As I’m writing this, my chest feels tight and my tears will not stop. They just burst out of nowhere. I can’t sleep and eating is a nonnegotiable. I honestly thought I’d be doing better because it’s been coming for a while.
Dashy is 13 years and 2 months. I’ve had him since he was 6 weeks old. It seems like he’s had ibd for as long as I can remember but 5 years ago he was diagnosed with cushings. Shortly thereafter, hypothyroidism, anxiety and a mild heart murmur. After a routine yearly “old man” blood and urine visit, I received a call from our veterinarian. It was October 19, 2023. She called to let me know that she wanted me to take him to an oncologist because she was fairly certain he had cancer in his bladder.
After visiting the oncologist, it was confirmed that he had inoperable transitional cell carcinoma. I won’t go into details about the oncologist because it makes me furious but we thought we only had 6-9 months left with him. (He’s never been back to the oncologist btw)
Since then, I have obsessed over whether he has a full stream or not. Just constant monitoring. I think when you have a part of you that is terminal, you don’t really realize how much things have changed until it smacks you right in the face. You’re so worried about medications and appointments and every little change in their behavior that you just keep your head down and ensure they are not in pain and still living a good life.
He’s a super high energy dog and toy driven like a madman! He loves everyone in our home but since we brought him home, he chose me as his person. I’m so grateful for this. He has been by my side, steady and unwavering since day one. Fortunately, the tumor was very slow growing and with daily peroxicam, it stayed that way for a good long time.
Until June of last year, he hadn’t had any blood in his urine which is usually how people find out their baby has cancer. He started very light spotting here and there and we were told it’s when the tumor moves that it bleeds. I started to ask the vet how I’ll know when it’s time, even back then. She said the chances of a blockage were low but that she was sure he’d let me know. About 3 months ago his anxiety had him vomiting after vet visits for his pain shot for spinal stenosis. He hates the vets office and now he was going monthly.
Before then, you would have zero clue that he had anything wrong with him. This is also when he decided that he hated his prescribed food (Sign #1). He would also have days where the blood would be all over the house. Spots everywhere (Sign # 2) He had always made life difficult in regard to giving him his meds. He’d find his medicine no matter what I put it in. I was spending between $30 and $50 a day on different burgers or groceries to try to find something he’d take for 2 days until he realized meds were in it. He’s never been food driven so it made it difficult from the start because he’s so finicky. By 3 1/2 weeks ago at his vet appointment, the vet decided to check the size after I said he has a full stream but he keeps trying to urinate after he’s done like when you have a uti (Sign #3).
I found out that the tumor had grown exponentially, hence the amount of blood prior, and now almost filled his bladder when fully expelled. As I’m writing this and reading it, I know people may think “well yeah, duh! Of course these were signs you idiot!” But until it became impossible to give him treats with meds (Final sign), I was completely focused on daily care that soon became hourly. I have a whiteboard on my fridge with every medication and dosage amount with times and boxes to cross out. It kept me on track and anyone else in my home aware of what he needed and when. Vet appointments were listed too. I had my phone alarm set at all hours because some of his meds would change times if he refused the pill.
The day before his final vet appt, July 16th, he refused food and treats. That was it. That was the day I knew we wouldn’t make him any further appointments. I feel so connected to this amazing being and I was so deep into what he needed and when that I didn’t step back and look at this nightmare of a whiteboard. Seriously, what was I thinking?!
Since Friday (after his pain shot), the only meds he’s had are Emprev (I asked my vet for this instead of zofran because it’s once a day) for nausea and gabapentin. My oldest daughter comes over and plays with him and administers his pills. It’s quick and he’s not shaking afterward like when I did it. He’s been eating fresh cooked salmon and rice and his favorite beef treats. The Emprev helps the ibd so he can keep it down and eat as much as he wants. I made teeny (pill sized) football shaped turkey balls to give as treats and to use, in case she’s late or can’t make it in time to give him his meds. It’s once a day so it’s not been an issue.
After reading this, I’m almost embarrassed to post it but I need somewhere to get it out. To have it documented that he was here. He’s still very much here. He’s snoring away right by my foot. Anyway, I called Lap of Love and the woman on the phone said “oh, you called us on the same day exactly one year ago for information on pricing for Kopi.” I knew August 1st was the 1 year anniversary but had no idea when I had started calling for information. I had been grieving him so much that dates, outside of the final date, were wiped away.
Wednesday at 5pm is going to change my life forever and destroy my heart.
Mommy loves you Dashy. You have been the best snuggle bean on the planet and my life has been so much better since the day you arrived. I’m so sorry about all of this and I hope you know that I tried everything I could to keep us together for as long as possible but you deserve to go out on a good day and those bad days are starting to far outweigh the good. I will be with you until the end and I’ll carry you with me for the rest of my life. It’s almost ni-night time, Beanie.