I have ended it. It was for reasons unrelated to my post or anything. But your guys’ comments definitely gave me some confidence to really do it. Im an extreme people pleaser so I really needed it to tell someone that Im ending things to their face

There is no improvement, doesn't matter if they're in their 30's,40's and 50's and beyond. Is it because they become more bitter and twisted as time goes on.

I'm trying to make sense of a recent breakup.

The relationship started off incredibly well. We connected quickly, talked about the future, and made lots of plans together. Throughout the relationship, my partner kept initiating contact, texting every day, and making future plans, so I genuinely believed we were building something together.

Looking back, though, I noticed that even fairly early on there were moments where small, innocent comments or questions from me seemed to trigger irritation or defensiveness. At the time, I dismissed them as isolated moments rather than seeing them as part of a bigger pattern.

As time went on, it felt like even bringing up small things that bothered me was difficult. It wasn't just what I said. Sometimes it felt like the fact that I raised something at all was the problem. What I found hardest was that there was rarely any curiosity about what I actually meant. Instead, it often felt like my intentions were assumed, and usually in a negative way.

Then the relationship ended quite suddenly, even though we'd continued talking every day and making plans for the future. I was completely blindsided.

Has anyone experienced something similar? What did you eventually make of it? Was it incompatibility, communication styles, emotional capacity, or something else? I'm not looking to diagnose anyone, just to understand the dynamic.

I thought i was different. I never imagined the level of pure random evil I would experience. Today she sent me a video of her fucking another guy because I slept in late and missed a call. She lied about doing this before.

You need to RUN NOW

I’m sorry but if you are just meeting someone with BPD or even unmanaged bipolar as well (like mine) you need to accept what those of us from the other side are saying. I wish i did. Now i’m here.

It WILL happen to you. It WILL keep getting worse. You WILL break. RUN NOW

I’ve been lurking here for months and finally feel ready to share my story.
I’m 31m and I’ve just ended a relationship with my girlfriend pwBPD 28 after around a year together. She has diagnosed BPD alongside ADHD.
I want to make it clear from the start that I don’t hate her. I still love her. I don’t think she ever deliberately set out to hurt me. I genuinely think she has demons that she battles every day. But loving someone doesn’t mean the relationship is sustainable.
I think that’s the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn.

The beginning
The relationship started incredibly intensely.
When things were good, they were amazing. She could be caring, affectionate, funny and made me feel like I’d found my person.
I fell completely.
Like many people here, I started imagining marriage, children, a future together. I overlooked things because I genuinely believed that if I loved her enough and understood her mental health enough, we’d eventually become a stable couple.
Instead, I slowly became someone who was constantly trying to regulate another person’s emotions.

Breaking up… then getting back together
We’d have periods where I’d reach breaking point.
I’d end things.
Then the guilt would hit me.
I’d think:
“What if she’s right?”
“What if she’s just struggling?”
“What if I haven’t been patient enough?”
So we’d get back together.
Every time I hoped things would be different.
Every time I believed we’d turned a corner.
Looking back now, I wasn’t falling in love with who the relationship actually was.
I was in love with what I believed it could become.

I gave everything
This isn’t me saying I was perfect.
I wasn’t.
But I genuinely gave this relationship everything I had.
I worked Amazon Flex after my full-time work to earn extra money so we could make memories together.
I paid for holidays.
Planned dates.
Bought flowers.
Bought gifts.
Spent countless hours trying to understand BPD so I could communicate better.
When she split on me, I tried to stay calm.
When she was struggling mentally, I stayed.
I kept thinking that eventually she’d feel safe enough for us to become a proper partnership.
Instead, I slowly realised I was pouring from a cup that was never being refilled.
I didn’t feel appreciated.
I didn’t feel emotionally safe.
I didn’t feel like we were carrying the relationship equally.
The holiday that changed everything
We’d been planning Ibiza for months.
I worked extra jobs to afford it.
It was also her birthday while we were away.
I genuinely wanted it to be special.
Instead, it became the moment everything finally clicked.
Throughout the holiday there were constant complaints.
Complaints about walking.
Complaints about restaurants.
Complaints about timings.
Complaints about being tired.
Complaints about being ill.
Nothing ever seemed quite right.
Then came one incident that completely broke me.
She booked a poolside massage.
I’d already told her the guy made me uncomfortable because I’d watched him all day approaching women around the pool, asking them why they weren’t giving him attention and generally coming across as sleazy.
She still had the massage.
Afterwards she told me he’d massaged around her glutes, near her vagina, around her breasts and coccyx.
I know some people will disagree, but I felt humiliated.
It wasn’t jealousy as much as feeling completely ignored after I’d already explained why I was uncomfortable.
When I tried explaining how it made me feel, I somehow became the bad guy.
That’s how so many disagreements went.
My feelings became evidence that I was controlling, manipulative or unreasonable.
By the end of the holiday I felt emotionally exhausted.
The woman I’d spent months trying to make happy seemed unhappy regardless of what I did.

