My life led me down a path I would've thought unimaginable. I'm struggling while in a shelter with environmental triggers. Seeing extreme poverty on the daily has worn down my defenses. I don't wanna pick up. Im hopeful that tomorrow is a brighter day.

TL;DR: The toxicity risk is real I found out the hard way cuz I am an idiot.

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I had no doubt in my mind that seizures won't happen to me, that is because I thought I have been using them for 6 years now, never had or seen anyone have seizures in that time.

But yeah apparently it is real and i am an idiot.

I am afraid that I might try to undersell the horrifying emotional torture I gave to myself this time, I feel very repulsed with substances but I can't guarantee it will last forever, the repulsion.

But leaving future in itself's hand, for now in present I think its a celebratory time,. I won't need to actually celebrate though, I just want a break from everything.

I am utterly exhausted,

I am sick of feeling like crap

and starting back from zero.

I have been sober just under two years now. I started doing drugs at 18 when I was really struggling with my mental health and I didn’t know how to cope. I used to smoke about 7-8 joints a day, whenever I couldn’t get to sleep I would do half a bag of keg, and I would need a few lines of coke throughout the day to get me through work. Anytime I felt like I was going to harm myself which was nearly everyday I would just smoke myself into oblivion or do about 2-3 grams of ket so I was physically incapable of doing anything, towards the end I really felt like I didn’t have any control over the coke and I would often just hole myself up in my room and snort 2 maybe 3 grams of coke all night until it was all gone and spend the rest of the night crawling in the floor collecting dust to snort in hopes some crumbs had fallen on the floor. Between the ages of 21 and 23 I tried to take my own life about 8 times usually when I was on a comedown or when I didn’t have drugs to numb the pain. I was under mental health services at the time and spent a good bit of time in hospital, I was told repeatedly that my use was bad, but I was very much in denial and often felt like they were just being dramatic or trying to come up with excuses not to help me.

I really did feel like without drugs I would be dead, when I did give it up my mental health was absolutely horrendous but weirdly I didn’t experience a huge amount of cravings or a desire to go back to it. I have always been a bit confused about whether I should call myself an addict, on paper I was definitely addicted and I’m coming to terms with that more now than I did before. Since giving up drugs my life has been better than ever, I have a great job I am really passionate about, I have gone back to college to finish my degree and I am so grateful. When I look back I barely recognise the person I was, and I am scared of ever going back to that place. Recently I actually started getting cravings again which I didn’t really expect, and it has made me reflect a little more on my drug use and addiction. I kind of flip flop between recognising that 7-8 joints a day and anywhere between 3-5 grams of coke and ket every week is far beyond just using it for a bit of fun and thinking that actually the drug use wasn’t that bad and I was maybe just a college student who took it a little too far. Maybe it’s just another form of denial but it’s been confusing me lately and I wonder if other people have similar experiences, and how do you pick it all apart?

i don’t know what reddit page to go to for help so i apologize if this is not the right one and would love to be pointed in the right direction

my best friend has started to take heroin, meth, and crack a little less than 2 weeks ago. has started living out of her car. has been struggling with her mental health severely over the last couple of years and become an alcoholic about 9 months ago.

i don’t know wtf to do or how to help her get better. i am the only person in her life besides her new boyfriend who got her into all of these drugs. no family. no other friends really.

edit: i guess what im truly asking is do i give her a tough love approach where im honest in saying how i feel and how bad this is? i dont want to make it seem like this is normal and okay but not addressing it but i also dont want her to feel judged or push her away.

ALSO since shes only been taking these 3 drugs for about 2 weeks - how bad is the addiction? or is there not a true addiction formed yet? i have no idea what these drugs are like or what they do (all i know is what it looks like on tv when its been years ongoing if that makes sense)

Good day. I have scarring on both inner crooks of my elbows. I’ve heard Witch Hazel can help. Any recommendations? If I want to cover them up but not be conspicuous what makeup should I get that’s sweat proof? Thank you!

Sorry in advance if I'm in the wrong sub, I'm not really an experienced reddit user etc.

