So I recently talked about how just out of control Shiti bank is these days so I asked reddit about a credit union and they all were screaming Schwab so I went over there big mistake. See wife got mad that shiti bank put hookers and blow in the memo of my $9999 withdrawals from the bank. She made me go to AA and a sex addiction therapist and is always making these cringe facebook posts about how I've changed and I'm a Christian man these days. I make sure Suicide boys are playing when I park my car at night so she can see I'm listening to worship music, I keep things legit if they look legit they are legit Dave Ramsey as fuck yall.

So banking with Schwab has been pretty cool so far but there is just one problem. See my girl is a now pentecostal ex Dancer from Big Willies Club. Its pretty well known in that community we are not a part of that if you are a Casino or a Strip club guy that Schwab is the Patron Saint Bank of this kinda person since they will refund the ATM fees no matter how expensive.

So the other day I was with my Lady at Applebees taking advantage of the 2 for $25 special. I went to the ATM for some walking around money for after and took out some chump change like a grand. I get back to the table and my girl has this look on her face. She's like "BABY THIS IS AN APPLEBEES WHY ARE YOU GOING TO AN ATM Your Phone says you Withdrew $1000 from Schwab, ARE YOU BACK AT THE CLUB!". So I started saying the usual about how everyone uses Schwab bank and I would never go back to the club or buy hookers or blow and I just needed a grand out of the ATM for some girlscout cookies or some twizzlers or some shit. Then she started crying and shouting even louder making a whole scene in the Applebees saying: "FIRST YOU PULL OUT $90k out of SHITI now you are with the fucking STRIP CLUB BANK why do you need all that cash and unlimited ATM refunds if you aren't buying dances".

So I did the only thing I could think of I said "Its for the Lord baby". This made her leave she literally knocked over a chair and was like "Its thursday Motherfucker I need a new man".

TLDR My bank broke us up always use a credit union

I went to this one bank Shiti and they behaved so badly that I never want to go to a bank again. I withdrew $9,999 per day and in the memo put as a joke put hookers and blow. They said that withdrawing just under $10k a day and a total of $90k is suspicious behavior. How can not being poor be suspicious!!!! A credit Union would never do this, Shiti Bank is a bank for poors.

Whenever I am stressed, I feel like having a sandwich. I'm trying to lose weight.So instead, I look at my portfolio to calm down.

But I sit in an open space, and I can't show everyone that I have 200 million on my screen.

As a result, my anxiety peaks and I eat chocolate.

How to break this vicious cycle?

So I was going about my daily business trying to stay alive. I've just spent 90 hours in my retail gig. I have 1 dollar for food, which I decide to hand to a homeless person. I can always eat my own left arm for food (the other I've efficiently partially eaten and frozen to hedge for rainy days).

Suddenly Dave Ramsey steps in and steals the bill. Immediately he launches into a sermon over having an emergency fund and investing in the lentil industry. Before I know it he's billed me for a "professional consultancy and appearance" which requires payment in 30 days. This can be extended upon the deposit of my remaining eyeballs and ethereal soul.

It is at this point I gain my courage. His pockets are bulging with stolen merchandise, welfare checks, and poorly manufactured eyebrow trimmers. I launch at him to teach him a lesson, but he makes a quick getaway on his unicycle.

So, I typically spend $500 just for myself at the grocery store per month, but I have a family of 4. I feel like... There's gotta be a way to get that down. But hell, a pack of grapes is $10!

On top of that, I spend an extra $25,000 a month on Doordash, and I pay $80,000 a year for my personal chef, both of which are extremely necessary expenses since my wife and kids apparently can't eat just spaghetti sauce and ramen all month (Idk, I see them occasionally, but I keep them on the other side of my mansion away from my hookers). Then, I have a vacation budget of $40,000 for lobsters and steaks on South Beach, Miami.

I really don't see how people are making it. What are you cutting back on?

Considering I've been dollar cost averaging for years my average cost per gallon is actually pretty low. Stop bitching.

If you only recently got a driver's license and your first car all you have to do is wait for a massive dip in oil prices at the gas station display and buy aggressively.

beef doubled, gas is up again, rent is insane, groceries cost like $80 for 3 things. Idk how anyone is supposed to even get to work anymore.

I keep hearing people complain about barely affording food and transportation and I thought they were joking. Turns out they were serious?? Is this actually a thing going on right now?

Sadly the people saying this are the employees at my 14,448 franchises, and now they keep asking for “more than minimum wage” which is honestly really disruptive to my plans of buying another boat.

Any advice on replacing them with robots or maybe orphans? Preferably something that doesn’t need breaks, sick days, or HR. Or some type of workforce that doesn't speak really, would be ideal.

I can provide gruel and lentils if it keeps their salaries and complaints downi guess

Hi guys.