The breakup
When we got home I finally accepted what I’d been avoiding for months.
I still loved her.
But I wasn’t happy.
The relationship wasn’t meeting my emotional needs.
I didn’t end it because I stopped loving her.
I ended it because I realised love wasn’t fixing the relationship.
That was probably the hardest decision I’ve ever made.
Three days later
This is the part that’s hurting today.
Within three days she’d updated all of her profile pictures across social media using photos from our holiday.
Posted her first Instagram post since 2020.
Changed all her bios.
Maybe it means nothing.
Maybe it’s just how she copes.
I’m not claiming to know her motives.
But I’ll be honest…
While I’ve spent the last three days crying, reflecting, talking with close friends and trying to process the loss of someone I genuinely thought I’d spend my life with, seeing all of that has hurt.
It feels like she’s moved into presenting a new version of herself online while I’m still trying to understand how I got here.
Again, maybe that’s unfair.
Maybe she’s grieving privately too.
I don’t know.

What I’ve realised
The biggest thing I’ve realised is this.
I wasn’t scared of losing her.
I was scared of losing the future I’d imagined with her.
Those aren’t the same thing.
I kept staying because I believed the relationship would eventually become what I’d always hoped it could be.
It never did.
Today I’m heartbroken.
Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced heartbreak like this.
But despite all of that…
I don’t want the relationship back.
I know ending it was the right decision.
I just wish my heart would catch up with what my head already knows.
If anyone has made it this far, thank you for reading

The BPD sense of reality is short term only. You will now ask youself what this exactly means.

It means that because BPD's brains work mostly on emotions, their decisions, behaviours and what they say are only true for the moment.

Example: When they tell you X, later it will be Y because the emotions changed by time.

So this means everything they do and say is genuine and the truth, but ONLY for the moment. Expect different later on.

Their emotional brains override logic and thats why they do stuff that comes off as weird to a healthy person but for them its normal.

This is another reason why you need to leave, because everything they say and do cannot be trusted at ALL. There is no magic trick into fixing this disorder, maybe with DBT but it takes years and by the time your partner heals, youre probably the one who needs healing

So like so many people i've been dealing with the fallout of the relationship suddenly ending during a split episode.

But then I remembered something.

She was pretending to be some super devout catholic who said that we 'couldn't have a prenup because traditional catholics see it as a way out and there shouldn't be a way out of marriage.'

Well, to make a long story short, last I heard her current identity is agnostic stoner/gamer whose unemployed and mooching off of roommmates because of having severe issues.

But I realized that if I had married her, I would be in her roommates position having to provide for her.

And if she had eventually divorced me, which honestly would have been a possibility and I didn't have a prenup in place? I still would have been providing for her.

The split/discard ended up saving me from a lifetime of misery

Be careful folks. My ex of one year and a few months literally triggered my rheumatoid arthritis. She would instigate a fight every day for months, I could never react because if I did she would make it worse, shield herself behind the diagnosis and turn everything against me. Suppressed emotions and stress are known to cause autoimmune diseases and I actually got so stressed that it happened to me while actively being in the relationship. All my joints progressively started aching, to the point it was hard to walk, sit down or stand up, open jars, use my hands in general, STAY STILL. I really thought I could handle someone with BPD, but it is no joke, my mind kept fighting but my immune system eventually gave up. Don’t get caught up in the same mistake and potentially irreversibly ruin your life, they can’t be helped or saved by a rando with no professional knowledge. Do yourself a favor and run because it WILL catch up to you.