My sister (32) is addicted to few things. It started with coca cola since she was in her teens and she still drinks it more than water. Then cigarettes. Then coffee and caffeine. Now, painkillers and sleeping pills. The painkiller she takes has opiods and is recommended to NOT be taken more than 3 days in a row and yet she pops them everyday like candy...

The sleeping pills are the newest addition. The kind you need to have prescribed. She lied to our dr. (without our knowledge) that she could never have a good night sleep and got the pills that way. Before that, she kept stealing them from our grandma.

She keeps stealing any other painkillers and sleeping pills (even melatonin) from the family members that live with her. I live in another country.

Our grandma keeps enabling her while the others are aware and are trying to keep the stuff away from her.

She doesn't have a job so she asks us to give her money for cigarettes when we caught her too many times in her lies and saw the pills. Unfortunately the painkillers can be bought otc.

She started rapidly losing weight, always getting cold even in this insane hot weather, irritable for the tiniest things to the point of verbally threathening and worst of all... suicidal.

We have witnessed her reach her breaking point in the middle of a heated fight with our dad (who was and is always a source of stress and hate and her biggest trigger) and at the end of it she tried to end her life then.

We stopped her thankfully but that was a huge, heartbreaking and traumatizing scare and even though she calmed down and convinced us she was just lost in the moment and wouldn't do it, I am now forever haunted and afraid for her.

Few weeks later, I couldn't take it anymore and had to try to talk to her as gently and helpfully as I could.

I told her we could all see she was hurting so much to the point of wanting to end her life and not caring for herself and that we knew that she was using. To know that we're there for her and there is always hope and she could rely on us.

She got defensive and angry. I was extremely hurt.

Later on, we spoke again and she told us that if she feels like she will truly need our help, she will come to us. But I can't help and think that she just wanted us to zip it and leave her be. She doesn't seem to understand how much this affects us as well. And how absolutely terrifying it all is.

I forgot to mention that our younger sister (28) noticed odd things about her. Sometimes she seems like a zombie, eats almost half asleep and like food will fall from her mouth. Anger outbursts where she practically fought our dad, few times. Sleepwalking where she took off all her clothes....could be more but my brain is too tired to remember.

I am heartbroken for her and feel powerless. Worst of all I am petrified if something horrible happens to her if she doesn't do something herself, if my younger sister finds her dead or her health starts deteriorating sooner than later...

Wth can be done? Nothing? I know that usually you cannot force someone to go to rehab or stay in a facility for such issues. I wish we could.

I can't accept the fact that no one and nothing can help her except herself because I know for a fact she doesn't care for herself or ever would want to put in any sort of effort in a change/healing.

If anyone even reads this or replies, I would be sincerely thankful.

