My country (Germany) is solw with new med's that could help me with depression. I'm at the end of my rope and tryed every medical available to me. There are study's running and 2 specialized clinic's where you can get this treatment but i guess the demand is so high i would need to wait year's. So as a last effort i bought some more of them and was thinking maybe i could gently therapy my self. Not just completly knocking me out but just taking a little bit every few day's when i have free time and come down and get relaxed and maybe slowly over time maybe changing that i see the world as a dark place to something better. Not as a long term solution but as a help to get started till things run on them self.

So i grabed the smallest shrom, about 1/3 the amount i tryed a year or so ago and took it. I head no realy good feeling from the start. I remember the stomach aches. But man that little thing went to the stomach aches and liftet right off. I just wanted it to stop but no thing i thought about was making sence. Especialy in that state. I saw red, green and blue shadow's around every object and everything i read. At first i thought, ok thats a bit much and tryed to calm down feeling a panick attack coming my direction. I tryed to close my eye's and sleep it off, cause i feelt realy sleepy. But i felt like i get no air from the panick attack. Also the stuff i ate came back up, 4 time's over 5h. I will never again drink orange juice with mushroms. The sour taste of it made me throw up later. And then again and so on. So when i managed to close my eye's and lay down my whole body was flying. Not like gently gliding trough the air but more like... remember that meme where they rescued someone with a helicopter and that person was hanging ther mid in the air on a rope spinning like 1000 time's per second. That's what it feel's like. Like my brain getting pressed out trough my skull from the g forces. And god, the color's. I was used that there are color's when you close your eye's. But that felt more like lasers fire in your eye's. Then it realy startet going. Everything feelt like it's getting bigger and bigger. Like the whole world is in a vacum chamber and at some point i felt i'm stretched so thin i stop existing. Then suddenly everything changed and everything was so dense and every single thought i ever had was raining down on me at once. I couldn't escape my self anymore. I had no control anymore and i hated it and i couldn't defend me against any thought that came up anymore. It was horrible. I rememberd i had some Lorazepam for panick attacks and rememberd i read somewhere it can help with bad trips. So after quick research i took 1mg, 10-15min later it came right up. 10min later i took a half one. 10 min later it came right out. 30min later i took another half. came right out 15 min later. After another 30 min i took the last half and it stayed inside. That was now about 1h ago. After i feelt calmed down i feel't so sleepy i was to weak to get up anymore. Tho when i closed my eye's immediatly some picture's, collor's, and creature's came back. I honestly was scared to death but tryed to relax so i might could finaly sleep this of. Tho as i then finaly relaxed the stuff i saw was more and more horiffic. I saw something i would describe as som all mighty world ending thing, it just feelt that way somehow and that moment i could feel my sould leaving my body. I just where laying there for i don't know at least some minute's staring at this thing wich did nothing, tbh. It's precence alone was so horrific i was scared to death. I was honestly sure there is no more that can scare me to death, i was wrong.

Also i feelt extremly sad the whole time. Cause i had no one i could turn to to help me. I was thinking about calling a ambulance. But i did this once during a emergency at wich i sadly was high so i got no treatment. I had extrem chest pain for a while and my Doc said it could be a heart attack but he isn't sure and every time i show up after something like that she can't find something. So she told me to call a ambulance if it happens again. I smoked one. Feelt nothing 5-6h later i had chest pain. I waited and waited and it got worse and worse. I then started to taste blood in my mouth wich then was the straw where i called. After them watching me suffering for 8-10h after shift's switched the new nurse came and told me i can leave. I said i still have pain. She asked what pain? I said the pain why i came here. She didn't even know about that. She was told i was just high and simulating and that's it. Since then i never call emergency services again. Tbh i rather die. At least then no one has something to laugh about. Well, that went a little off topic, sorry still feel a bit high. So yeah i feelt sad and lonely that there is no one that can take care of me in such situations. My mother was in the house since i live back at her place since a year. She was annoyed as i came down and said i tokk accidentaly too much and feel like freaking out. She rather got mad at me and made the whole thing worse so i went back up, isolated, went trough the nightmare alone.