Have any of you experienced this? Were you discarded or praised? How did they act when they were sick? How did they take care of you?

We've been together for about 4 years. In the beginning it was great. She made me feel like god's gift from earth. Like so many others, I thought I had the mental fortitude to be her guide and an anchor for her. I was wrong. She's gone through DBT, therapy, psychiatry and more all because she wanted to better herself. But it didn't last. She stopped seeking any help thinking that she's done enough work already but she doesn't practice everything she "learned."

When I met her I was making 200k a year and now I'm struggling to pay off my car note and insurance. Originally I thought it was all my fault to be in this position. Maybe part of it was. But what if she emotionally and mentally drained me to give up on what was important to me? It wasn't intentional because she has aspirations and wants me to get back to where I was. But I'm just so tired guys. Tired of the same BPD triggers, over and over again.

Now that I'm getting out of the house more, I feel like a tiny part of myself before meeting her is coming back. That tiny part has a voice and it's conflicted. It's always been conflicted. But now moreso than ever before.

What should I do?

He said, “I literally told you the truth to protect you” after I yelled at him about hurting me, leaving me, and this was his response. Yeah, it is my fault, I stayed when he told me he had bpd, I stayed when he admitted that he would run when falling love, I stayed every time he came back from weeks to months silence, I took him back every single time because I love the version of him that no longer exists or never existed, it was all fake, performance. I hate him!

He is the victim. As soon as I even smile to someone as the waiter or cashier - even my friends will be like "Can't you control yourself at all? You are taken, remember?".

When I complain at him, they tell me that it is I who drove him crazy or that he is right, he has a reason or that I plainly deserve it.

My best friend since childhood (almost 20 years of friendship) has told me that she thinks I'd dump him if he really was that bad and that I should be grateful that he's still tolerating me and my behaviour...

My other friend of 10+ years told me to stop talking bad about him or she'd stop spending her time with me, as she apparently knows the real situation and she is "disgusted by what I am talking about him after everything I did to him"...

Comment that takes the cake was "Really? Controlling? How controlling of him not to let you cheat in peace, right? He should just dump you..." and it was from a woman!

Other people straight up avoid me...

So I found out that sometimes when he has wild accusations or other similar thoughts that I'm already kinda tired of - he talks with my friends about it. And they BELIEVE HIM. They think he is innocent guy who wants their help to make his GF reasonable and stop doing terrible things...

I’ve been lurking here for a while but this is my first time posting about this because now I’m really struggling. I’m just looking for support from people who’ve experienced something similar. I need help understanding…

The part that almost feels embarrassing to admit is that this was an online-only relationship. We talked from the end of January until early July, yet I never heard his voice, never saw his face, never video chatted, and never met him in person. He was extremely private. On the other hand, he heard my voice, saw my face, and knew far more about me than I ever knew about him. I kept hoping that if I was patient and gave him enough time, he’d eventually open up, let me hear his voice, show me his face, and become more vulnerable with me. But it never happened.

Looking back, the relationship felt very one-sided in that regard, even though we became incredibly emotionally attached.
In the beginning, he made me feel incredibly loved, wanted, and understood. But over time everything became incredibly unstable. He never told me he had BPD, nor was I even aware of what it was until him. I tried for the life of me to figure out the signs what they meant etc. thought I was going insane.

He would become convinced I was pulling away when I wasn’t. Small misunderstandings turned into huge emotional reactions. He’d block me, delete messages, delete accounts, make new accounts, disappear, then come back. We actually broke up three different times, and each time we somehow found our way back to each other. That cycle made it even harder to let go because a part of me kept believing we’d always reconnect, and eventually he’d let me in more. I spent so much time trying to reassure him and prove that I cared, but it never seemed to be enough. The highs were incredible, and the lows were devastating.

Eventually everything fell apart after another painful cycle. His final messages were heartbreaking. We did end things a few times, each time I think it’s for the best. And it probably still is, but I felt so pushed to end it each time for the sake of both our mental health. I know everyone will say it’s for the best, think about the reasons it ended etc. I get it but I miss him so much. Sometimes it got so bad, he’d say insanely mean awful things. Things I’d never dream of saying to someone else. I knew it was bad, but I couldn’t help myself. I felt so much for this guy. Why was I never good enough?