So I’m not sure if this is the right group to ask or start a discussion in… I guess I’m stuck and lost and have been for a long time. Sorry if it’s not and sorry this is so long!!!!
I (24F) am a drug addict. I have been addicted to fentanyl since I was about 18. I have been diagnosed with bipolar 2, borderline personality disorder, cPTSD, severe anxiety, and ocd. I drank, a lot, and did the “party drugs” (coke, Molly, psychedelics) regularly, but fentanyl was the first “serious” drug I ever did. I remember I hit a blue and my head went back and no bullshit, I thought “this I gonna ruin my life.” And it has.
I guess I feel I was destined for drugs. My entire family, both sides, are generations of addicts. Addiction has rampaged its way through my paternal family, leaving abuse, generational trauma, neglect, more addiction, for as long as, and as far back, as the oldest living member of that side of the family can remember. On the other side of my family addiction (as far as I know) goes back as far as my grandparents, my mothers parents. However, it could be much further back as they are “perfect, have no issues, and would never be like my dad’s side of the family.” I remember drugs being a part of my life since before I have any other memories.
Through my childhood I was neglected and took on a lot of the stereotypical “big sister” role to my little sister. She remembers life much differently, which I’m so thankful for, because I took all of the shitty parts and tried to shield her from them.
(She turned out amazing, if you’re curious! She’s 20 and just had her first baby with her longtime boyfriend and moved away to manage an ice cream shop and start over!!! Sure she has her issues, but she is the sweetest, most kind, empathetic, caring girl to ever come out of a fucked up situation like we did. My boyfriend says she’s good because I protected her, but I can’t take the credit, she’s good because she is GOOD!!! She knows what I’m going through and why (for the first time in my life) I’m not really talking to her much, and sends me messages like “I don’t know what you’ve been going through or how you’ve been lately, I just miss my sister. Please call me when you can, there’s no pressure to fill me in yet if you aren’t ready, I can do all the talking lol. Even if that means I have to blow you up I’ll do it, I promise there’s nothing that will ever change my mind about you, i will never be disappointed or judge you, I might try and steer you in the right direction but I will never fault you for the things you’ve been through. I know you also probably feel a lot of guilt and embarrassment but I need you to know you don’t have to feel it towards me, and if it helps I forgive anything that would make you feel that way. I love you sister.” SHE IS SO GOOD!!!!)
But because of my childhood- which sucked and was shitty and a lot of horrible things happened to us, but I feel like it’s most drug households with little kids… maybe I minimize shit, but every child to drug addicts has a shitty, fucked up childhood… right…? Idk.
I do drugs with my parents, the people who should have loved me and protected me and our parental/child relationship is ruined.
Sometimes I hate myself because I am not angry. Maybe I should be angry. I SHOULD be angry!!! About a lot of shit. But I see the gray area of things. I should be mad that people did bad things to me. But I’m not. I am so sad for those people and their insecurities, or their traumas, or whatever let them to do me how they did me. I’m not mad at my parents. It’s their first time on this earth too. They were abused far worse than I ever was. They are just fucked up, broken kids, who wanted to be loved by their parents, just like me… I’m hurt by my parents for things they were hurt/mad at their parents for… I should be mad. But it’s just not in my heart to be mad. I am too empathetic. I want to understand why people do the things they do and why they hurt me, not be angry. Holding anger, resentment, or even hate, in my heart does NOTHING for me. It’s a waste of space I feel.
I know everyone says “you have to want to get sober” and “you can only do it for you” and all the other stuff. And I really truly feel I want to get sober. I HATE this. I hate getting sick. I hate the person I am. I HATE that my parents aren’t really my parents and are now people who take advantage of me and rip me off. I hate that things I have spent my whole life disliking about my parents, i know see in myself. I hate all of it. But I feel stuck. If I get sober I’m not gonna have anyone… my whole family, everyone I know and have spent my ENTIRE life with and around, uses… they’re not gonna change and get sober and I’m not gonna be able to spend my time w the people I spend all day everyday with now. I just am stuck. I love my family. I’m extremely, very much an ugly amount, codependent on them… I feel like they raised me to be their yes man, someone to take care of their kids so they can get high (and I do, I have raised several of them!!!!), someone to find drugs when they can’t, and take care of their homes, and pay their bills when the water or electricity gets shut off… I was raised to be the adult.
I want to get sober and be better and be someone who breaks my generational traumas. I KNOW I can be better!!! I just, again, feel like I’m stuck and I don’t wanna be alive anymore tbh.
So… if ANYONE has gone through anything similar, please, does it get better???? I just need SOMETHING to grasp at, to have hope for, to maybe inspire me? I really don’t know.
If you read all of this, THANK YOU!!!!! I know it was long, and I’m trauma dumping so maybe it doesn’t make much sense, but thanks, really.

Still searching after a few months and I'm not giving up.

I'm at meetings almost daily and reading everything I can get my hands on. But I still don't have a person. Someone I can actually call when it's a bad day.

I'm really ready to work the steps. I want to learn from someone who's already done it.

Females only please. Virtual is fine, we could do Zoom, or in person if you're close. If you feel called to reach out I'd be so grateful 😊