Now one part of me say's never touch that stuff again. The other one say's "Remember that moment you cryed out of joy to just be alive? Maybe next try?" I just hate depression...

God i’m sorry im not as diligent as i used to be. i don’t understand why and i wanna say im trying but i don’t know if i am i don’t know if any of what i’m going through is real. i don’t know if i’m faking this heaviness or lack thereof i feel in my heart. i don’t know if these are my experiences and emotions and mental state or if i adapted them i don’t know why i lack finding meaning in anything for myself but i can find it in others i know i could be impatient and i don’t know if all these past years i practiced patience and i just ran out or i was lying to myself thinking im patient God i’m slowly deleting evidence of me ever existing from social media. God I’m trying to limit my interactions and self with people so they don’t expect anything from me and so i could be easily forgettable. But God i think, no, believe that i AM easily forgettable whether i mean to do so or not. God I mean nothing. And i know it. I don’t think i can see it in any other way cause i tried seeing it in every other way. God no one needs me really. Let alone want me. God you don’t need me. You’re Almighty and The Creator. I am nothing but a vessel made of mud before you. A soul that will be judged to either hell or heaven. God I have taxes to pay for missed prayers but my body won’t get up i don’t know why. I owe you God. You don’t need me but i have to pay you back anyways. God why did you put me in a social universe when society doesn’t want me. Why did you put me around people only for people to discard me like i was nothing. I am nothing. But why the reaffirmations. Is it because I can handle it? God I want to be selfish for once and not handle it. But I can’t not handle it. God I can’t be hurt by others really. God i point fingers at me not them. God the first person I believe is at fault or came short with anything is me. Even though I do try a lot. God I’m so tired of reflecting and refracting. It became so intense i can hear multiple voices with different personalities in my head. So much so I can see which one of them is embodying this vessel that isn’t even really mine but yours, really. God I could handle external pressure and disappointment. I can’t handle my own. God people dislike and hate me. I’m okay with that. But God; no one hates me as much as all the different parts of me do. God I don’t even know if I’m faking or imagining those different voices and personalities in my body. God I don’t know if i believe any of what i say or think. God all i know is i’m gonna spend some time in hell because i come short with you. God I wanted to do my best and go straight to heaven but i’m not worthy. God i am aware. I can look around my surroundings and interpret accurately. I can try and help people out of the gutter. I can never be this honest with anyone in fear of them agreeing with me. I don’t want them to lose themselves. But i don’t feel lost. God i feel content because i have an answer of some sort. But God my final sin would be an even greater one. And i’m sorry i keep disappointing you. But please. Please have mercy on me and take my soul so i wouldn’t hold that sin. That’s my only selfish request. I feel disrespectful for even asking for forgiveness. I feel like i have crazy audacity to even ask for forgiveness and guidance. I am the worst muslim ever. And I am so so sorry. That’s not something I ever saw coming. I always had a sacred relationship with You. I don’t what happened. I want to remember exactly what happened but all i remember was a nosedive towards an abyss in 2021. It went rocky from there. I don’t know why. God please. I am sorry for still having the gall but if there’s one thing i want from you and never again; it’s to cease from existing in all planes of life and lack thereof.

I survived today, without contacting her, without talking to friends(I tried to but again, just ignored) just alone, no help, worked all day, worked out, cried after getting multiple nightmares, but survived. Realised my maid most definitely has a crush on me lol, spoke to me about her alcoholic husband her life struggles, she told me I’m her first friend in Mumbai in 5 years, pretty heartbreaking, my problems seemed so tiny compared to hers. Didn’t workout today, but my body is still sore as hell. I hope I don’t get dreams about her tonight, no good dreams, no bad dreams, I don’t want to think about her😞 I hope tomorrow is better.

