r/CookingCircleJerk Oct 17 '24

Perfect exactly as it was on r/cooking WEEKLY OUTJERKED THREAD

46 Upvotes

We like to believe we're skilled at the circlejerking each other. But every so often (seven times an hour), a post comes along that humbles us in its pure circlejerkery. Then that post gets linked here, with no modifications because how can you improve upon perfection?

Well, there's already a subreddit dedicated to "check out this culinary idiot". But who wants to to hangout with those tryhards anyways?

Post your nonsense here - just play kinda nice.


r/CookingCircleJerk 3d ago

Unrecognized Culinary Genius Cooking Instructions - Correct spelling matters

49 Upvotes

Note to former live in GF.

Sorry I destroyed your electrical hair care products, but you did text me to say just put the chicken strips in the "Hair Fryer" for 15 mins then flip for for 10 mins.

Which I assumed was your Curling Tongs because you always say they 'fry' you hair.

When that didn't work after half an hour, I figured you meant Hair Dryer, which I put in the skillet for an hour, but that didn't work either. It just caused this milky white fatty stuff to ooze out of the chicken strips.

In defense of my destroying your curling tongs and hair dryer by putting them in the dishwasher to clean, neither had the 'not dishwasher safe logo', so I don't think that was my fault.

btw, in your hurry to move out, and telling me you are moving in with your Boss (& new BF, Todd), you left behind that big lumpy thing - which is apparently an "Air Fryer" and nothing to do with electrical hair care products.

Although it is really good at cooking chicken strips. Yay, I'm now a chef!


r/CookingCircleJerk 5d ago

Down the Drain Canada Wildfire Smoked Brisket

100 Upvotes

PSA to anyone trying to use the wildfire smoke to smoke their 16LB brisket. It’s not worth it! I have been smoking this brisket outside for 48 hours and the temp hasn’t risen past 95. I’m thinking another 48 hours might help but seriously considering chopping it up and making hamburger helper with MSG added. I am not scared of the possibly diarrhea because I had been eating salads all week before the news came out.

Any tips!?


r/CookingCircleJerk 5d ago

cyclospora: the next generation sustainable, eco-friendly protein source

46 Upvotes

thank you for joining us here on the C stage at food & tech connect. i'm josh and this is devon, and we're the cofounders of proCyclo.

cyclospora has been in the news lately for all the wrong reasons.

where others see a public health disaster, we see an unprecedented opportunity.

bro start the slideshow

where others see only weeks of diarrhea and vomiting, we see an innovative socially and ecologically beneficial protein source whose time in the spotlight has come. now that federal food safety oversight has been kneecapped like so many extras in a gritty Irish gangster drama, there is an unprecedented abundance of this untapped, nutrient dense resource.

that's why our cyclospora protein startup, proCyclo, is poised to disrupt the alternative protein market with next level innovation.

how is proCyclo different?

  • cyclospora generally contain between 40% and 60% crude protein on a dry matter basis
  • soy based proteins are mildly beta, and insect proteins have a very 2024 vibe. but cyclospora are protozoa, which are sort of close to animals
  • comes in 3 great flavors: beef tallow, taco bell, and vegan tears

join us for an exciting ground floor opportunity to invest in disrupting the alternative protein market with the next level innovation. with proCyclo.

we're currently accepting investments via bitcoin, dogecoin, EBT, WIC checks, suitcases full of silver galleons, Zelle, and blank street gift cards

dad are you proud of me


r/CookingCircleJerk 8d ago

If there's a Whopper Jr. then that means the Whopper... My man 😂🤝

151 Upvotes

Who's the baby momma?


r/CookingCircleJerk 8d ago

Perfect exactly as it was on r/cooking How can I make my man love everything I cook?

15 Upvotes

:)


r/CookingCircleJerk 10d ago

Game Changer did you know that if you cook vegetables in 2000 calories worth of butter they will taste better?

170 Upvotes

why doesn't everyone do this? are they stupid?


r/CookingCircleJerk 10d ago

I made cookies for the first time, what did I do wrong?

