Hi all! This will be long so thank you in advance for being patient with me. Before I begin, I’d like to provide some relevant background for context.
Around age 9-10, I experimented with putting globe halves on my chest as breasts out of curiosity. In my early teens, I tried crossdressing when home alone, got caught once, and successfully buried the activity for a few years. In my mid teens, I discovered trans/shemale porn; it was new and interesting but not in the way that I wanna be like that performer. Later, I’d occasionally and anonymously crossdress, pretending to be a girl on omegle. At age 18, I became bicurious, but I’d always been with women, and dating one seriously for a few years at this point. At age 19, I gave head to a grindr guy; it only felt meh/okayish but left me wanting to try again (very horny that night; lonely from recent breakup). At age 20, I properly discovered sissy and feminization porn which became my main kinks that I always end up coming back to. At age 22, I went to third base with an FTM transman from reddit, but felt disgust and regret after the fact probably because I was not super attracted to them. I’d continue with the rare crossdressing mostly when aroused, fantasize about being with men and becoming a woman. At age 23, I opened up about these kinks to a partner for the first time. Because she was into it, we’d fantasize about my fem/bi side together. It was a pretty short but fun relationship. At age 26, I’m currently wondering if I’m trans.
I very recently came across the magic button test (full responses below). If I could press a button to become physically female with zero social impacts, I would do it. A female presentation just seems more interesting and fun. I would not press a button to turn back into a guy if everyone would’ve always known me as a woman. However, I’m a masculine guy in every way from my body language, voice, mannerisms, thoughts (except when it comes to the kinks and I guess my gender identity now?), and of course physical appearance. Nothing about my presentation is feminine, and enforcing certain things (especially in a non-aroused state) can sometimes feel unnatural and akin to a stereotypical gay person, which I don't resonate with. I feel unfulfilled in many aspects of my life including my professional, romantic, and social life.
Is this just an arousal-dependent kink and a "grass is greener" escapism coping mechanism, or am I actually on the spectrum? I’m honestly super confused and I would definitely appreciate help! I know seeing a therapist to understand myself is the better way, but I want to hear from the community members who might’ve had similar experiences. All responses are greatly appreciated!!
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Here are my responses to the magic button test questions.
One day, you are given a button to press. With that button comes a set of rules and instructions. You can press this button only one single time. If you press it, you will become physically female. All of your family and friends will have always remembered you this way and you will have no social impacts to your life for making this decision. Once you press the button, it will disappear forever. Do you press the button?
Ans. I would. At the very least, there are more upsides than downsides in doing this.
A second button is presented alongside the first button. Instead of changing your physical form, it would change your mind so that you no longer wish to be female. You will forget about the button and it will disappear forever. Do you press the button?
Ans. The reason for not pressing the button would be that I probably don’t want to forget this part of me. The reason for pressing the second button would be to remove my doubts/concerns/potential challenges and keep things simple. I’m torn on this one so i’ll go 51/49 to not pressing and pressing respectively.
You are stranded on a desert island. This island has everything you need on it to live in relative comfort - a home, entertainment, food. Several suitcases wash ashore with all kinds of different clothes, makeup, etc. How do you present yourself knowing nobody will ever be around to see you ever again?
Ans. A female presentation would be more interesting and fun. Boy mode is all I’ve known and it’s boring.
- A lifetime supply of hormones washes on shore with full instructions on how to use them. You can be certain that you can safely administer them in the same way that you would be able to if you were under medical supervision. Do you take the hormones?
Ans. Since the first part of this question said, “nobody will ever be around to see you ever again,” i would take the hormones. I know it sounds shallow (and I’m not trying to disregard their challenges) but the female way just seems more fun for me.
Suppose I told you this test was perfect at telling you who was trans and who was not, and it said to me that you are 100% transgender. How would that make you feel?
Ans. That would overwhelm me and change my reality, as I’ve always known, in substantial ways. One, my doubts as to whether my kinks/interests are solely arousal-dependent or not would go away. Things would probably make more sense. I’d feel a little more mentally rested and not confused like I am with this stuff usually. I’d also feel anxious about my future and which direction I should take it into because the process of transition is still not a magic button should I decide to do it. Not being able to transition knowing i’m trans might leave me unfulfilled.
What if I told you the test said you are NOT transgender, how would that make you feel?
Ans. Idk. I’d understand that my fem interests are just kinks and should remain in the bedroom if at all. I would try to think less and less about this. But I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to suppress it considering how strong it evidently is. I won’t be disappointed per se at being told that I’m not trans because the idea that I could be is literally a day old so I haven’t emotionally invested myself into it as such to feel that disappointment.