Time of writing, 12:43 morning, i had an ok day, i spent all day on the phone with my friends, i didnt go out today, i think im gonna do laundry later. I feel fat and gross, i am gross, i feel unclean. I want clean clothes, clean skin, clean hair, but i havent had any of those all at once in months, i hate it. I wrote somestuff earlier, its all stupid. I want things to all go away, i just wanna be in a clean house and be clean and be able to go outside and do stuff. I think im gonna go to sleep now, goodnight diary

Current time of writing; 1:30 AM.

i hate philosophy, ok well thats not true, infact maybe i love it, but philosophical jackasses thinks they're tough shit. I think about the joke of "haha babies will be doing stupid baby shit and suddenly ask you a super philosophical question like "dad why do we think"", i hate the concept thats a "hard philosophical question", we think because of the fact we are living animals, the frontal lobe thinks via chemicals and shit sending signals and that part of the brain ends up coming up with all kinda of shit, we think to live and like many other animals those thoughts that were designed to keep us alive end up turning into emotional thoughts of our own individual life. I hate the thought of "We'll everything is just chemicals blah blah" because it is so useless and counter productive at a certain point, its good to know were just chemicals and that humans and brains will work a certain way most of the time, i think thats probably the foundation of psychology, but thinking that nothing truly matters because of that fact, or saying things like love arent actually real or whatever, its so worthless, you have the chemicals to process higher thought and possibly shape the world around you for every other mass of atoms and chemicals, yet you waste it putting down the chemicals that other masses possess, what worthless thoughts, though i know this has been said plenty of times before. But then again, everything is new to someone, sometimes when i find something i wouldve thought was funny when i was like 10 and then am like "this sucks and this is unfunny" i have a little part of me that says "well, it is but, im sure theres another 10 year old laughing his ass off at this rn and he'll find it just as unfunny in 6 years.

All modern philosophers are probably behind the wendys smoking crack, maybe we dont even have any right now, alot has already been said, but then again you never know what you dont know.

People dont like to say it, even if its well known, but alot of people are essentially looking for a family member when they're looking for a real relationship, people think its gross and weird, in a way it kinda is, but its not like accepting this fact will mean you find your mom hot. Personally i know exactly why i look for the kind of woman i look for, alot of the traits i want in a partner i want because of loneliness at a young age and seeing people do things i wanted to do, and then the lack of a full motherly figure in my life made me, not attracted to any traits my mother or any other figure had, but attracted to what i had lacked as a child, i dont understand why this is seen as a gross thing, well, i do, and its pretty simple but, it shouldnt be.

I dont even know what im talking about i think.

北京今年的天气真的不招人爱。每天总要阴那么一会儿。

想着，要么你下会儿雨吧。它又不理你，就那么阴着。过了那个时间，天又亮了， 知了也从午睡中苏醒了。连楼下 的娃娃们也都活跃了起来。

北京的夏天已经许久没这么凉快了。这又不像是北京的夏天。连吃冰棍啃冰镇西瓜的欲望也没了。

夏天的晚餐应该是炸酱面，吸溜吸溜地吃着。吃完再来瓶北冰洋。但现在都变了。

唯一不变的是，无论它怎么变，都是我喜欢的北京。因为它总会有些我喜欢的不变，也会变出些我喜欢的。

It doesn't matter why they did it. It's a blessing in disguise because they just showed you who they really are.

Don't confuse your worth with how other people treat you. They made a choice and that is on them.

You deserve good things in life. It doesn’t matter that you've made mistakes in the past.

What matters is what you're doing now. You're trying to be a better person.

Don't let their actions discourage you. Keep moving forward.

At that point is when I realized that I am evolving. It is not a lonely place but it is a loners city where ever I am. Yes I hear I see but then again I don't. Off I go again the weirdo of the city. Always looked over but never seen. That is a wonderful dream that I would never change. So off peacefully I go evolving.

Rain off and on today. I was looking for an auto part, and everywhere I went- auto parts, major retailer- they were sold out. Everywhere but Temu, the Chinese mail order company. Three or four varieties of what I needed. I don't know how they do it, but it's there. I tried the Temu app but didn't trust it: 1) Chinese company 2) The app was off. I know they buy the top place on the page with Google search and have a good price, but I just don't know; I will have to try them.

It was a nice day overall; I cooked dinner when I got home: leftover ribeye in a brown gravy served over white rice. I love rice; I could live on it. Will work tomorrow afternoon; we will see what happens. A little thunder and the dog has zoomies again. Lol, she's a trip.