I'm 40 years old and have just paid off my mortgage (yey go me) but life's not as rosy as you might think.

I only have........£140k in my pension. *Shudders*. What can I do? Will I have enough to retire? I feel like I'm destitute, I'll even work a little bit longer (but not quite till state pension age) but how on this good green earth can I put more money into my pension? Will I have enough?

Oh yeah, also my wife works as a teacher and gets a 28.6% employer contribution to her pension but still even with that, how will we ever have enough?

The mind boggles, please help me flex understand what I can do if I even make it if that far hehe

Toodles

I'm quite confused about all these 'first 100k' posts. They all talk about how the first 100k are supposed to be the hardest. Which doesn't make sense to me. An around the world yacht race is about 80k kilometers (also in sea navigation we use miles so about 45k miles). Are they talking about twice circumnavigating the world? Which I agree for me at least the first two The Ocean Races were the hardest. Had to buy a new one for the second one (didn't like the foil color on my IMOCA ). Or are they talking about total crew salary for the whole year? I personally pay my crew in exposure so I can't really relate. Any ideas what these are about?

He's giving his sister 25%. We were married after he retired and he had accumulated all of his assets through 50 years of hard work and saving. His house was in a trust, but I persuaded him to sell that house and buy me the house I wanted. So no house remains in the trust. I will receive the house as survivor.

BUT I just don't understand why his sister should get anything. I'm the one having to play with an old man dongle.

Should I get rid of her to make sure I get it all? Or just hope she kicks the bucket before me? I'm really afraid I'll have to go back to selling starfish pics on OF.

All suggestions welcome.

I've been listening to all the shows meant for poors no financial advisor wants to work with because they don't generate a bare minimum of even $2,000,000 in fees from their accounts.

Caleb Hammer was entertaining for a while. I really appreciated all the jokes about sex with children and liked how he called women out for being c$nts, whores and sluts. But Caleb's schtick got old. And some of his guests really were doing sex work to make rent, so watching him call them whores wasn't as funny as it once was since it was just basically fact.

Since Caleb, I've become a Dave Ramsey convert. It's really amusing to watch him play this old timey paternal grandfather giving the poors financial advice like "pay cash for a house when interest rates are 2%". A lot of them took that to heart and thought he was sincere! I also like how he mixes in bible verse with his folksy financial advice.

But lately I've been questioning how authentic Ramsey is. If he really believed in the bible like he says he does and quoting scripture isn't just a rort to attract views so he can buy some more McLaren's, wouldn't he have started to feed some of his followers to the lions as the bible instructs?

The struggle is real.

Such an injustice.

#eattherich

As some of you know, the double cheeseburger has 2 slices of cheese, while the McDouble has one. This makes the McDouble around 50 cents cheaper. After having a McDouble I couldn't even taste the difference with the one less slice of cheese. So then I decided to turn my daily trips to McDonalds into making an investment windfall. Each 50 cents that I save per sandwich I immediately transfer into a S&P ETF, and BOOM! I now just bought my first mansion. and my hot-wife's boyfriend loves it.

hey guys!

21M here, find myself in a common situation I'm sure you've all had, so help me! not bragging, just curious on what to do.

I've got a few businesses I'm liquidating because I need to find myself. they should net about $65M.

I was thinking of putting it in the market (so I won't touch it, but I don't need to touch it, so not sure why I'm including this) which would yield me an average of 7%, but idk, maybe bonds or cds at 3.70% for 6 months are a better option?

I'm quite a simple homebody, my monthly expenses come in around $150 / month all in. I'm just lost, I'm smart enough to make the money and be in this situation but that's where my intelligence ends. so help me, pfjerk! where should I put this money?

Pretty straightforward - seller wants me to pay $7.95 for cookies they forgot to cancel. They were delicious but I would have preferred the thin mints. I have no idea she really delivered them because the box is now empty. The the former owner thinks I should pay for them. Seems like it is 0% my problem.

How do I get this crying ten-year-old off my front porch?

You just don't understand money, I'm sorry you are a dumbass.

What if I told you there is a GAZILLION DOLLAR market bigger than stocks, bigger than Labubus, bigger than Pokemon cards.

That's right, THIS is the bond market. And it controls you life.

You see, you thought you were Warren Buffet when you lended your money to your bank and got a 1% return (before taxes) on your brokie savings account. But , you can lend money to whatever cool company you want and get a GARANTEED NO RISK 9% RETURN DO NOT LOOK UP THEIR CREDIT RATING ON S&P THEY ARE GOOD COMPANIES.

What is the Yield, Yield curve? You see that's the BLA BLA BLA BLA inverses to the price BLA BLA BLA It steepens when BLA BLA BLA.

Do I own any? Fuck no. Bonds are for losers ALL IN 100% EQUITY WOOOOOOO