Hello. I am desperate with my brother now. Here is my story: I am the oldest son of my family with two siblings: one younger sister and one younger brother (all of them are over 40s and had their own families). My brother got married when he was 22 with his classmate and my nieces are 17 and 18 respectively. My brother divorced about 10 years ago because of his addiction. The reason why he became a junkie was out of question and I had no ideas why and how he took it. But he moved to live with my parents. After he moved in and he was very disobidient and notorious with my mom and dad. My father passed away not long ago after he moved because of cancer. My brother and my mom live in our house since then. His daughter came and visit our house sometimes with the kids of my sister (two boys). 8 years ago he was caught in the act for procuring heroin and sent some years in prison and later sent to rehab. He was released around 3 years ago and keeps hanging out with other junkies and addicted again. He has now become more uncontrollable and abused my 70yo mother who has to cook for him. He sometimes lied my mom to ask for money and if my mom did not give him, he destroyed stuffs like cooking pots, fans, curtains etc. He often swears at my mom caddishly (very much ill-bred). For I have to work far from home about two hour flight and don't stay at home, and I CAN'T LIVE with him a single day. I only call my mom to check the situation. The question is to get the local police involved and I heard that now it seems my brother becomes the decoy for them. (I mean to hint other junkies and sellers for them). Are there any similiar stories out there? Any advice for me how to deal with those? Any successful case to send him to the rehab? It's tough for our life or should I give up and disconnect with him forever? Thank you!

hey everyone, so i hit 6 months sober last week and honestly it feels a bit like a plateau. i thought it would feel amazing, but i’m just kind of floating through life now. i didn’t expect this part to be tough. some days are okay, but others... not so much. just wondering if anyone else felt this way and how you dealt with it. would love some advice or just to hear your experiences. thanks for being here!

Long story short - my sibling called me this weekend saying he's going into a 30 day inpatient rehab place in 2 weeks. He was light on the details as the reason for his call was trying to get me to drop my life and move into his home for the 30 days he'll be away.

He gave me some ridiculous story about planning to go in for a while and faking a cough at work that became worse and worse, leading to a few sick days, and then the fake cough getting so bad he has to take 30 days off from work.

I'm wondering if anyone can help me know what to expect.

I'm going to call the facility tomorrow and ask about visitations and if there's any family counseling sessions. Frankly, I'm hoping not as I think him having 30 days to face his addictions on his own will help.

He seems to be looking past it talking about all the things he's going to do once the 30 days are over, including a trip to come visit me. So, I don't feel like he's a great source for info.

3 days ago

honestly, i’m super proud of myself for hitting 90 days, but i also feel anxious about what’s next. the cravings are still there sometimes, and it’s like i’m just waiting for something to go wrong. trying to focus on the positives and take it one day at a time, but it’s tough. does anyone else feel this way when they hit milestones? how do you handle the mixed emotions?

Currently taking about 600 mg of 7oh daily and in about a week going into detox and I'm sure I'll be getting put on Suboxone. I was wondering if there's anybody that was taking 600 mg or more and then got put on Suboxone. Did it actually work for you? How long did you wait before you took it? How bad were the restless arms and legs? Did you get restless arms? It's one thing that I get with it in my upper back area. I take 150 mg in the morning fpr sculiosis back pain and manage through the day of 50 to 100 mg after that. Been taking it for a year and in the past month my tolerance shot way up due to working a new construction job and its caused alot more damage and back pain. Please tell me your stories, id be very grateful to hear your process. Also is others having suicidal thoughts just thinking of having to detox and the withdrawal process? Im getting them from the withdrawal process being so afraid but moreso is having to deal with that debilitating back pain coming back and not hearing stories of people having much relief when switching to suboxone for pain relief.

Been clean from opioids, benzos, and alcohol for 100 days now.

I relapsed a couple years ago after having a couple years clean. Just recently got sober again, and I’m sure a lot of people can relate to starting to dream again at night. When I was in active addiction I had zero dreams, and now they’re incredibly vivid every night.

The thing is, they seem like they would be nightmares. I have dreams about actively using again, getting high, living in trap houses, running from the law, hanging with my dealers, overdosing, etc.

but I LOVE THEM. I look forward to them every night. It feels like the only thing I’m looking forward to. I miss the chaos and the highs so much. The dreams feel so real that I really do feel like I’m getting high again. I love it. And I miss it. And i’m scared that they’ll stop. They honestly feel like the only thing that is keeping me from relapsing in real life.

Can anyone relate? Any advice? I don’t even know why I’m posting this. This did t happen the first time I got clean.

Anyways, good night. I seriously can’t wait to dream again tonight.