Read for a while and turn in. Ready for bed, really.

Hope everyone has a good day tomorrow

Goodnight, Diary and my readers

I love ❤️ y'all

9:40 p.m.

Social anxiety made even checking my messages feel overwhelming. I kept imagining worst-case scenarios and rehearsing apologies I might need to give. Masking all the time is tiring. Hiding my true self so I won’t be too much drains my energy.

I’m practicing being a little more real, even if it scares me. This journal helps.

​

I loved a man... whose very presence was enough to make my heart restless.

I loved a man... every time I saw him walking toward me, I hid my scattered glances among the faces around us, afraid my eyes would betray what my heart could not.

I loved a man... after a long, exhausting day at work, he would cross my mind as I lay in bed, and somehow, he would make me smile.

I loved a man... whose sky-blue shirt could brighten my entire day.

I loved a man... his eyes, his hair, even the veins on his hands.

I loved a man... who called me "my lady." Though I belonged to no one, those words never angered me. Instead, they quietly found a place in my heart.

I loved a man... every time he came to collect his order, I served him with every kindness and every silent piece of love I had, though he never knew.

I loved a man... and I wish I never see him again.

I loved a man... and I wish he had never walked through that door.

I loved a man... and I wish that the very moment my eyes met his, the moment my heart trembled for the first time, had been erased from my life.

I loved a man... who has a wife and a beautiful child.

I loved a man... who never saw me as anything more than a restaurant employee.

I loved a man... and in my eyes, he was the finest man on earth.

I loved a man... and I fell into the trap of a trembling heart.

I loved a man... who made me leave everything behind—my future, my life—and return to my mother's home, because I knew that if I stayed, I would destroy whatever remained of me.

And here I am, in a new city, beginning again... with a heart wrapped in barbed wire, so it will never rush toward someone it can never have.

I loved a man... who destroyed my life without ever meaning to.

The fault was mine... and the heart was mine.

For no one has power over where the heart chooses to belong.s🥀

Sarah ✏️

I had a boring day today, i cleaned a bit, i dont think i ate too much today, all i did was spend all day doing like nothing besides thar and i called my friends fod a bit.

I wanted to draw today but i couldnt i got too embarrassed of my drawings and felt too ugly to draw cute stuff, i think im gonna try again tmr. Goodbye diary

Flavia, I miss you. There’s no other way around it. I miss your smile, I miss your eyes, I miss your hugs, but more importantly, I miss your company. Together we were something else. We were able to be authentic, and we loved every bit of it. I truly hope that everything is going great for you and that you’re accomplishing every single goal that you had in mind. Thank you for all the memories. I will always cherish them. Te amo mucho.

I've struggled most of my conscious life fighting a slew of eating disorders. In middle school, I would shift between binge eating, to not eating at all. It was like a constant loop, eating a bunch because I haven't eaten in a long while and then punishing myself for the binge by doing another unnecessary fast. I don't know why it all started, I was a really good weight in my preteen years, and then when I got my first boyfriend and my depression worsened, I started to binge more and rapidly gain weight my senior year of high school and for about another year following that. I gained so much weight so quickly that I gave myself many stretch marks, it looks like I was once pregnant or something. Current insecurities aside, I've just always been uncomfortable in my body for as long as I can remember. 

Today was just yet another day at work. It was really windy today, so it was super cool and breezy outside which I really needed and appreciated. Despite the lower temps outside, the insides of the buildings I clean for work can get really warm and stuffy. I don't know if it's from the buildings being old and just a lack of air flow or what, but when I get in a groove cleaning, I start to sweat, and I hate that. Before I had left for work that day though, I had air fried myself a bunch of chicken nuggets and snacked on Cheez-Itz and felt really guilty for doing so. I didn't want to eat the rest of the day because of the full feeling I had felt after my meal that morning (and by morning, I mean 3pm because that's around when I usually wake up). However, the universe had other plans for me. Now, I know this may seem gross and kinda weird but sometimes when I'm collecting trash from offices or break rooms, I like to peek at what has been thrown away because sometimes I find things that are perfectly good, unopened, and so I take and eat them. I don't honestly like that I do this, but hey, I guess it's better than letting it go to waste. And so, when I was collecting trash at one of the buildings, I found a perfectly good whole donut neatly wrapped in a paper towel. I peeked at it. I could smell it. It looked so, so delicious. I knew I was trying to cut weight, but I couldn't resist, and I ate it. Later, I had found a big freezer bag of popcorn, along with a smaller one with caramel corn, and I snacked on that, too. But I felt so guilty and horrible, I still do. 