60 Upvotes

Title


r/CookingCircleJerk 14d ago

Down the Drain What soap do you use for your rice?

142 Upvotes

Are there any unscented or fragrance free soaps that are good for washing rice? I read you’re supposed to wash your rice but when I do it always has this like floral taste and it hurts my stomach.

Any advice would be great.


r/CookingCircleJerk 13d ago

Dates on things like milk

68 Upvotes

So I bought like a full gallon of milk about some time ago and the date says 07/10/26 but the carton thing is already empty. Why didn't it last until the date it said it would?

Did the store rip me off and not fill it enough or something? What's the point of putting dates on things if I use up before the date says?


r/CookingCircleJerk 15d ago

Perfect exactly as it was on r/cooking Deconstructed 'Potato Salad' for the 4th of July

40 Upvotes

Just sharing my most recent daydream here in case anyone else wants to give a crack at it, it was heaven on a plate 😄

Yukon gold potatoes prepared fondant, duck fat and butter for the cooking oil, basted with garlic and thyme infusion right before the time cooking through in stock, like you would baste a pan seared steak.

Kale chiffonade extremely fine, basically thinly shredded, set to sear on one side of the pile in olive oil and some salt over medium high heat. The goal was to build zones of deep char, and leave a good amount of partially cooked green.

Bacon parcooked on a wire rack in the oven, brushed with a gastrique of apple cider vinegar and brown sugar, rolled into rosettes, then finished to just barely crispy.

Dijonnaise with a bit of whole grain mustard in it for texture.

Toasted and fresh ground black pepper, smoked paprika, and thinly sliced green onion for garnish

Bed of charred kale, fondant potatoes, layer of dijonnaise, pepper+paprika, green onions, bacon rosette, extra final drizzle of apple cider vinegar gastrique. Altogether, it tasted extremely reminiscent of a really good, really tangy BBQ chip. The soft texture of the potatoes contrasted so well with the slight crisp of the bacon and char on the kale. You guys let me know if anyone makes it!


r/CookingCircleJerk 15d ago

Perfect exactly as it was on r/cooking "French" onion soup but I substitute basically every ingredient

71 Upvotes

Ok so i had some onions and i wanted French onion soup but i didnt want to have to go out and buy any extra ingredients

I got impatient caramelizing the onions so i stopped like 75% of the way through and to get the color I used dark soy sauce. Also for caramelizing the onions I used rendered bacon fat instead of butter

I didnt have any sherry so I used Chinese cooking wine instead which gave it a funky sweet flavor

For broth I used a Korean powder beef broth that is high in msg

For seasoning I used pepper and Italian seasoning mix (there was enough salt with the broth and soy sauce and cooking wine). Also bay leaves

Top with greenbottle parmesan, also very good on top of white rice. Not traditional by any means but I thought it was good


r/CookingCircleJerk 16d ago

Replacing chopped onion with the same amount of onion powder

128 Upvotes

As explained here, my wife is an actual toddler that requires the use of only the most bland, processed, tasteless food possible. Thus, she won't allow me to put onion in the food I cook.

Don't get me wrong -- it is not a taste thing. She likes onion. But she is a literal child that can't bare SEEING a piece of onion. If she sees onion, she throws her self to the ground -- crying and screaming.

I am cooking a recipe that calls for a cup of chopped onions. Being an incompetent adult, I plan to replace this cup of onion with an entire cup of onion powder. I am pretty sure this will work because it is the same amount of the same thing, right? And most importantly, it will placate my wife who (I must reiterate) is completely unbearable to live with.


r/CookingCircleJerk 19d ago

Help! My baby won't drink breast milk unless I add MSG

339 Upvotes

I am 1 week post-partum, and my baby suddenly stopped breastfeeding like normal. I'm so confused. I even tried bottle-feeding him, and he spit it out and pointed to my 17-pound bag of MSG I keep on the table. "Ma..ma..." "MAMA? YOUR FIRST WORDS?" ... "Ma....Ma...Make Shit Good", he said. I broke down into tears. I told him that a growing baby needs salt and fat, and he called CPS on me.


r/CookingCircleJerk 18d ago

The art of cooking

8 Upvotes

What's the difference between eating okay and eating very well? I want to glow up my food!


r/CookingCircleJerk 19d ago

Unrecognized Culinary Genius No one ate the birthday cake I made

52 Upvotes

So it was my brother's birthday today and I'm always in charge of making the cake. I'm a really good cook but due to laziness I've been purchasing cakes for him the last few years. He's getting married this month so I actually decided to make the cake myself.