I don’t know if this is ok to post here as I know lots of these posts are focused on substances etc and this is something quite a bit different. I think I’ve been quite addicted to AI. When I’m studying I can spend so many hours (sometimes over 10 on a bad day) using ChatGPT to write stories etc. I use it to try and distract myself as I have really bad OCD and sometimes feel like I want to be somewhere I’m not which is why I use it if that makes sense. I really want to stop using it and I delete the account but when I do I just redownload it and it’s a cycle. Is there anyone who has any advice of how to stop this?

I started like a lot of people did. I got hurt. I had congenital spinal stenosis no one caught until after i was i in a car accident.

First doctor looked at how heavy i was and told me diet and exercise would fix whatever was wrong with my back. I tried for a year, it was miserable. I was in pain everyday and nothing she suggested helped. It felt like a snake was constricting my spine to the point of snapping. Long hours laying in bed my legs angled to take pressure off my back, just staring at the ceiling with gritted teeth. I isolate, get depressed, start ignoring my girlfriend. I'm 20 and old before my time. I could barely use my left leg by the end.

Over Christmas I'm moving so badly my family insists i get a second opinion , i finally get an x-ray and i have 2 severely herniated discs in my lower back. The doctor sets surgery for my 21st birthday. It goes great, i pull my own iv out i'm so eager to move around the hospital. I was still tender but the constant pain was gone. All but a dull twinge that would shoot up from time to time and make me nervous all this relief was temporary.

I tell the nurse and they discharge me with a 3 months supply of Vicodin for the pain.

And that's how i take it, at first. I feel the twinge and i start to break out in a cold sweat, so scared I'm going back to staring into space just wishing it would all go away. But the pills make that go away they kill the twinge.

Well why even wait, i think and i take them before. I measure the minutes between when I'm allowed to. I set an alarm on my phone and the minute it goes off i take another pill. Sure i'm out of it but I'm happy and pain free. No worries if i miss a few classes or lose some nights. I'm just using it how the doctor told me to.

Well by now I'm falling behind in all my classes again and it's not just the pain they work on they do wonders for the stress. So i take them with my anxiety meds. I debate going to class at all anymore, my girlfriend pressures me to go one day and i sit down to a final i didn't even know was happening.

I'm so high when i do that my only thought is "shit glad i came". I start failing. I get letters from the school i just stack on my desk. I'm back in the bed all day again. I start questioning my , pre med , girlfriend about what to say to get them to re up my prescription.

she asks me when the last time i was in pain I can't remember. Can't remember the last time i felt the twinge or that terror or anything.

She gets me to stop using them, but then comes the comedown and the vomiting and shitting and screaming and all i want is to take more. I do, i hide it from her.

Then the script runs dry. I buy more from a friend of a friend at a party. I keep this up, i start just cruising the college neighborhoods looking for parties to crash. finally something goes very wrong. I wake up in the hospital. My girlfriend is there, so is my mom. My mom who fought so hard to get clean after messing up when i was a kid. My mom who's been sober for years looking down on me with all the fear in the world on her face.

When i get out i toss my pills. After i detox i can't believe how bad things have gotten. My environment is disgusting, the letters are about my potential expulsion, My roommates are getting ready to kick my ass because they've been forced to cover my part of the rent.

I start putting the life i blew up over the last 12 weeks into place. I have to beg to stay in school but they let me and i finish, even if it's just by the skin of my teeth. I pay my friends back,. I start working on recovery.
I marry the girlfriend, we have kids together, i get my law degree and start practicing.

I still think about it every single day. I think about how much easier it would be to check out of my life again, lose everything again. 13 years later and i still haven't. I share my fears, i live with them. I trust in others when i can't trust myself. I can't unmake the mistake but i can stop it happening again. And if it's true for me it's true for everyone here.

I had 2 years clean and been in a program on and off since 2019. Ive been relapsing for a year and a half and really fucked my life over to extreme. I have 4 days clean and went to my first meeting back last night. My non sober friends are going to the club tonight and usually I'd go but im scared im going to get fucked up so im going to a meeting instead. I used to be able to go to clubs/raves clean but I feel like a loser i cant do that again. I dont even think I could be around my family with them having one glass of wine without being triggered right now. I feel so pathetic. I feel dumb for ruining my life all over again. I want to go out dancing to the clubs its what I loved to do even sober. My best friend smokes weed for pain so I cant even be around that right now. It just all feels pathetic and lonely. I cant imagine myself spending my life in a circle in uncomfortable chairs for the rest of my life not being able to be a normal person and go out.

hey everyone, just wanted to share some good vibes. today marks 6 months since I last used, and honestly, it feels surreal. some days are tougher than others, but I’ve learned to lean on my support system and pick up new hobbies. the cravings still come, and they can be intense, but I’m finding ways to manage them. just wanted to say thank you to this community for all the support and inspiration. we got this!