I was hungry when I arrived home from work maybe around 12:15am, and despite that, I've told myself I will not eat anything else today until I wake up tomorrow. I know it's all so stupid but it's almost like I'm scared of food sometimes, because I know if I have one snack, my horrible mind will talk me into binging because I have such weak self-control. I have to get better, I know that. I don't want to be stick thin, because of the fact that I was once so overweight. I realized after hitting the lowest weight I've ever been around a couple months ago, that it wouldn't look natural or good on me. Besides, I work hard in the gym, and I want to maintain and build on my gains. Honestly, the gym has been such great therapy. I can't describe it, but shutting my brain off, and just focusing on feeling my body and experiencing the pain that comes with lifting- it's strangely comforting. Plus, the natural dopamine from moving my body also helps with my depression. 

Tonight, I'm writing all this before I head to the gym while my devices are charging. This is because to be real, when I get home tonight, I want to just immediately shower and run straight to the comfort of my bed. My hair has been in a ponytail all day because I've been procrastinating washing it and the weight from it being tied on my head all day is really starting to hurt (I have very long and thick hair). I just hope my workout goes smoothly at the gym, and I feel a bit better by the time I'm ready to fall asleep. It hasn't been a bad day, just work and the usual little pesky troubles I'm sure many of us face on a day-to-day basis. That's all for today, I'll see you tomorrow. 

I’ve spent the last few days asking strangers if they were okay.

People shared stories about losing parents.
Losing siblings.
Abuse.
Addiction.
Depression.
Feeling numb.

Today…

One of those strangers stopped before telling me their story and asked,

“Are you okay?”

It caught me completely off guard.

Here they were carrying more pain than I could imagine…
and they still thought to ask about me.

That simple question reminded me of something.

Kindness doesn’t come from people who have easy lives.

Sometimes it comes from people who know exactly what suffering feels like.

I don’t think I’ll forget that!!

P.S. If nobody has told you today… I believe in you. ♥️

you dealt with it because your mom had it too, you knew me without me teaching you. i’ve never known anyone more perfect for me than you. i’d never leave my boyfriend but even he isn’t as good to me as you were. how selfish of me to take you for granted and leave. i was the problem. such a perfectly sweet boy. i hope i didn’t hurt you too much.. im better now!! i’m not like that anymore, i worked on it myself and i got better! i’m healthy now, im eating better and im not underweight anymore, i moved out and away from my dad, im doing better!! please if you ever think of me please text me i just want to know you’re doing okay. i hope you have your dream girl and i hope she’s normal and perfect and beautiful. you deserve nothing short of the best. you were an angel sent from god and i was awful. i’m so so sorry im so sorry. please please forgive me.

Every time I make a small mistake or am misunderstood by someone, I overreact more than I should. I start pulling at my hair and hitting myself. Maybe it’s because I hate myself and have a short temper when it comes to my own mistakes.

I think I can understand incels to a certain extent. I feel like I’m so lonely it’s making me lose my mind. The only difference is that I don’t blame or take my anger out on others. Whatever happens, happens. But, I’d like to not die like this, alone that is.

I’m the biggest loser that’s ever been, I don’t think that there’s anyone lamer than me. Someone ought to put me out of my misery already.

My grandma wants me to get a job in cybersecurity. I hate cybersecurity, I’d rather die than pursue it. I think she hates me or is at least tired of me. I’m tired of me too.

I haven’t been outside in days, I think I’ll spend the rest of today sleeping in too. It’s the only thing I enjoy doing anymore.