I'm not great at measuring or stirring so I have to use specific tools to help get the batter right, but today I couldn't find my bun steamer so I had to improvise. I had the bucket of water on the bottom rack of the oven with the cake pan directly above it. It made steam just like the bun steamer does and the cake was definitely cooked, and the frosting still stayed spreadable. The container didn't get too soft so I doubt any of the plastic made it into the cake. I poured on the frosting and some of it dripped down into the bucket so maybe the frosting steam made the cake taste weird?

I thought it tasted good but my mom kept saying it made her teeth burn and my brother's uvula started swelling up. He's allergic to tree nuts so I substituted peanuts for the almond flour since they grow in the dirt, would that really change the flavor of the cake that much?

Any advice is appreciated, tia


r/CookingCircleJerk 20d ago

Monosodium Glutamate REMINDER! To all those celebrating the Fourth of July today is the day to start defrosting your hotdogs!

211 Upvotes

Commonly sold in frozen bricks of 1000, you need at least 48 hours of defrosting to completely defrost one brick. I for one will be trying to compete with Joey Chesnut live in my backyard in my hot dog water pool. Be safe!


r/CookingCircleJerk 19d ago

A sneaky way to get your guests to actually appreciate your cooking

16 Upvotes

**Tell your friends you’re making "gourmet fusion" for dinner. When they get excited and sit down, serve them a bowl of dry, unseasoned plain pasta. When they look confused, tell them the "fusion" is Italian-Minimalism. Then watch them struggle to be polite because they don't want to seem uncultured. (Don't tell them it's a joke for at least an hour... it's a great test of their loyalty!)**


r/CookingCircleJerk 20d ago

Thicc Thighs Save Lives Can you boil nyquil to make hard boiled eggs?

32 Upvotes

Yes, you can, and it tastes amazing, the fumes give you the taste of purple and will transcend you to a higher level of being


r/CookingCircleJerk 21d ago

I don't understand this chicken fajita recipe.

54 Upvotes

It says use 1 lb, but I can't find any at the store? I bought 5 whole chickens and none of them have the fajita? It's all just breasts, thighs, and legs? Did they stop making chickens with the fajitas?


r/CookingCircleJerk 21d ago

desire to soak human meat in salt and eat it

30 Upvotes

The craving hit me on Tuesday evening, sudden and sharp, overriding whatever sensible dinner plans I had originally lined almost primal urge for a deep, concentrated saltiness.

I didn't want a light sprinkle of seasoning, nor did I want a complex marinade with herbs and acids to distract from the core flavor. I wanted salt. Pure and simple.

Anyone relate to this please lmk and what should i do...


r/CookingCircleJerk 23d ago

Adapting a stir fry recipe to bread maker

53 Upvotes

I’m trying to adapt a stir fry recipe of mine to a bread maker. I put the oil in but it's not getting hot. I added the meat and veg and it stirred but it didn't fry. I ate it anyways. will I get food poisoning!? I'm terrified of food poisoning. please help me.


r/CookingCircleJerk 24d ago

Monosodium Glutamate What's your secret ingredient for mashed potatoes?

86 Upvotes

And why is it Kerrygold butter and white pepper?


r/CookingCircleJerk 24d ago

Game Changer Know about the grease left in the pan after cooking a burger? I drip some onto my bun ( ´͈ ٣ `͈)

15 Upvotes

Sometimes I toast the bun directly in the grease while my burger rests. I need to start taking better care of myself if I want to eat like that.


r/CookingCircleJerk 25d ago

Down the Drain The water in my $&@! pot won’t boil! I would know, I’ve been watching it this whole time. Tips?

153 Upvotes

I even added a cup of salt! Wtf cooking is bullshit