Logically, I know this relationship wasn’t healthy. I was anxious, constantly walking on eggshells, and emotionally exhausted. But emotionally… I miss him so much that it physically hurts. I hate admitting this, but if he reached out today, I don’t even know if I’d be strong enough to say no. Part of me still wonders if he’ll ever come back or if he’d even take me back, despite knowing how unhealthy the relationship became.

The trauma bond is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. My brain knows leaving was probably the right decision, but my heart now desperately wants him back. It’s been 20 days… I still catch myself hoping he’ll come back somehow, even though I know how much this relationship hurt me.

This is the first person I’ve ever dealt with someone who exhibited so many BPD-like behaviors, and I wasn’t prepared for how deeply it affected me.
For those of you who’ve healed from a relationship like this:

Does the trauma bond eventually get weaker?
Has anyone else formed a trauma bond from an online-only relationship?

How did you stop wanting them back?

Is it normal to miss them this much months later?
I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s been through something similar. I feel incredibly alone right now.

I averaged it out to every 72 hours. This would happen out of nowhere. They would invent something to get upset about and push until an argument occurred, even if it took all day. Anyone experience this kind of timeline?

I was told:

"I'm not a good person and I don't want to be"

"I am full of hatred"

"I hate women. I will never listen to them"

"My mask will drop and you will see my true colours"

"I think I might be a sociopath"

"You are a much nicer and more sensitive person than me"

"You will get sick of me eventually"

Do they vary? Are they usually anti-social? Hyper social? What is your experience?

I m trembling what the fuck man i have an exam in a couple of hours
My ex just threatened to kill herself she said she ll end it all we had a long convo on email about everything , after a long time of not writing to each other bcs i have a lot of resentment and i know ill lash out
She kept writing to me every week so this time i gave in and went full on lashing out i feel so bad for fucks sake… and then she just agreed with me that she s a bad person and everyone will be better off without her. I then immediately called her mom and then her mom accused me a bunch of bs .. i screamed at her to shut the hell up and just check in on her and she s alive but i m fucking terrified

I’ve been seeing a girl with BPD for about two months now. I’m not seeing a lot of the behavior generally described here in the sub though. It seems like some of the worst stuff generally starts to happen down the road a bit maybe.

I’m starting to think maybe she was misdiagnosed though. What are some early red flags you saw that escalated into something worse later?

Even if it’s for our own shake and self protection after abuse and poor treatment. Leaving them induced immense guilt as if we are letting this confuse suffering person down.

She got diagnosed with Dysthymia, : Panic disorder , Persistent depressive disorder (PDD). I do not understand. She did the whole shabang. All of the stories that you see here about bordeline people describe my relationship. I was like her parent, her emotional punching bag. What the fuck? How didn t she get diagnosed with bpd? What the fuck? She contacted me out of nowhere via email and told me all this crap. I m lost man … all the hurtful words and then the sudden apologizies… i m tired to even write this crap i can t anymore

Sharing this series. I could never figure out if it was BPD or covert narcissism. After watching this three part series, I am certain she has a comorbidity borderline-narcissistic personality disorder.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4V8KShB1eT4&list=PLyGIg0v0mb21EHY4W7IlwjoYxbUY4TxFj&index=3&pp=iAQB

I'm not sure if this single comment is revealing or not, but I have been thinking about this lately.

Once we were cuddling and I asked him "Do you love me?" Like I was assuming he would say of course I love you more than anything and then I would have said i love you more you know, that kind of a bit stupid and cringe things people sometimes say to each other... But his answer made me feel just weird. He said: "as long as you love me". It felt like I had said something wrong and I tried to joke saying "What, I thought you would always love me" and he said again "as long as you love me" this time sounding a bit annoyed. I didn't ask more questions but this was weird. It propably was exactly how he thinks.

And I genuinely wonder how they live everyday like this. Exhausted from their self caused chaos whilst complaining they don't want drama, then awake at night until 4 AM ruminating with their shame and spam texting people to regulate them. It baffles me about their general quality of life.