I pulled an emergency sleepover card on Sunday night with S. I just wanted to fall asleep in his arms so I made up some excuse for N. Not great of me, but I was exhausted and it was 2 AM and I knew I had to get up early the next day to get ready for my camp.

My camp is going GREAT! I love this group of kids. I hope I can teach this again next summer. It’s ridiculously easy.

Monday, I was supposed to see S again in the evening, and he had said around 8ish. I decided to skip the FL munch and grab dinner at my fav Thai place and go to the lake to kill time before my date with S.

When I was leaving the Thai place, apparently S SAW me because he texted asking why I didn’t say hi! Weird coincidence. I have this issue a lot where people will say things to me or even call my name and I don’t notice. I’m just in my own little world sometimes.

I killed time at the lake and then I drove around for a while. And then time passed and passed and I was still driving around getting increasingly mad as the clock turned 9. He texted me around 8:10 saying he was almost done. I ended up driving home. Super upset. It was 9:30 when he finally called me and apologized and asked if I still wanted to come over. I said yes but the phone call ended ambiguously so I continued to cry because I didn’t hear anything for an other 20 minutes.

And then suddenly I get a call and he tells me to come downstairs. So I leave my apartment, go downstairs, and sure enough, he’s standing there outside of his car, but with a bouquet of roses, and a box of ice cream sandwiches. All my frustration melted away (just like those sandwiches) into nothing and was immediately replaced with love. I think maybe genuine love.

He took me back to his place and explained why his evening was so hectic. Drama with two people in his life. I understood.

I was exhausted and overwhelmed with the emotions of love I was feeling. Maybe not love, but deep deep care and gratitude. We cuddled and talked for a while before going to his bedroom.

OH. BIG NEWS. On Sunday I had my first period sex. I had my second on Monday. It feels just fine!! Granted my flow is not super heavy right now. S makes me feel SO good. He gets me into states of arousal that I don’t normally otherwise without the help of weed. I was so wet I surprised even myself.

Anyways. S drove me home around 1. Today went fine at work. Had a meeting with my bosses bosses about our team/ temperature check. It went well I think.

After work I texted S letting him know what my schedule will look like for the next month with moving and vacation. I am so mad I won’t be able to see him much at ALL this Friday-Monday. At least I’ll be distracted!!!! I totally locked in today with moving. I did SO much work in the loft. Thank you adderall. I noticed I was able to push myself forward and getting more done as a result because I kept finding myself thinking about how much I’ll be missing S. If I pack sooner and more efficiently, I’ll have more opportunities to spend with S. I told him this and he got a kick out of it.

I think I’m falling for S, and I think S is falling for me. It’s really interesting to fall in love with someone at a similar rate. N claimed to be in love with me as much as I was with him, but it never felt like it was true or aligned.

I want him so bad.

So far I have two moment with S I would like to commit to memory. The first— him making me popcorn while I watched him in the kitchen while high and he looked like he was performing on a stage.

The second— how loved I felt when I walked downstairs after being totally upset with him and hurt, seeing the flowers and ice cream and him standing next to his car in the dark. How easily it all melted away.

i made a terrible mistake thinking i could fight against people who have so much more than i do. my life isn't the worst possible life a human can have, but somewhere along the way i decided that i no longer cared what people said of me or how they thought of me. i was going to make as many good decisions as i possibly could. i was going to do the right thing as much as possible. i chose to never again take things that didn't belong to me or things i didn't need. i chose to always be as kind as i possibly could be and never reject someone who simply needed another human. i chose to be conscientious about my words and actions and tell the truth as much as i could.

but i was childish when i made that decision. i'm autistic and we mature slower. we spike in maturity and plateau in maturity over and over. i have ADHD and i struggle to perform basic tasks because of the way my brain works. i have PTSD and i struggle with my memory and my nervous system overriding everything else. impaired interoception, severe neglect, chronic illness. i had already fucked over so much of my life that i had a mountain's worth of struggle piled on my head. i wasn't the only one adding to the pile and i'm still not. i believed so many, many lies. i believed people mostly had good intentions and i struggled to realize that people who said things that made me feel bad were making me feel bad for different reasons in different situations.