Growing up with an addict father and mother, losing my dad as a result of his addiction, having my mom in recovery, and eventually having my own addiction raise its head, this struggle has been with me in some way my whole life.

And still, I would not change a single day of my past.

When things were good, they were really good. I had so much fun along the way. I laughed hard. I loved people. I lived loudly. There were beautiful moments in the middle of all the chaos. ❤️

But I learned something while coming to terms with my addiction, and while finally reaching a place where recovery no longer felt like I was losing something.

For a long time, my addiction, my substances, felt like a superpower.

They helped me speak to crowds.
They helped me stand up for myself.
They helped me feel brave.
They helped me feel like I could finally be the version of myself I wanted to be.

It was a solution.

And for a while, it worked.

Until it didn’t.

When I tried to stop, the identity I had built around myself was terrified. It felt like if I gave up this perceived armor, I might disappear with it.

I was scared I would never be able to make friends.
I was scared I would never be able to party.
I was scared I would never be accepted for who I really am.
I was scared that without it, there would be nothing left of me.

But realizing that is what set me free. 🌱

When I finally took the leap and stood up in a meeting, or put myself out there honestly, I found something I did not expect.

People were more receptive to me.

Not less.

And not just any people, either. The right kind of people. The kind of people who saw me, not the mask, not the performance, not the chaos.

Me.

I realized that I did not need to carry the identity of “an addict” as the whole story of who I am.

Yes, it is part of me.

But it is not all of me.

It is actually a very small part of me.

So I embraced it.
I stopped running from it.
I let the shame go. ❤️

And you know the funniest thing?

I was so scared to tell people about it. I thought they would judge me, pity me, or look at me differently.

But most of the time, people have the opposite reaction.

They say:

And that still catches me sometimes. Because for so long, I thought this thing made me weak.

Now, every day, I wake up.
I check in.
I get dressed.
I go outside.

Even when I am scared, I go and find someone to talk to. About anything. Not just recovery. Just life. Just being human.

I gave up the idea that I constantly needed to say:

Now, I just introduce myself as myself.

Because I am not only my addiction.
I am not only my past.
I am not only the worst thing I survived.

I am Michael.

And I am still here. 🤍

Recovery is not one great big change. It is a thousand little choices every day, made to bring joy and fulfillment into your life, and into the lives of the people around you.

I love who I am now.

No need to hide anymore. ❤️

hey everyone, just wanted to share that today has been tough. it's one of those days where cravings hit hard and my mind is racing with old memories. I'm trying to stay grounded and remember how far I've come, but it's like i'm fighting an uphill battle. if anyone has been through this, how do you cope when the struggle hits? I could really use some support and tips right now. thanks for listening.

Hey I'm 29 M from Canada coke addict looking for a sponsor to talk to my life has gone downhill the past few years I would like to have someone to talk to

hey everyone, just wanted to share that today marks 3 months clean for me. honestly, it feels surreal. there are tough days, but when i look back at how far i've come, it helps so much. just trying to take it one day at a time and appreciate the little victories. if anyone else is coming up on a milestone, give yourself a pat on the back! recovery is a journey, not a destination. keep going! 💪

Hey guys, so I am officially off methadone. My last day taking it was July 1. I was at 3 mg for about 2 weeks and then cut in half myself for about 7 or 8 days and then stopped taking it. Withdrawal is minimal except for the fatigue. I am SO exhausted all the time. Like even just standing or walking around leaves me so drained and tired. All I wanna do is lay down. Is that normal for coming off 1 or 2 mg? Can anyone give me some natural ways to boost energy aside from the obvious things like drink water/go for walk? I just wanna feel normal and have energy 😭