but the biggest thing i didn't realize at first was that most people have so much more than i do. more time, more energy, more love. more freedom, more choice in what they can do at any given moment. i have been standing here underneath the mountain, slowly digging with a spoon, shifting a little at a time. growing, changing, getting stronger. but still digging. still wiping the dirt and the sweat from my eyes and believing that i could get out on my own.

once i realized i needed help, i didn't know a thing about the world or how it works. i mostly still don't. i'm on the inside of the mountain, looking out. furtively throwing rocks and whispering at people as they navigate around me. i had hoped that some people still had some love for me, and maybe they still do, but i don't know who or where they are anymore and i don't know how to explain to them what's happening to me. i don't know how to make up for what happened to them because of what i did. i don't know how to explain that i still feel in some ways that it would have been worse if i hadn't. i don't know how to fight the people who have told them the opposite of the truth for their own reasons. incomplete information, unethical gains, manipulation, the best interests of those people to the detriment of me... some of them just as hamstrung as me to explain and just as confused as them about what is the truth.

because everyone else has more. the worst of the worst have the most. everyone else compromises a little on things i just simply can't or won't compromise on. everyone else uses me for their goals, decides they know what's best for me, and refuses to just trust me a little. it's galling. i've trusted and given and bled and cried as much as i can and i always hoped there'd be enough of my goodness in the world to return to me. i find the world a cold and unfriendly place. the good i tried hardest to do twisted and used against me. the light i gave most of taken and selfishly hoarded because it no longer belongs to me.

i'm tired of my own words being thrown back at me. i'm tired of my own words being taken and repurposed to gain the things i'd hoped to gain from them. i'm sad. i'm empty. my Self is so fragile, and i try to compromise by reminding myself that not everyone is trying to hurt me, but every time i do, i lose a little more ground on the work i did need to do on improving myself and all the valid criticism people had for my honest self rather than the things i did because i had to or i thought i had to.

i have work i have to do. and the harder i try to work on things i need to work on, the more people take my fragile peace from me and try to redistribute it to someone they think more worthy of it than me.

i know more than i let on, but that doesn't make me dishonest. i deserve to feel and act and be how i feel and am. i don't deserve to be told i'm someone i'm not. i don't deserve to be told that what i've said isn't good enough and that i have to wait to be rewarded with attention when what i was asking for honesty. i don't deserve to waste my emotional energy on frustration and pain that someone gave me because i believed them when they said they weren't here to hurt me. i deserve to spend my emotional energy on the things i need to spend it on. if you want me to show you how good i can be, don't take everything from me and ask me to magically come up with more from somewhere that doesn't exist. don't wind me up day after day and then ask me why i'm not fighting. don't make me fight you and ask why i'm fighting.

i'm so tired. the longer this goes on, the worse my life gets. and maybe that's your goal. i know it is some people's goal and i have to protect myself from them. i'm starting to think you've always been on their side and that my foolish need to protect you from them is what's going to let them win. i know how to cope with everything wrong with me, but i don't know how to fit all that into reality. you've only ever been a presence i built up on some silly ideas and your flowery words and the way you touched me when you used to touch me. you're not listening to reason when you decide to treat me the way you treat me. you're not being honest when you decide for both of us without consulting me. you're not protecting anyone when you choke the life out of the things i've built for myself in your absence. you're not helping when you think i should suffer how you suffered. i already suffer how i suffer and suffered how i suffered and if i tried to put all that on you the way you're still trying to put it all on me i'd be betraying my own values.

i'm not saying it's your fault. i'm just saying that you get the option to go and sweat it all away and feel better about yourself and i have to dig with my little spoon to shift all the new rubble you piled on me when you acted that way. we are strangers, now. because nothing i remember about you is true anymore and you have no interest in what's true or isn't true about me. you want to violate me and call it a lesson. i want to reach out and have honest conversations and you want to tie and gag me and force me to accept what i get when you do. then again, you still have plausible deniability. but i remember every picture you send me more than once.

today's goal: dishes

today's activity: lying in bed all day crying because a "stranger" manipulated me